Day Eight - The Day of Why's

Today is the day of why’s.

Why did D. leave?  What was the REAL problem?  What could I have done better?  Why would he leave a family like this – two precious boys and a really good wife - REALLY?

I still hear God tell tell me that D. has a heart problem (spiritual issue/not physical – though it manifests in him physically).  And, that God will NOT put us back together unless D. gets his heart right with God. But, I still ask God why at times.

And then there is:

Why did God let that very PRIVATE post get posted yesterday on my public blog when it wasn’t meant to be there?  I mean, what was that? Don’t I have enough to deal with as it is, without people wondering if I’ve fallen off the deep end?

Ha – sometimes I feel like it. I must be crazy! 

No, I’m not crazy – I just feel scattered today.

I’m hoping that my post will be ignored and hopefully was not even read - but by anyone other than my sweet friend K. who keeps it real and holds me accountable.  

Today I was hoping that there was a big table out there somewhere close by for me to crawl under, so I can sit awhile and not come out, as I get it together.  Hmmmm- anyone know of where I can find that table?

I HATE being put on display, and I HATE being embarrassed - too bad I'm good at embarrassing myself! Well, between yesterday morning and this morning, I have come to remember WHY I hate being embarrassed.

My sweet friend K. sent me an email yesterday about my post, and I wondered WHAT she was talking about, until I went back and read my blog yesterday.  Yikes! I was horrified when I read my own private, private, VERY private thoughtsposted there that weren’t supposed to be there. 

Good GRIEF – what was that?

A lot of times I can laugh things off.  But, I don’t think so this time.  Arg! (Yes, I made an un-lady like sound).  Frustration.

Again, I ask God, “WHY?"

And then there is:

Why does God want to use me so?  Why can’t he just pick someone else’s testimony for His glory?  Can’t I just fly under the radar for the rest of this life?

There are days, I get so frustrated with God.  That’s okay, right? 

"Why? Why? Why? Can’t you pick on someone else instead, God?" - Why can’t I just fly under the radar and not be noticed?  I’d rather it be that way usually. 

Now, I KNOW that God isn't picking on me, and some of my own things are my own carelessness and such. But, sometimes it sure does feel like I'm being picked on.

Just yesterday after all the blog stuff, I had to deal with another bad episode with D. again when he dropped the kids off.  He ended up yelling at me, and cussing at me in front of the boys.  I had to finally get the boys inside and the GENTLY (and yes, I did so gently and respectfully) shut the door on him.  I then bolted it and went about my business of getting the kids ready for bed.  REALLY, was all that drama necessary? Why? 

I know that all things work together for HIS glory, and that He directs my steps (though I'm wondering what He was doing, or maybe it was just me being careless).  But, truly – I can’t figure out for the life of me, where this one step or set of steps is headed.  I’m just having to have faith and trust in Him as I wait on answers for all my why’s. 

Putting my emotions aside, putting my embarrassment to the side, and all that I am to the side on my own - and let HIM work in me to do with as He wills.  For it doesn't always matter about the why's.  It just is - and today, even with all my why's I choose HIM.  I choose to trust HIM!