Day Twenty Nine - Obedience

Submitting to God Again
Today has been a hard day for me.  I've shed many tears (MANY tears), and once again laid myself on the altar, surrendering self and my desires.  Oh, and I DO have desires.  - some I would not share here, because of the judgmental things I'd hear back about them.

My Own Desires
But to list a few:

- My "go back and redo it" desires - First, I wish I could go back to 2 years ago, and that none of this would EVER take place. I wish I could go back to 6 years ago, and tell D. that he WOULD go to counseling or find a new place to live.  A lot of this goes back to me not making him be accountable for his actions then.

- My personal desires - Next I wish I could be free of D. forever. I have seen that there does NOT have to be contention all the time in a relationship.  There was contention between D. and I from day 2 in our relationship.  I was young and foolish and didn't realize that I should have married my best friend - instead of someone who was just VERY infatuated with me.  I married D. for many of the wrong reasons - security (he made good money), stability (he helped me have a backbone and stand up to my parents), and because I thought he was in the ministry for life (though the fruit of his life was not good).  Sure, there were some good reasons to marry him too, but I KNEW the day I walked down the aisle with him that it was a HUGE mistake.

My Commitment
Regardless, I still was committed to making it work - and not just surviving my marriage, but thriving in it.  I read every book I could get my hands on that I thought would help - and many did. I grew immensely and learned how to be a good wife.  Even he'll testify today, that I WAS a good wife.

But, some things it seems, I couldn't prevent.  I KNOW that it was on my knees and through a lot of submission of self, that we even made it as long as we did.  But, it does take two to make it work.  It only takes one to change the tide and make it better. But, one person cannot change another person's will. The one can only change herself/himself and pray and ask God to move and work a miracle.

Well, God has worked a lot of miracles, even since D. left.  More than I can even remember - hence another reason why I blog and journal.  But, it's still up to D. to change his will and surrender to God.

My job is just to pray for him and be nice to him.

The Letter
Or at least that's all it has been, until today.  Today God asked me to write D. a letter.  A letter to say I was sorry for any harm I'd caused him and for anything I'd done to not be the wife he needed me to be.

Now, I have gone over this a million times in the last year and a half. I have sat at the altar of my God and asked him to show me any areas of my heart that needed to be changed.  And, each time, He has done so.

But, this time, my God said I was innocent.  He just wanted me to apologize anyway. He said I'd run a hard race and run it WELL. But, that I was supposed to apologize anyway.  So, I did.  I wrote the letter, and then I told D. that I blessed him, and prayed blessings upon him.  I blessed his life and prayed he would surrender to whatever God would have him to do.

That was a hard thing for me to do.

Because - you see, I have my own desires. I have my own wishes for the outcome of this.  I will not share them here though.

Surrender
But, this isn't about my desires and happiness, is it?  How many of us think it should be?  How many people have I heard say in the last year or so, "Oh, but God wants you to be happy!"  - Well, God isn't out to make us miserable, and He DOES want to bless us. But, God wants a relationship with us, first and foremost, and next God wants to be glorified and to use us to draw others to Him.

So, that's where I am - open armed and surrendering to Him again (I do this daily, it seems - hey wait, that's Biblical - Paul said he died to self daily).  Surrendering my dreams and desires.  I KNOW He's going to give me the desires of my heart, and that He WILL bless me and use me.  I just want my desires to line up with what HE wants for me.

Sooooo - we'll wait and see - waiting again.

My heart is heavy.  But, I WILL not give in to me. I will surrender to Him!