Day Thirty Four - Finally Some Peace

Anxiety

Have you ever known anyone who had an anxiety attack?  Have you ever had one?  Well, I can tell you, it can be one of the most terrifying experiences you could ever have.

The First Time
Only twice in my life have I ever experienced one.  My first was when I changed birth control pills early in my marriage (before I knew that birth control was bad for women AND actually caused many early "abortions"). I swapped pills, because the brand I had been taking had been discontinued, so I moved to something else.  In just a day, I remember that my world seemed to close in on me, and I felt like everything was coming crashing down around me. 

I didn't understand what was happening at the time, and I remember that D. didn't understand me either.  He just got very frustrated with me as I sat and cried in the  middle of our living room.  *Remember that I'm not a huge crier, so my tears were a surprise to him.  He didn't know how to handle it or what to do with it, so he just got angry with me and told me to get it together.

Not knowing what to do, I called my mother, who asked me several questions, and then she wisely told me to stop taking the birth control pills and go crawl in bed and wrap up.  I did just that, and within a few hours I was fine.  And, I've never had one since then - until today. 

The Second Time
Well, I almost had one today.  I knew it was coming, and knew what it was - I prayed diligently against it.  In fact, I've been praying most of the day. I've spent TONS of time in prayer today.  But, the anxiety was there anyway.  Anxiety over what once was and what was not going to be. Anxiety over a friendship lost, and over thinking that I was going to have to walk the rest of this road by myself. Anxiety over losing something special, and anxiety over someone being upset with me.  Anxiety over not being able to get everything done that needs to be done, and anxiety over having more on my plate than I felt I could handle.  Tons of anxiety. 

Now, we all know that anxiety isn't from God - but there are times it still comes. And, today was one of those days.

I didn't have an all out full blown anxiety attack or anything, but I knew that it was coming.  So, praying about it, asking God for wisdom and some SERIOUS help here, and then taking many DEEP breaths, I decided to grab the boys and get out of the house.  Keys in hand, I quickly grabbed some money and my purse, and ushered the boys to the car.  

A Friend's Encouragement
After we got on the road, I called my friend J. to get her to pray with me, for I truly felt like I couldn't breath and that I was going to lose it.  She answered right away (thank God for that), and then listened as I told her quickly what I was experiencing, and then asked her to pray for me.  She said that she would pray, but that she wanted to tell me something first. 

What she told me was what God had already told me earlier today, when I first began expereincing the severe anxiety.  She said that since December, that other things and people in my life and had been numbing the pain of this divorce and all that it brought with it.  I had been leaning on someone else as a crutch to get through this, and now that that person was removed from my inner circle, that I was feeling the effects of it all coming down on me.  And, though it seemed like the world was crashing down on me, it really wasn't.  And, I WAS going to get through this.  God has been and WAS going to bless me for my obedience, and I be blown away by what He was going to do in and with my life.

Then she prayed for me.  She prayed that God would give me peace - sustaining peace.  

Since our talk, and her prayer, I have felt it - peace, that is.  It is almost as if a HUGE burden has been lifted.  I have done my part. I have given my all - all that I know to give.  And, I have done as I was asked.  My heart serves Him cheerfully, though it hurts at times. But, the burden of the loss has been lifted.  

Even tonight, as I walked in Lowe's to get yet more supplies for this bunk bed project, I felt so much freer.  I know that it will get easier in the days to come.  I am on the downward slope now.  I know that.  And, I look forward to what HE has for me tomorrow. 

Day Thirty Three - Just being Raw Here

Today - Day Thirty Three 


Wow!  It has been an amazing journey - one filled with MUCH pain and cleansing, yet such insight into things.  So much revelation and the goodness of God.  


Today was another HARD day for me.  Yet, God was so faithful and blessed me with much encouragement.

Morning - A Beautiful Wedding
It started with me being able to watch the beautiful wedding of Prince William and Princess Kate.  My friend S. posted on her Facebook, "Today a commoner becomes royalty...the story of every Christ follower."  Wow, what a powerful analogy of what we become when we become children of Almighty Most High God and King, when we give Him our lives and make Him Lord of them.  I am royalty!
The boys woke a little later than normal, but they joined me in the big overstuffed leather recliner in the living room to finish watching the rest of the wedding procession and watch for the sweet kiss between the royal couple.  Caleb was so sweet in looking for the kiss, and then he wanted to practice it afterwards.  :)  I told him "no," but that he could practice it all he wanted to when he got married one day. 


Noon Time - Power Talk with Gail
Next came a powerfully anointed meeting with Gail Ross of Testimonies of Triumph.  I was so blessed to be able to sit and talk with her and glean from just her knowledge and her walk with the Lord.  What an honor!
We talked about D. and where things were with him.  She said she could sense such a strength, and she was in awe of what I had walked through and the obedience to God that I had lived in the last 11 years (11 years next Friday, in fact). 

I told her that I felt strongly that I would be writing a book one day, but I didn't know yet where I'd start with it, and that a friend of mine who flows in the prophetic even told me that she saw me writing books one day.  Gail said, "yes, but I don't just see one book for you. I see a series of healing books that you're going to be writing."  A series? Personally, I'd just like to see the one book get finished first.  :) 


Next we talked about where everything is with the divorce and some of what D has been doing and been involved in.  


She told me, "I have to be careful when I say this, but I have to tell you something that my husband told me right before I came here."  
She said, "My husband walked me out to the car, and as I was about to leave, he said, 'You're going to tell her to move on, aren't you?'" 
She said, "What? What does that mean? Why would I tell her that?"  
He replied, "I don't know. I just hear in me that she is supposed to 'move on.'" 


"Thank you, God." I thought as I sat there.


I praised Him right then for the Word that so lined up with what I was hearing from him in my heart. 


Now - for some of you who think this is blasphemous and soooo contrary to what God would say, this is what I have to say, "I'm sorry you feel this way.  I'm sorry for you.  So much so, that words can not even express how sorry I am for you. I AM walking in the freedom of what called has called me to be.  I have tried to obey in EVERY instance that He has called me to obedience, and I seek to please Him in EVERY area of my life. I have had confirmation from Him on this divorce time and time again.  I have a great peace in knowing that I am obeying Him and living for Him.  I rest in the knowledge that HE has my back, and it is to HIM I will answer to some day.  And we'll leave it at that."


Moving On
I do not believe that moving on means for me to move on to another guy, or for me to be open to possibly getting married again. But, I DO believe that moving on means that I am supposed to get on with my life without D in it.  I DO believe that I am not supposed to sit and wallow in self pity, and I do believe that part of that "move on" message was about my friend too. It was about me moving on from a special friendship that was severed on Wednesday.  

I'm not sure exactly where God would have me do the moving on to, but I do believe that He will tell me when and where to move.  He directs my paths and speaks to me as to what, where, and who.  I'm just here as His willing vessel.  As Samuel said, "Speak Lord, You're servant is listening." - 1 Samuel 3:7-10




Afternoon - More Grief , but Healing Comes
While cleaning and working yesterday afternoon, the grief over the loss of my friendship hit me once again.  So much so that it sent me to my knees.  I literally laid over my couch and wept giant tears, in pain over this loss.  I cried out to God saying, "What you have asked of me is too hard. It is too much for me to bear. I can not do this.  Oh God, please do not do this.  You have asked too much of me."

I lay and wept for some time, and then God spoke and said, "Call your friend S."  What? My reply was, "Well, God, you know she's busy, and she's got things to do. She has family time right now.  She doesn't want to hear from me right now."
And God responded, "Call her."
So, I did. 

How wonderful that she picked up her phone on one of the first few rings. I was just going to leave her a message, but she picked up! Relief and joy flooded my spirit.  I KNEW God was going to give me help here. 


So, we chatted for a bit about her pregnancy and some things that were going on with her.  Then, I told her some of the things I was dealing with (no names listed), and told her that I was really struggling here. I HAD given up what God had told me to give up, but it was hard.  Very hard today.

She was so sweet and said, "If God wants you to have it back later, He'll give it back to you.  But, sometimes God doesn't even want us to have it back.  Sometimes, He helps us get through it, and then we look back later and wonder, 'Why did I even think I needed that in the first place? I didn't need that at all. What was I thinking?'"

Wow - I hadn't thought of it like that, really. 


I told her a little bit about my friend's negative response to it all, and S. said, "Well, that just goes to show you the maturity level of your friend and where they are in their walk with God."

*Eye opener* - She was so right - in so many ways, I could not even tell her.  Ay yi yi! *Mouth shut here, because I don't want to offend.*


But, truly S. was and is right.  My friend's Christian maturity isn't "there" yet.  It is getting there, but has such a ways to go.

And S.'s words of truth and insight were so good and brought more healing to me.

Evening - Time at the Ladies' Bible Study
Now, just because brought insight that afternoon, does not mean that there aren't painful times later that don't come.  There are more painful times to come.  Even on the way to the Bible study, I cried some more. (Truly, I have cried more over this stupid thing, than I have over ANYTHING in years!)  CRAZINESS! But, it has brought me so much closer to God.  It has caused me to cling to Him and to earnestly yield to Him - even though it can be painful.  I have come to see that I CAN obey, and I have greater confidence of WHO God is in me. I have great confidence of Him in me!

I DID manage to cry my way most of the way to the Bible study. But, I know it's just part of the process of cleansing and surrendering to Him.  Again, I told God that this was too hard for me, and that He wasn't playing fair (yes, I was acting like a spoiled brat.  But, I was having a moment). But, God again reminded me that He had my back, and as I continued to surrender this to Him that He would bless me and give me my heart's desires - and that I would see amazing breakthroughs in my life.  


He also brought back to mind my sweet friend S.'s words of truth.  Revelation!  Thank you Lord, for Revelation!


The Bible Study was amazing and anointed.  God used me and my testimony to bless other ladies there.  And, I'm honored that He would do such.  I am TRULY honored to be His servant.

We prayed for D. again while there. We prayed that D. would surrender to God and come back to Him quickly, and that God would move in His life.  We prayed earnestly for his soul and that God would have mercy on him. 

I'm honored to know these ladies, and was so blessed by their prayers for me.  What a blessing to be able to encourage each other in the Lord.

Well, that's all for now on my day!

Until tomorrow!

Day Thirty Two - The end of a Friendship

I'm going to make this one short, since I'm catching up on the back log of the last few days.  


I did what God asked me to do in giving up a special friend of mine, and through some hurt feelings on my friend's part and some words that were hard for me to hear - it appears that our friendship is over.  Which is a good thing, and I know that it is what God wanted.  For He asked me to end it, and so it is done.


My friend does not understand it right now, but God has greater things in store.  TRULY greater things. I KNOW this!

The sacrifice was hard.  While it has been painful - VERY painful - I feel a freedom in it.  I feel released and ready to move forward to the goodness of what God has ahead. 


On Thursday (Day Thirty Two), though it was hard, there was peace.   And, I'm very thankful to my God for it.  

Psalm 119:165-168 

165. Those who love your instructions have great peace

      and do not stumble.

 166. I long for your rescue, Lord,

      so I have obeyed your commands.

 167. I have obeyed your laws,

      for I love them very much.

 168. Yes, I obey your commandments and laws

      because you know everything I do.

And, I DO have peace, knowing that HE holds my all my tomorrows in His hand.  My destiny is set, and I'm excited to see what HE has ahead of me. 

Day Thirty One - A Fresh Word - Give it Up

A new Word - fresh Word today, given by a sweet friend of mine.  I felt the presence of God so thick as she spoke and prayed, that I broke down and cried (something I do only on rare occassions).  But, God's voice and His Glory was made so manifest, that I could not stop my tears, that fell in a torrential downpour.  I was overcome with the ripping being done in my heart and of all that God was doing in me as I sat in the middle of my floor and listened to Him. Listened to His truth, and submitted to Him once again. 

This is what God spoke through her to me

 "Give it up.  Give him up. If I have him in My plans for you, then he won't be kept from you.  If I don't, then he was never yours to begin with.  Now is not the time.  The door is there, but you can't open it until you give him up.  On the other side is beauty and many blessings.  But, you have to let him go.  You can't hold on to him, if you want my best and my blessings.  Great will be your reward.  

This is your "Isaac Sacrifice."  I will give him back to you, if he is my best for you.  Nothing can keep my best from you.  Everything that comes into your life, whether good or bad, passes before my eyes.  Nothing comes into your life without my approval first. Nothing and no one touches you without my approval.  Trust in me and lean on me.  I AM going to pour out my blessings on you - greater than you can even imagine.  Give him up."

So, today I laid him back on the altar again.  I thought this 40 days was all God would ask of me, but He is asking more from me.  He is asking me to give him up  - for what time period, I can not tell you.

Today was a ripping and tearing of my heart, that began 31 days ago - but today was the day of a breakage, that I was not expecting. I was not expecting God to say this at all.  Yet, here it is.  And, I am at peace.  I am at such a peace.

God does and WILL work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  I trust in Him and have hope that this will not last forever.  I have hope that tomorrow will come and that today is a day of new beginnings.

How my God does love me and wants good things for me and His people.  But, we can not hold onto things that aren't ours.  We have to wait on His timing.

Where I once walked in fear of being asked something that was too hard for me- God says not to fear.  IF He has it for me, then it will be.  His will is good, and His mercy is new every morning.  I rejoice in knowing that He holds me in His hands.  

So, today, I gave him up.

Until tomorrow,

Day Thirty - His Response to the Letter

Well, I wrote the letter to D.  I felt such a peace in writing it, and KNEW that it was what I was supposed to do. I had no reassurances from God that anything would come of it, but I wrote it anyway. I obeyed!

In the letter I told him again that I did love him and prayed for him daily, and that I believed it was God's perfect will that we reconciled and had a good marriage.  I told him that God had put him on my heart again to pray for him, and that I did not want to get a divorce. 

I also apologized for not accepting him as I should have and for not loving him in the way he needed me to love him.  Well, I apologized for more things too, but I don't think I want to go into the whole letter here.

To keep it short today (since I'm writing yesterday's posting, today), I'll get to D.'s response.  He told me he thought the letter was nice, but that we were over and he had no desire to EVER be with me again.  He said he KNEW it wouldn't work with us and that he was moving on.  He told me a lot more things in the letter too, but I don't want to go through those here either. 

He really is very lost and has become very twisted in his thinking.  His mind seems to be getting worse and worse, and though he seems to be in the acceptance part of this divorce, he seems to be more depressed than ever.

My heart hurts for him (not in a longing fashion, because really I do not long for or want to be with this man again), but my heart hurts because I see him cause his own suffering and getting worse.  He really seems to be getting more and more depressed, and his mindset concerns me for his well-being at times. 

I did greatly love this man, even when he treated me so poorly. I chose to love him anyway.  I care for him and DO want him to be blessed and for good things to come to him.

In the letter spoke blessings over his life (God says to pray for those who persecute you and bless those who curse you), and I told him that I pray God has mercy on him and blesses him immensely. 
I don't know what is going to happen to D.  I do know that God has me in His hands and is blessing me daily.  He has promised to care for and keep me and the boys protected and close in His hands.  He will lead me as I go along.  I pray that I will have the boldness to follow - wherever that may be!

Day Twenty Nine - Obedience

Submitting to God Again
Today has been a hard day for me.  I've shed many tears (MANY tears), and once again laid myself on the altar, surrendering self and my desires.  Oh, and I DO have desires.  - some I would not share here, because of the judgmental things I'd hear back about them.

My Own Desires
But to list a few:

- My "go back and redo it" desires - First, I wish I could go back to 2 years ago, and that none of this would EVER take place. I wish I could go back to 6 years ago, and tell D. that he WOULD go to counseling or find a new place to live.  A lot of this goes back to me not making him be accountable for his actions then.

- My personal desires - Next I wish I could be free of D. forever. I have seen that there does NOT have to be contention all the time in a relationship.  There was contention between D. and I from day 2 in our relationship.  I was young and foolish and didn't realize that I should have married my best friend - instead of someone who was just VERY infatuated with me.  I married D. for many of the wrong reasons - security (he made good money), stability (he helped me have a backbone and stand up to my parents), and because I thought he was in the ministry for life (though the fruit of his life was not good).  Sure, there were some good reasons to marry him too, but I KNEW the day I walked down the aisle with him that it was a HUGE mistake.

My Commitment
Regardless, I still was committed to making it work - and not just surviving my marriage, but thriving in it.  I read every book I could get my hands on that I thought would help - and many did. I grew immensely and learned how to be a good wife.  Even he'll testify today, that I WAS a good wife.

But, some things it seems, I couldn't prevent.  I KNOW that it was on my knees and through a lot of submission of self, that we even made it as long as we did.  But, it does take two to make it work.  It only takes one to change the tide and make it better. But, one person cannot change another person's will. The one can only change herself/himself and pray and ask God to move and work a miracle.

Well, God has worked a lot of miracles, even since D. left.  More than I can even remember - hence another reason why I blog and journal.  But, it's still up to D. to change his will and surrender to God.

My job is just to pray for him and be nice to him.

The Letter
Or at least that's all it has been, until today.  Today God asked me to write D. a letter.  A letter to say I was sorry for any harm I'd caused him and for anything I'd done to not be the wife he needed me to be.

Now, I have gone over this a million times in the last year and a half. I have sat at the altar of my God and asked him to show me any areas of my heart that needed to be changed.  And, each time, He has done so.

But, this time, my God said I was innocent.  He just wanted me to apologize anyway. He said I'd run a hard race and run it WELL. But, that I was supposed to apologize anyway.  So, I did.  I wrote the letter, and then I told D. that I blessed him, and prayed blessings upon him.  I blessed his life and prayed he would surrender to whatever God would have him to do.

That was a hard thing for me to do.

Because - you see, I have my own desires. I have my own wishes for the outcome of this.  I will not share them here though.

Surrender
But, this isn't about my desires and happiness, is it?  How many of us think it should be?  How many people have I heard say in the last year or so, "Oh, but God wants you to be happy!"  - Well, God isn't out to make us miserable, and He DOES want to bless us. But, God wants a relationship with us, first and foremost, and next God wants to be glorified and to use us to draw others to Him.

So, that's where I am - open armed and surrendering to Him again (I do this daily, it seems - hey wait, that's Biblical - Paul said he died to self daily).  Surrendering my dreams and desires.  I KNOW He's going to give me the desires of my heart, and that He WILL bless me and use me.  I just want my desires to line up with what HE wants for me.

Sooooo - we'll wait and see - waiting again.

My heart is heavy.  But, I WILL not give in to me. I will surrender to Him!

Day Twenty Eight - A Word

Sitting in church this morning, I heard the Lord tell me to pick up my pen and write, for He had a Word for me and wanted me to write it down. 

I started writing, then stopped to stand for the close of the service, but God spoke to me and said, "Sit back down, I'm not finished."  So, hesitantly (because everyone else was standin by now) I sat back down and finished writing what I heard Him say.

Now, God has only done this a few other times in the last few months, but every time I've done it, I have just written what I've heard Him say, while the rest of brain goes flat - or I have written and slightly argued with Him as I have written.

This would be one of those arguing times.  But, I did want to post what I heard Him tell me to write.  My best friend J., after I shared it with her today, encouaged me to type it up and post it in my home to keep before me.  I'm going to do just that. 

Here is what I wrote:

My opening prayer - "Lord, guide my hand and speak through me."

"Tamera, I have set you aside for a special purpose.  I see your heart.  I see your pain and your loneliness.  I will fulfill you.  I will meet your every need.  Don't give up hope.  Wait on me.  I will guide you.  Listen. Listen. Listen.  Hear my voice.

Don't focus on the little things.  I will take care of those.  Those are minor compared to what's in store.  I'm going to bless you.  I'm going to use you to restore marriages, to heal the brokenhearted, and to set captives free. - reference Isaiah 61:1,2

It IS the year of My favor.  My favor is on your walk  - in my Spirit.

Don't focus on those things you see and on your feelings.  I will guide you.  I will bless you.  I will give you what you have asked.

You are my witness. Trust me.  It shall be done.  It shall be done.

Your children are my children.  Train them.  I hold them.  They are part of my plan.  There will be tough times, but they will come through and be my lights.

I CAN use the divorced woman.  It is NOT the end.  Do not let people discourage you. The nay sayers will come.  They will speak against you, but let them speak - for they speak against me.  Against my plan and my will.

My will WILL be done.  My plan will go forth.  It will NOT be stopped. 

You have my heart.  My favor is upon you."


Thank you, Lord, for your Word.  It was timely and what I needed to hear. 

Day Twenty Seven - Catching Up

BEWARE - this is a woman-only blog post! :) 

No cheating!  If you're a man who reads over his wife's shoulder, then you don't need to read this one!  So, back away from the computer and go read something else!  :)

A lot to say, but I'm so thankful for wisdom and for friends who help me edit what goes on my blog at times.

Soooo, yesterday (Saturday) I sent my friend K. the article I was going to post on my blog, and she said, "hmmmmm, nope, not a good idea."  

I already knew that it probably wasn't the best thing to post, but I wanted to get it off my chest anyway.  I was just venting in my article and was a little upset with a certain person.  And, wanted to write about.  No names were used!  But, still, it was best to keep it under wraps for now.

Maybe I'll share it later (though probably not here), but for now - my feelings from yesterday will stay between me and God (oh, and K. knows about them, obviously). 

Not much to tell other than, day twenty-seven was a busy and fun-filled day for the boys and I.

My friend D. recommended that I read Fascinating Womanhood a few years ago.  At the time, I wasn't crazy about the book, but I have come to really appreciate it and get it in the last 2 years.  I can't say it works in ALL situations - it appears that mine is certainly not one that it worked in.  But, at least I get the idea behind it.

The list the eight fascinating qualities of a woman, which the author Helen Andelin says are:

The Angelic Qualities

        The four qualities of the ideal woman on the angelic side are:

1. Understands Men   (I think I've read plenty of books here on this one! I've lived with Mr. Grumpy 'I need soooo much alone time.' - so I got this.  Even my girlfriend J. says I "get" men.  She calls me "man's best friend." LOL - I guess that means I'm a dog! ) Just kiddin.'  

Who REALLY can understand a man fully?  Goodness, they are more complicated than women sometimes!  Well, maybe not! Maybe it's their simplicity that is most frustrating to me.  

- Feed them, make love to them, and be loyal to them.  Appreciate, Admire, and Adore them.  Simple as 1,2,3. (I guess I must have missed something somewhere when I did all this for D.)

2. Has Inner Happiness  - Hmmmmm- My kids think I'm happy a lot.  D. thought I was happy too much.  Is that possible?

3. Has a Worthy Character - I am trying.  

4. Is a Domestic Goddess Now, this one DEFINITELY is being worked on.  I'd say it's my weakest link!  I can cook up a storm, but cleaning is NOT my strong suit.  Organization is, but keeping it that way, is not!  

I was just praying this morning that God would continue to refine me in this area! He will.  We all have areas that need to be worked on.  This just happens to be one of mine. 

The Angelic qualities awaken a feeling near worship.  They bring a man peace and happiness.

The Human Qualities

  The four qualities of the ideal woman on the human side are:

1. Is Feminine - Well, this never was one of my strongest qualities.  My mother sure tried though.  It took me hooking up with my Biblical Womanhood group, for me to see this one really develop.  I've come a long way - though I still like to go with my hair in a ponytail, jeans attached to my bottom, and no makeup attached to my face.  :)  I don't do "frumpy" anymore, but I do like to get down to the basics at times. 

- Also I enjoy working on my own appliances (when I have time), though nowadays, I'd just as soon have someone do it for me, because I have so much more to do with my time.  I guess in a way, I have become more feminine. I don't like working on my own car anymore - too messy.  I don't like bloody knuckles from working on appliances anymore. And, I don't like mowing the grass anymore.  Hmmmm- is that my femininity coming out, or just being lazy or too busy with other stuff to even care? 

2. Radiates Happiness - Hmmm- I'm so happy a lot of the times, I have to tone it down.  Even at church, I have to try NOT to be too happy, because then I get frowned on sometimes because I am TOO happy.  Really, is this possible - to be too happy?
Though D. is gone, I really AM happy.  Lonely, at times.  Though not so painful now.  But, I AM happy.  At peace, mostly, I guess. 

3. Has Radiant Health - Working this.  Losing over 30 pounds does amazing things for your health.  Now I run, lift weights, and Zumba my way to Radiant Health.  What a great feeling to go to the clothing store and have to go back and get a different size because the size you USED to wear is too large! :)

4. Is Childlike -  I'd say this is my strongest quality.  I LOVE this quality.  I love to sing in the shower, dance on the beach, run in a field of wild flowers, spread my arms open wide and twirl in the rain, tickle my kids on the bed, dance with them at the church, twirl them around and hear them laugh, blow bubbles with them and kiss their "bubbly heads", live carefree (not carelessly), drive with my windows down and my songs blaring while I put my arm out the window to "catch" the wind, wink at an old man to make his day, and more.
My God wants me to come to Him like a little child, and I still do this. Sometimes, daily.  "Father God, may I please you today.  Hold me close and whisper in my ear what you'd have me do.  How can I bring glory to you." 

-Oh, I have this quality down, quite well.  It comes naturally to me.  And, I'm glad I have it. Even in my old age, I plan to still own this quality well. 

Not childish, but childlike in my trust, love, and love for life.  Childlike!

The Human qualities fascinate, amuse, enchant, and arouse a tender desire to protect and shelter. 

Well, I think that's it for today.  Today is my 2 week countdown.  To HIM be all glory and honor and praise for what is to come!

Just a repost - You Know You're a Mom When

You Know You're A Mother When... I saw this online (no copyright) and thought so many of these applied to me,  so I thought I'd share it with any other mom's who might need a little humor today.

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. 2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. (I have done this just recently) 3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. (I do this nearly EVERY day!) 4. Your kid throws up and you catch it. (I have done this several times!). 5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.(Well, I usually end up helping clean up). 6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance. (Well, Caleb thinks it tastes good anyway). 7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching. (My mother was talented at this skill for my brother - I don't let Joshua get by with this though). 8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it. (Haven't heard of that one) 9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun. (NOPE - we have lots toy guns here!) 10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats. (Joshua likes this on everything; Caleb eats every vegetable though.) 11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend. (Joshua's already found the girl he thinks he wants to marry) 12. You hate the thought of his wife even more. (I am looking forward to their wives) 13. You can't bear to give away baby clothes (or maternity clothes) - it's so final. (I was glad to give my "tents" away). 14. You hear your mom's voice coming out of your mouth when you say "What do you think you are doing?"  15. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. 16. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease. (we are all healed in Jesus' name). 17. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face. (I did this to wipe off Caleb's buggers today). 18. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for the world. (For sure - I would not trade or sell off my job for the world.  I love it!)

Day Twenty Six - Encouragement

"So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Oh, my!  How God loves me! 

I was just encouraged by a sweet brother in the Lord today.  His compliment and encouragement was such a gift - not one asked for, but one much appreciated.

I love to sing.  I love to dance. And, I love to work with kids.  But, I sometimes feel discouraged in my own self.  I feel like I am not doing a good job, and I KNOW I could use some encouragement from time to time. 

I know I have a good voice, but I also am hard on myself much of the time when I sing. Even just last night on a song I have sung it seems a "thousand times" the last 9 years, I was hard on myself. I was frustrated that I could no longer hit those lower notes in the song like I used to do.  Isn't your voice supposed to get lower over the years, not higher? 

I am really my own worse critic.  I have come a long way in not being so hard and critical on myself, but I still have a ways to go.  It's nice to have someone come along from time to time and encourage me, saying, "you did a great job last night, and God has gifted you." And, "You are such a blessing to hear sing." I had a guy at school the other day even say to me (he caught me singing and humming as I was hanging up my bulletin board outside my room), "You have the voice of an angel."  What a blessing that is to be encouraged so.

D. was never a big encourager.  Usually he was a discourager.  He was always good at pointing out my flaws or the negatives on "why's" some of my ideas would NOT work.  But, he wasn't big on compliments or giving encouragement.   He WOULD encourage me when I sang though (just as long as I wasn't singing in the morning - LOL), and he did encourage me from time to time on my appearance.  But, that's about it.

So, when someone else comes along to give encouragement or a compliment, it's a blessing.  Thank you, Lord, for those blessings.

In the past, I would just put down people's compliments or brush them off, but God has shown me over time to receive them as a blessing and to thank the person for their compliments and encouraging words instead.  So, now that's what I do.

My mother and a lot of my friends are HUGE encouragers.  They don't just give empty compliments, but they  encourage me in my quest and my desire to succeed in what I'm doing.  They know I'm a dreamer with big dreams, and they say, "You can do it.  With God all things are possible.  God has gifted you and will show you how to achieve what HE has set ahead of you.  He is going to bless you for your faithfulness to Him and your obedience to Him."

My primary love language is words of affirmation. My secondary is touch.  So, when someone wants to work their way into my heart, encouragement is the way to do it. Touch is next, but that can be tricky with the opposite sex.

In fact, Paul tells men in 1Timothy 5:2 "Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters."  I wonder how many single men and even married men need to re-read passage of scripture.  - Just sayin'.

My boys definitely know how to do this.  They work at wrapping me around their fingers a lot.  Even just this morning Caleb said, "Mama, I sure do love you." How I love that little boy!

Those two keep their mommy built up a lot - and they are TRUTHFUL about things too!  They even let me know when I stink, my breath stinks, or my legs feel "sticky" (when I haven't shaved).

But, the also encourage me too with words like:
- Mommy, you look so pretty. 
- Mommy, I'm so proud of you.
- Mommy, you're a good mommy.
- Mommy, you're so kind and sweet to people.
- Mommy, you look like a princess.
- Mommy, will you sing for us?  We like you to sing.
- Mommy, will you dance for us?  
- Mommy, you are so fun.
- Mommy, you are so silly.

And on and on they go. Oh, how God has blessed me with these two little encouragers.  They tell it like it is, so I KNOW I am getting truthful information from them.  And, their encouragement means a lot.

Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today…” (Hebrews 3:13).


If you haven't encouraged someone today, I encourage you to do so.  It will bless them, and you will be blessed for it.  Don't lie to the person, but find something to encourage them in.  Be an encourager!


Here's a great weblink to get you started with some good ideas.  - 

19 Ways to Encourage Others

Be blessed today dear readers,

God is mighty and has good things in store for those who obey and love Him.  

 ⁸ Taste and see that the Lord is good.

      Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

 ⁹ Fear the Lord, you his godly people,

      for those who fear him will have all they need.

 ¹⁰ Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,

      but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.

Psalm 34:8-10

Day Twenty Five - A Good Day

Okay - So, I'm back to finish my posting. :)

Today was just sooooo hectic, that I even completely forgot what day of this fast I was on.  My friend K. asked me what day it was (she thought it was day 23), and I told her it was day 24 - not to push it back any.  :)  LOL - And here I was on day 25 after all.

My kids at school were amazing.  I love those kids.  The boys made playdough to take home in pastel colors, and the girls made some kind of aqua glitter bracelet.  My teacher friend and I split our two classes up - me taking the boys (cause boys are fun, and they can be a handful at this age - or really ANY age), and she took the girls (mainly cause I didn't feel like all the chattering and giggling, and because I don't like making glitter bracelets).

Well, "my boys" and I had a great time.  There was about 20 of them in my class all measuring, pouring, and pounding out the salt and water flour mixture.  They made a mess, but they had a blast.  Funny how they seemed to think that the red dye resembled blood, the blue dye resembled dark blue blood, the green dye resembled black blood, and the yellow (orange really) dye resembled yellow bug blood.  Yeh, they're boys alright.  All fascinated with blood.

At the end of the school day, I was able to "chaperone" the 4th and 5th graders spring dance.  Let me tell you, that was a LOAD more fun than chaperoning a middle or high school dance.  At middle school dances, there is some crazy stuff that goes on.  But, at high school dances that I've chaperoned, the kids didn't need a room for sex, they made room right there on the dance floor for it.  I refused to even go back to one of those dances again.

After the dance, I headed to the church for worship practice.  I was able to get some reading done there of Lisa Bevere's book You Aren't What You Weigh, before practice with the worship crew.  Lisa's book is such an eye opener to the bodily "idols" we have today in our society.  She talks about men idolizing and "worhsipping" this "woman" who is so perfect in the movies, on the billoboards, and in magazines.  Men want her for their wife, and women want to be her.  But, she isn't real.  She is fake.  She never has wrinkles; she has no saggy boobs, she has no stretch marks or spider veins; she has a perfect complexion; she is content with herself; she doesn't have bad days; she doesn't PMS or get cranky; she smells good all the time; and she has no cellulite.  She is "perfect." We have made an idol, and now we worship her.

WOW!  What freedom when you see the truth.  I won't write about what all I've learned and gleaned form Lisa now. I'll write on it some more later.

Worship practice - this is one of my favorite times of the week.  Not only do I get to come together with such a wonderful group of Christians to worship, but we also have a great time in the practice (well, usually).  We all bring our own unique personalities to the group - some of us (like me) with more quirks than others.  And, we all just blend and work together for the glory of our Lord.

I wish I could tell you about the whole crew here from our pastor who plays keyboard and who is so gifted musically with instruments.  I'd pay money to be that gifted.  We also have the singers who each have their own giftings (some for peace, some for organization, some for encouragement, some ....), the drummer (the pastor's son) who gives up his "teenager" time for worship practice, the sound guy who just recently gave his heart to God back in September and God has done an amazing work in his life, and the two guitarists - one who has done recording with some really big bands like AC/DC and own a recording studio, the other one plays an amazing classical guitar.  All of these special people are such a blessing to work with.  I'm so blessed to be a part of this crew.

At any rate, I felt elated at worship practice - almost like I could dance right off the stage.  And, this morning, I woke up with the same feeling of elation. I KNOW God has it all under control.  I KNOW that my Redeemer DOES live and that He loves me very much. I KNOW He has good things in store for me and my boys, and that no matter how critical or judgmental some can be (and this is only 3 or 4), that it really doesn't matter, because God is directing my steps.  I know that as I continue to seek HIM and go after HIS will, that He will NOT leave me in the dark.  I do NOT have to go back through what I have been through in the last year and half. I do NOT have to live and go back through the "fire" I have been through, and I KNOW that the best is yet to come.  I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that!

Jeremiah 29:11-14a - For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” says the Lord.


So, I feel elated. I still miss some of the things I'm fasting, but I KNOW it's for the best. I KNOW I have grown during this fast, and regardless of the outcome, I KNOW that God has good set in store.  What a testimony of God's faithfulness and love!

Looking forward to what lies ahead,

Blessings to you today dear readers!

Day Twenty Four - Who, Where, and What

Smile - I had a friend a while back ask me, "Who are you with? Where are you? and What are you doing?" Ha ha ha - That still makes me smile.

But, today, I am asking my own self questions along those lines - "Who am I walking this with?" Answer - Right now, only God and whatever friends he sends me! "Where am I going and where will I end up?"  Answer: I don't know.  It'd be nice to know that answer though. "What am I doing?" Answer: I'm trying to live for today, living in HIS will - but that's hard to do sometimes, because I want to know what is going to happen tomorrow and all my tomorrows.

I'm thankful for friends though that God sends me to help encourage me and lift me up in prayer, and who also let me rant at times.  But, I'm also grateful that they speak truth into my life and don't let me get away with worry and untruth.  God certainly is amazing and loves to use us to encourage each other.  I'm thankful for that!

Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart.He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving."

I'm tired again today.  Joshua was up sick last night with a stuffy nose (it's hard to sleep with a stuffy nose as an adult, but it's even harder for a 5 year old to sleep with a stuffy nose), and he had a small fever.   Then, I woke up sick this morning also, and I floated through school today in my little stuffy cloud.

Irritatingly - D. has been gone all week and has yet to call and ask about the kids or to even talk to them.  In fact, he NEVER calls or asks how they are doing or call to talk to them.  He doesn't ask about them at school or take an interest in their lives at all, it seems, unless it affects his wallet.  *sorry - just a small rant!*

At  my own school, I had to deal with 2 kids in my classroom having "melt downs" (one so severe, I had to call the principal to come get her out of my class).  Both kids have some social and emotional issues.  On a normal day, the kids are usual easy to handle, but today with me not feeling well, AND with the one girl crawling under her desk to throw a tantrum, I had had it.

So, I left school, picked the boys up and came home to REST!  Rest and think.

In my thinking, God sent my sweet friend K. to encourage me and help keep me focused.  I love that girl!  :)

So, here I am re-focusing and staying on track with all this.

I guess I need to go back and look over my other blog posts, so I can be encouraged with where I have come from, knowing that God has it all under control and will lead me into the destiny HE has set before me and my children.  

Looking forward to tomorrow,

Blessings dear friends,

May you grow closer to God today, and may a longing for Him be renewed in you as you read. 

Psalm 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord ".  I'm trying to do this- Some days are just better than others! :)

Day Twenty Three - Contentment

Today God has helped me find contentment.  Contentment in where I am and in what I've had to give up.  Contentment in what I've "lost" and in so much more that I've gained.  I've found contentment.

Along with that and all the tiredness I felt today, God gave me a great afternoon with the boys.

We are finally working into a good routine - getting more used to not having their daddy come home everyday.

When they get home from school, they get to vegge for about 45 minutes with some cartoons, while I get some quiet time to unwind from my day with my students. After that, we turn off the TV and get some chores done.  Then, we get to eat supper and clean up.  Next we sit down with some "school" work - Joshua starts off in the "computer center," while Caleb gets some time working on his letters with me (Mommy).
They usually swap after about 10 minutes.  Then, depending on how much more Joshua can take, we either move on to the next "center" activity of writing or painting (something that can be manipulated with our hands), or we take a small cartoon break.

They get free play with their cars or blocks after that, and then it's time for baths.  While one is bathing, the other gets alone time to play and clean up.  And then, they swap.

We get their teeth brushed around 8 o'clock, and they get story time in bed with me.  After story time, it's prayer time and cuddle time.  Then, comes their sleep time and my ALONE time to unwind again!

Today, though they kept me in stitches.   I'll just post my Facebook entries here, and let you see them for yourself.  These boys are hilarious!

I'm SURE that eating chocolate popcorn on the toilet was NOT what I had in mind when I told him to go get ready for his bath.I had made chocolate popcorn for dessert tonight. Caleb was SUPPOSED to be finished with his popcorn when I asked him to go get ready for his bath. Well, I guess he wasn't ready to give up his bowl just yet - because THIS is where I found him. :) LOL




Also:

During "quiet story time" tonight with the boys before bed, I told the story of David killing a lion with his hands. When I tell stories, I put a LOAD of details in it. I add scenery and some fun things in the stories to make them more realistic (like naming the sheep and giving them voices). 
Well, I got to the part where I had the lion jump out of the bushes to kill David (I took creative license here), and I told how God helped David kill the lion with his bare hands.
Joshua interrupted me though, asking, "Bear hands? David had bear hands? David didn't have bear hands, Mama."
Ha ha ha - that took some explaining. I finally said, "Forget the bear hands. He killed the lion with his hands. Let's just forget all about the bear for now.
Joshua replied, "But, Mama, David killed a bear too." :) LOL - Well, at least he knows his Bible story well. :)


And finally: 


After my story - Caleb wanted to tell us a story too. So, he told us his modified version of the Three Little Pigs.
He told us the first little pig lived in a house made out of sticks.
The second little pig lived in a house made out of cookies.
And, the third little pig lived in a house made out of bacon.

Ha ha ha - Bacon? I could hardly let him finish telling the rest of the story. I just couldn't seem to quit snickering at the cannibalistic pig who had his house made out of bacon.

Needless to say, my snickers at Caleb's story and Caleb's rendition of it, caused us all three to end up "rolling" in laugher. Caleb never did quite get to finish the WHOLE story. :)

What a fun evening with these two!
So, I'm content.  I'm filled with such contentment, I can't even tell you.  God has given me provision.  HE is leading my steps, and I AM trusting Him and seeking HIS will avidly.   Truly, I only want what HE wants.  Though I have dreams and wishes - my own desires.  I am content in resting and waiting on Him.  For He DOES have my best interests at heart.

I'll close with this verse my sweet friend K. sent me today to encourage me in not getting discouraged as God leads me.

Isaiah 30:21 Your own ears will hear him.

Right behind you a voice will say,

“This is the way you should go,”

whether to the right or to the left.

Day Twenty Two - Tired

Okay - so yesterday and Saturday, I felt free.  Today I feel tired.

I know why - hormones, mainly.  This time of the month ALWAYS seems to leave me begging for more sleep.  It's like being in the first trimester of pregnancy.  ALWAYS tired!

Well, today I felt that tired. I did sleep about 6 hours last night - which is a LOT nowadays for me.  I slept well, though I dreamed a lot of dreams like a pregnant woman.  Crazy dreams - dreams about kids, the boys (I think it was them), Dave, and more I don't remember.

I woke up tired, and even laid in bed an extra 45 minutes, because I was so exhausted.  I got up, took my hot morning bath with my iPod and my devotional book for company.  I managed NOT to even pick the book up and instead only read some scriptures from my iPod.  Then, I closed my eyes, as I lay my head back on my bath pillow and prayed/napped for another 30 minutes, and I soaked the night's sleep away.

I was even too tired for coffee this morning.  And, THAT's tired!

I did manage to get lunches made, boys up and dressed, my own self dressed, and get out the door 5 minutes to 7.  We are usually out the door by 15 til 7.  Oh well.

I even went to work with wet hair and no makeup on.  THAT's tired! Don't worry- I pulled the hair up, and slathered on some makeup before my students cruised in my door.

At lunch, I sat in my room, stared into space, and prayed for some rest.  Then, I came home at 3:45 after I picked up the boys, fed them a snack, watered the dog and let him out to do his business, opened some mail, read some email, and then crawled in the bed to nap for a bit.  I was too tired to run or even try to exercise.  Napping seemed more important.

So, with my bedroom door opened, I napped with "one ear open" for the boys, and I complained some about having to do this all on my own.  Cause I'm tired! Hormonally tired, but all the same today!

I was supposed to go by the grocery store after school today, but frankly, I was too tired to get two kids out of the car, keep them settled in the store, rush around to grab the 5 items I needed, wait with them through the checkout (keeping them all the while entertained), and then buckle them back in the car to go home.

My house is still a wreck, supper is in the workings (shrimp and salad, I think), lunches need to be unpacked, clothes washed and folded, a dog bathed, kitty litter changed, floors vacuumed, kids to bathe, papers to grade, bills to pay, some birthday cards to send out, and well, the list could go on and on - but you might get depressed.  I know I AM just typing it all, and it makes ME tired. Oh wait, I was tired already.

A good thing I started today. I started a different journal.  "Another journal?" you might ask.  Yes, another journal.  It's a journal of letters of things I wanted to say, but don't want to blog about it here.  I probably will never deliver the letters, but it helps me get it off my chest anyway, and unload all I'm thinking/feeling.  Good idea I got from my friend K.  She's so smart!

Well, I did FEEL like writing that.  And, I managed to fill up 6 pages, I think, worth of things that had been on my heart.  Things I wanted to say, felt or thought.  It was so liberating.  Felt like I had already said them, and then don't need to do so now.  Wow!  I should have done that a LONG time ago.

At any rate, I think it'll be beneficial and quite therapeutic in the days to come, AND who knows, maybe they'll be delivered one day.  Probably not!  But, at least, it serves its purpose now! :)

Well, I think that's it for today.  This was an easy blog today - TIRED!  Feeling it!  Hoping I'm not feeling the hormonal tired of it all tomorrow.

Be blessed,

Day Twenty One - MORE Freedom

Whew Hoo - Freedom

You know, emotions are a fickle thing.  They can change over time, and they don't always line up with God's Word. Our hearts can be deceptive to us, and we must bring them into submission to God.  Our emotions are not to be trusted. But our hearts CAN be transformed by God.

My heart has been transformed, and my emotions brought under HIS control.  This is MY choice!  I wanted it to happen.  I wanted God to take control of me - ALL of me.  I'm in charge of the "do I, or don't I", to let God change me.  And, I'm so glad I am letting God do that.

I've heard of men and women who have left their spouses because they just didn't "love them like that" anymore. I have heard the same old excuse, "well, I'm just not in love with them anymore."

What!  Whatever happened to commitment - to love, honor, cherish, respect, .... til death do you part, the rest of your life?

I get so tired of people "flying by the seat of their pants." What is the deal with people just doing their jobs of loving, honoring, cherishing, respecting... regardless of whether the other spouse does it or not?

I'm a walking testimony that it CAN be done!  It CAN be done - for 10 1/2 years!

God CAN fill you "love bank", if you ask Him.  He CAN give you romantic feelings for your spouse, even though the other spouse hasn't earned them.  He CAN and WILL give them to you, if you ask Him .

You just have to ask Him.

You do NOT have to be ruled by and live by how you feel.

If we went by "I don't feel like it" all the time, then when would we exercise, love others, go to church, discipline our kids, go to work, and much more?  It's a good thing we don't always do what we feel like doing or NOT doing.

Why can't people get this for marriage too?

Suck it up, Christians! Stop going on your feelings.  Ask God to get your feelings to line up with His!  Ask Him to change your heart.  Then, until your emotions DO line up with what HE would have you feel, make right choices anyway.  Choose to act or not act on things, even though your emotions might say different.  Act as God's Word would have you to act.  Act as GOD would have you to act, not as your emotions would have you to act.

This is where I am.  My emotions were stuck in a place the past 3 1/2 months (not that I wanted them there either - I didn't choose for them to be there).  They had gotten to much for me too handle.  So, I took this forty days to get my focus back and let God have rule over them.  I asked God to call my emotions back into line with HIS Word.  And, finally between yesterday and today (the halfway points), I can honestly say that my emotions DO line up with HIS Word.  I am FREE!  Finally!

I obeyed, and even though I didn't FEEL like it, I did it!  I obeyed, and once again I am free!  Whew hoo!  What a feeling!

God is faithful!  The feelings I had before aren't there, that I can tell - anyway.  If they are there, they are VERY dormant.  At any rate, God has given me a break. I KNEW it today (wish I could tell you how I knew), but I KNEW.  It was spectacular!

And it feels good.  Very light feeling!  Not burdensome.

We'll see what God has ahead.  I'm looking forward to the last part of these 40 days.  How much more does God have in store?

Day Twenty - This IS a choice

So, I've been practicing NOT dwelling on the "what-if's" and the "how to's" and the "how are you going to do this God" stuff.  Instead I've been practicing focusing on His Word and listening to WHAT He has to say.  I've been working on praying and talking to Him, instead of talking it out to myself to see how "I" could get it to work out.

It's so easy to want to try to escape this and try to get out of this hard mess. Really, I'm soooo very tired of it all, and I KNOW I'm coming to an end to most of it - that I'm on the down end.  But, really, I'm so tired.

Just tired of the child custody, child support, alimony, and parenting conversations. Tired of the emails about this being my fault, and that I'm such a bad person.  Tired of just all the junk.

So, yeh - I'm tired, and it'd be nice to escape it all.  Can I find a remote island somewhere, and just take me and the kids there for a while to escape?  Beach scene, an island drink, a nice hut, and possibly a hot tub and nice hammock to read my book in?

Okay - back on topic

Escape would be so nice, but God doesn't want us to escape it.  He wants us to face it.  He wants for us to pray, obey, and trust Him.

So lately I've been making a new habit - face it, pray about it, and trust Him to handle it - One day at a time!

Today is just another day to do that.

It's getting easier!

Day Nineteen - I Lost My Job Today

My position was cut -

But, I'm not going to tell you about it right now.  I'll tell you about it later.

Come back tomorrow or later tonight for the story.

Day Eighteen - Praying for D.

I wrote this yesterday - Yesterday was Day 18.  But I'm only just now getting to post it. 

I hope you are blessed by it - for it SURELY was good for me to go back and read it again.

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D. has been laid on my heart, yet once again.  For that, I'm truly thankful, for I didn't know if I could ever feel a burden for him again, after all he's done.  Yet, here it is again.  Just a burden to pray for him. 

I know in my obedience in my separating myself in this fast that God has helped me to gain this compassion, strength, and heart to pray for D. once again.  Had I not obeyed God in doing this, I KNOW I would not have be here emotionally or this strong to do this.

So in this, I began to pray again for D., and this was my prayer this morning:

Oh my wonderful, loving Father God,

How I love you.  I worship You and give You praise.  You alone are worthy. 

My Father, I come to you interceding on behalf of D. again.  Oh God, that You would have mercy and draw him to you again.  Do what it takes to bring him to you.  Break him, Oh God.  Do not let him perish in himself. Do not let him go.  Oh God, that his enounter with You would come.  That he would surrender.

Oh God, I pray you would put people of influence in his life, throught his day, that would push him to You.  Put people in his life to speak truth to him and give him Your Word to draw him to You.  Oh God, pull him back to You.

I know You have not let him go.  You love him greatly. Your Word says if ANY  (even one) of these sheep gets lost (Luke 15:4), that You WILL go find him. 

He got lost, Lord.  But, he was once part of the sheep herd before.  He just got lost. 

So, I know You are going to get him.  I pray he hears Your voice and heeds it - coming back quickly.

I know You are standing at the door of his heart knocking (Romans 3:20) on the walls of his heart.  I now You are waiting for him to answer Your call and your knock. 

Oh God that he would not be at peace until he answers Your knock and comes to Your voice.  But, I pray that he would be miserable, until he comes to You again.  Do not give him rest in his searching, until he finds You, I pray.

May he hit the bottom, oh God, and turn to You for help up.  May he search for You and cling to You forever and ever.

May he long to be the man you've called him to be.  May he stop seeking his own self and seek You instead. Oh God, that You would have mercy.

How I love You, my God.  I thank You for your protection and guidance all along this journey. I thank You for the shelter of Your wings and the strength of Your arms to hold me even in my lonely hours. 

I know this man's decisions will NOT keep me from what YOU have called me to do and the plans You have for my children.

I thank You that You have set my destiny in motion, and that You know my heart. 

You KNOW I do not want to be with this man again.  I do not want his arms to wrap around me again. I do NOT want his lips to touch mine again or anything else of that nature.  I do NOT want him again - in my home or anything else. 

I am thankful that You know my heart, and You are guiding me into goodness and truth. 

I will not worry about tomorrow or all that is to come. For I trust You.  If it is Your desire for this to be again, You will give me the strength for it.  You will change my heart. 

If it not be Your desire, then I pray You continue to show me.  And, I pray even in that, that You will not let D. go, but have mercy on him and draw him to You.

I trust Your promise to me to bless me and my family in unimaginable ways - blessing my "socks off." I know you have plans to use me incredibly.  Your ways ARE higher than mine, so I want whatever it is that You want, Lord.  May my heart line up with Yours always. I give myself to you everyday to use me as You will.

All for YOUR glory, oh my God, my King. 

In Your Precious Son Jesus' Name, I pray,

Amen