Day Four - Focusing

"3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV)


Not sure where to start tonight - so I'll start here.  Today has been a battle to keep my mind focused.  A battle to make sure I keep all my thoughts and imaginations brought under the submission of God - taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ.  


I like another translation of this better I think.  I like the way the New Living Translation's says it best.  It makes it easier to understand, I think. 


³ We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. ^4 [a]We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. ⁶ And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.


So, today I have been taking captive my thoughts.  There have been LOTS of thoughts on all this - thoughts on how to continue on, thoughts on how to fix things, thoughts on how to live a life as a single mom of two very special boys (this in itself is daunting at times - for the work load is unbelievable), thoughts of what I could have done differently to save this marriage or be a better wife, thoughts on the future and what I have seen in my spirit, - thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.  


I'm a feeler AND an analytical person at the same time.  I am intuitive, but I also believe in listening to reason. So, I often try to reason things out or work them out in my head.  Well, sometimes, that reasoning and "working things out" in our heads is not what God wants.  He just simply wants us to trust Him.  Trust Him to meet all our needs.  Trust Him to wait on Him for the right answers and provisions.  Trust Him in everything.  


I have soooo much to give Him.  So much I want to do for Him.  So much I have to offer.  There is soooo much. But, all He is asking for is for my all today and for me to trust Him with all my tomorrows.  

So I'm working on refocusing.  And, I'm working on stopping this trying to work it all out in my head.  I want my thoughts to be HIS thoughts.  For His thoughts and ways are HIGHER than mine.  


Today was a good day - harder than yesterday I think.  But, more revelation has come.

So, for now, I'll just wait and trust in Him for the tomorrows.  Today, I'll live my all for Him today.  

Day Three - No Compromising

Psalm 119:1—12

 ¹ Joyful are people of integrity,
      who follow the instructions of the Lord.
 ² Joyful are those who obey his laws
      and search for him with all their hearts.
 ³ They do not compromise with evil,
      and they walk only in his paths.
 ⁴ You have charged us
      to keep your commandments carefully.
 ⁵ Oh, that my actions would consistently
      reflect your decrees!
 ⁶ Then I will not be ashamed
      when I compare my life with your commands.
 ⁷ As I learn your righteous regulations,
      I will thank you by living as I should!
 ⁸ I will obey your decrees.
      Please don’t give up on me!

Beth

 ⁹ How can a young person stay pure?
      By obeying your word.
 ¹⁰ I have tried hard to find you—
      don’t let me wander from your commands.
 ¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart,
      that I might not sin against you.
 ¹² I praise you, O Lord;
      teach me your decrees.

I will rejoice in following his commands, and I will NOT compromise.  I will not compromise my beliefs and what I KNOW to be truth for anything or anybody.  At least, I don’t want to do so anyway.

In the last 3 days I have heard truth from God clearly on several things. My emotions are being set aside, and I am being able to see the picture more clearly . I praise God for that.  I praise God for clarity and wisdom that He e Hgives to us when we ask Him.  And with that wisdom, I must obey Him, when I hear Him say, “Do not compromise.” 

Today has been a good day, just tiring with the kids at school.  I am blessed that God is showing me how to structure my day and blessing me with creative talent and ideas to get the job done more efficiently and for His glory.  Like someone told me recently, “I may not be exactly where I want to be right now in my job situation (I long to be a stay at home mom, who works part time to support her family – and who is HEAVILY involved in ministry – whether it be children’s or fostering kids), but I WILL do it to the best with God’s help.”  I will do a good job at my job.  God expects me to live an excellent life and do my best at whatever He puts before me, so I choose to walk as an extraordinary woman, full of grace and wisdom. 

There are things that I’d like to happen in the future and things my heart has would like to happen – but I refuse to compromise. I refuse to be led by anything other than God.  I WILL walk in HIS blessings, but only in the way HE chooses. 

So, again I surrender to Him, for I KNOW that I refuse to compromise! J

Just a Girlie Post/Vent on Bras

Okay - so I went to the store today to get a new bra.  I needed one, because of the weight loss and weight training.  Ha ha ha - not an intentional play on words.

And, I honestly have to say, I think the bra manufacturers AND bathing suit manufacturers are prejudice against girls who have more top (if you know what I mean).  I mean I'm losing weight, so while my bra "around me" size is going down, my cup size doesn't change much.  Yeah - it does some, but I was "blessed" (as some would say - unless you are in my shoes - or should I say cups?) with an abundance.

So, to all the bra manufacturers out there, or those of you who might know some, I say, "It'd be nice, if you wouldn't assume ALL the larger cupped women are necessarily bigger bodied.  Just because we are bigger up top, does not mean we have bigger bellies to go with them."  I'm just sayin'.  

As for the bathing suit manufacturers - "Why would you NOT put underwires in a bathing suit for bigger chested women?"  Goodness gracious, that little stringy thing they give us and those little "mini" bras inside bathing suits, are NOT going to hold "these girls" all up. I'm just thankful SOME bathing suit designers DO get that some of us ladies need a little extra help.

It took some time this year, but I finally found a bathing suit that would visually minimize my top (cause I certainly don't need any more attention drawn there than I get already), but also keep everything in place when I was and was NOT swimming.  Well, the bathing suit I bought, is the most expensive thing I have in my closet (well, other than the lamb-skin leather coat D. bought me that I'm trying to find a needy person to bless with it).  The bathing suit truly IS a miracle worker.  I wore it this past weekend to the beach and to the pool at a friend's house, and LOVED it.  Not only did I enjoy the way it held everything "up".  But, I also enjoyed swimming it in.  It was VERY comfortable. I'm thankful I was able to find it and that it fit correctly WITH undewires!

Okay - enough venting for now - I just needed to "speak my peace" (as my grandmother says).


- side note - I hope to have this "problem" taken care of in a few years.  Maybe sooner than later. My wonderful doctor said she'd be glad to write it off on my insurance.  So, who knows! Maybe I won't have so much of a reason to complain to bra manufacturers in a few years  :) Right?

Day Two - God Holds Us Up

Since I am at the beginning of the paperwork for this divorce, I wanted to set my emotions aside and see this whole picture clearer through God's eyes.  So, I am fasting for 40 days -  I KNOW at the end of this that I WILL have some answers to some things. I am praying for favor with the court system and for this to be a quick thing.  I do not want to go through a long drawn out divorce, but if it be God's will, I will ride it out.

Today has been a harder day than yesterday.  Several times I just wished I had could break one area of my fast.  I wanted to talk with one of my friends sooooo very badly.  Last night, I had several things come up with my parents - which I won't post here.  Nothing that strains our relationship - our relationship is fine.  But, those strongholds that I'm fasting about see Day One- yeah, well, I am seeing already some results of having to "dig" into that stuff.  I didn't do the "digging" - God is doing that.  But, it is yuckier than I thought.

Instead, God supplied backup and encouragement from others.  Also, I was able to speak plainly into my mother's life - reestablishing some boundaries that needed to be reset, and I was able to pray with her and encourage her in the Lord.  God's presence was definitely in the room as I prayed.  Though I was already spent emotionally, God showed up anyway.  His presence does NOT depend on our emotions.  In fact, it seems that when we come to the end of ourselves and have nothing left to give - that is when He shows up and tells us that He was just waiting on us to come to the end of our SELVES in the first place.

Well, He certainly did that today.  He showed up - again and again and again.

There was more paperwork handled with the divorce today - this time on D's end.  Sometimes, it seems that I'm in just a bad dream.  But, I KNOW that I am not.  I know I am awake - and REALLY this is a good "dream".  Why? Why would I say that? -  Because my God is with me in this "dream".  He upholds me and gives me great peace in this "dream".  He promises to bless me and my children in this "dream."  His promises are true and good.  His plan is perfect. 

So I will wait here. I will not break my fast. I will wait on Him.  He will sustain me, even when I have nothing left of myself to give.  He is my rock and my sustainer.  And I will trust in Him.

I do not trust in man - for man has flaws.  Not in my friends - for friends will fail you. Not in family - for family can let you down.

But, I trust in God. Who is the Creator, the Potter, and the One who Saves! He is the peace giver, miracle worker, and way maker.  He makes a way when there is no way! He is! 

Who am I to question what He wants to do with me and my children! I will not! I will just trust!

Day One - Breaking Free

First day of my 40 day fast - 
I am fasting wheat, red meat, and candy - and some friends.

What am I fasting for?
 - To hear clearly from God during this divorce process
 - For some breakthroughs in some areas of my life
 - For pulling down of strongholds in some of my family's lives
 - For  - a few other more private reasons that I won't express in an online journal. 

Today has been a pretty good day though.  Some important papers were signed today with my lawyer in regards to this divorce. I thought it was going to be harder than it was.  And, though it WAS hard, I was at complete peace through it all. 

This morning started off with a sweet text from a friend, reminding me to keep my chin up. She was such an encouragement and sent me some wonderful scriptures from her own quiet time this morning.  I'm so thankful for my sweet friend.

Then, my mother sent me a text also, which was a huge encouragement, telling me how much she loved me, was praying for me, and knew God had my back.

How awesome that God loves us so much.  We ARE to encourage each other in the Lord, and both of these ladies knew I started my fast and knew the what's of what I was fasting.  I'm so encouraged by them both.

This afternoon, my sweet friend text-ed me again, and encouraged me (knowing that I would NEED it) - telling me not to break my fast, even though she knew I was tempted.  And, I WAS - I totally was!  But, I know that there will be some serious breakthroughs and answers when I get to the end of this. 


Also, I heard from my counselor today. He is going to be there to help me walk through this as the process goes along.  He has been such an encouragement - speaking truth into my life and callings things what they are.  He, neither, wanted to see things end up where they are, but he and I and many more feel God's hand on my life through all this.  I KNOW that God has good in store that is to come of this.  

Already, God has helped me get a handle on my emotions on some things.  So, I call today the day of breaking free.  Breaking free! Breaking free from things, food, or anyone that might distract me from  hearing God clearly and from fulfilling what His purpose for my life.  

I want my emotions set aside, so I can hear God clearly in every area of my life.  I want NO distractions, only my eyes focused on Him, and my ears tuned into what HE has to tell me and what He has for me to do.

More of Him, and less of me!

Update on My Storm - part 5 (The Meeting)

When I walked in D.'s place, I was at such peace.  D. had been to see the marriage counselor for the first time that night, so he was just getting home, when I pulled in the drive.  He got out of his truck and walked with me to the door.

After letting me in, he asked if I wanted something to drink.  I replied with a "no thank you," thinking all the time, "I just want to get this over with. I don't want anything to drink to go with this. Let's just hurry it up and move it on."

We sat down.  He in his chair, and me on the couch - as far away as possible from him as I could get. He then proceeded to tell me that he had been to see the counselor and that he wanted to tell me that he was sorry for the pain he'd caused me.  He said that he did still love me and wanted to try to work things out.  He said he knew it was a long shot, but that he wanted to try to win my heart back.  He knew he had lost it.  He again said he was sorry, and asked if I'd let him try to win my heart back.  If I'd give him another chance.

I sat in tears.  I knew this was coming, but I didn't want to hear it.  I was angry at God that I was going to have to say "yes" to D., and I was upset that I was put in this position.

So, with tears brimming, ready to roll down my cheeks, I quickly shook my head back and forth and said, "no, no, no." This was so hard, and I KNOW God helped me it together, as I sat and listened to him say he was sorry. I could barely look at him.

I said, "You have put me through soooo much. You have have taken my heart, crushed it in your hands, thrown it down, spit on it, and then every now and then, you have gone by and kicked it just to make sure it was alive and still hurting. So, no, I will not let you try to win it back."

I finished up with, "I can not do this, D. I can not trust you with my heart again.  On top of that, I have worked on myself while you have been gone. I have allowed God to refine me and turn me into an even better  vessel to be used by him.  What have you done?  You have let yourself go.  You have gone deeper into the sin you have been involved in, and you have gotten yourself into a mess.  Now you just want to up and try to win my heart back to fix things? No, I can't do that."

After my little quiet tirade, I heard God speak to me to be quiet.  So, I sat quietly and looked at D.  By now, I was crying (something I rarely do).

I hurt so deeply, and all this brought up so many emotions.  So much hurt and anger and just plain old PAIN.

So, I sat quietly and prayed.  I prayed asking God, "What? What do you want from me?  Do you really want this of me?  You TOLD me you wouldn't ask me to take him back. You TOLD me that I would WANT him to come back, if he was to come back.  And, I KNOW I don't want him to come back right now.So, What is this?"

God quietly spoke back and said, "Yes, I told you that I would not ask you to take him back, but I am asking you to open your heart up to him and tell him 'yes' that you will allow him to work to win your heart again.  But, tell him the he must WORK for it."

So, I looked over at D., and quietly and respectfully said, "ok" - "if you want to work to win my heart again, okay. I will open the door some.  But YOU must do the work to win it.  I am not supposed to do anything here, but to sit back and watch what happens.  God has already told me that He was going to bless me in my obedience, so I am going to trust Him to bless me in this obedience also. So, yes, I'll open the door for you to try to win my heart again."

D. thanked me.

But, then what he told me next threw me for such a loop, that I didn't even call my counselor for two weeks.  I avoided my counselor, because of what D. said.

- to be continued in part 6 (I Was Wrong?)

Update on My Storm - part 4 (The Phone Call)

Well, I called S., and just "unloaded" all I was going through and dealing with right then. I didn't even care what she thought of me.  I just knew I was supposed to tell her everything. I had so much to say, and I horrible about myself that I didn't want D. back.  I felt guilty that my emotions and heart were saying, "no, no, no," to all this - that I didn't want to do this again. AND, I knew that God was about to ask me to surrender to Him again! But, I also KNEW I had heard from God telling me that this divorce WOULD happen.

I didn't WANT it to happen, but in a sense I just wanted it to be over.  I had lived in this "nightmare" long enough, and just wanted it to be done.

Well, after I unloaded it all on S., she quietly just said, "Tamera, I know someone who went through something similar to what you are going through." And, this is how she handled it.  She then proceeded to tell me some of what had happened to this lady she knew and how this lady walked with God through it all.  Her story was such a testimony of God's faithfulness - of how even though this lady's husband never came back to this lady and still hasn't come back to God, that God sustained the lady through it all and blessed her for her faithfulness and obedience.

She told me how this lady had to do things she didn't want to do and how some of the people in the church even were against some of what her mom had to do.  But, that the lady KNEW she had heard clearly from God and had to obey him.

I was so encouraged.  I had been at such a loss AGAIN. I KNEW I had heard from God.  I had had so many confirmations from different things that had happened and different people who had spoken into my life, that I KNEW this was supposed to be.

So, when I got the phone call from D. saying he wanted to meet, I began to ask God, "Why, God? Why now?" But, God remained faithful and spoke to me through my friend.

But friend S. prayed for me and such peace came over me, that I knew God would be with me and hold me, even with what I was about to walk into.

Before I got in his home, I again prayed that the Holy Spirit would walk with me and give me wisdom in what I was about to deal with.

I KNEW what was coming, but I didn't want it to come.  For with it, meant that I had to surrender to God once again.  Not that I don't try to surrender to Him every day, but sometimes, we think we have it all surrendered to Him, and then He shows us again that we don't - we really don't have it ALL surrendered!

- part 5 (The meeting) to come later

Friday Night Again

Ugh – Friday Night Again

Since D.’s been gone, I’ve come to hate my Friday nights. I dread them really.  The boys are with D. each Friday night, and it stinks.

So, usually, I try to fill my Friday nights up with girl time with some other girls, or phone calls catching up with friends and such.  That seems to help fill up the empty spots, but really, I'd rather be with the boys on my Friday nights (I've missed them all week while they were at school), than I'd rather be with anyone else. 

 

For anyone who is considering divorce or separation, I ask you to reconsider.  It is soooooo hard.  Truly, it is like a death.  Ask God to show you how to make it work. Ask God for intervention and for a miracle. The devil is a liar, and he makes it look like it is the best way.  But, what God has put together, and the oath taken before Him should not be broken.  When you have become ONE before God, it is horrible to try to break it apart.  It hurts worse than any hurt there is, I think.

 I have been through a gamut of emotions on this journey.  Insecurities have popped up that were never there before. I lost confidence in men, and honestly, it is hard to trust that anyone could ever love me and be committed to me EVER, should God ever lead me down that path again.  And, I've lost some confidence in myself in some areas.  I mean, can I do this again? Could I even WANT to do this again?  Why would I? And, what was so wrong with me anyway, to cause this one man to leave? 

On another note, I’ve had to learn to trust God in a WHOLE new way that I never did before. I’ve had to let HIM met my EVERY need – even the ones D. should have been meeting (emotional, physical, financial…). And, my sweet boys have been radically and forever changed already. 

Joshua has lost confidence in people, and is so insecure when it comes to men.  He cries for his dad some nights, yet he never seems to want to spend the night at D.’s house.  He loves to spend time with his dad, but he always wants to come home after his time there. He thinks that he isn’t good enough and has become so insecure around guys.  Sometimes I hurt so deeply for him. 

Caleb has decided that he’s mad about everything.  He has become super clingy to me.  But, he is angry about everything.  He has resorted to hitting his brother – something he never did before. And, he has become rather “mouthy” about things, and shows a lot of disrespect to those in authority over him.

And me?  There are times I feel lost.  I mean I’ve been with this man for over 10 years. I think at times, “What could have been sooooo bad?” Well, really I’m over that question.  It doesn’t plague me so much anymore.  I’ve gotten over a lot of the anger I had at D.  And, I HAVE been angry at him for the pain he’s caused and the stupid decisions he’s made to leave and abandon his family – his wife and kids. “Why would you do this to someone?” I have thought. And, there are  times I just feel lost.

Healing - For healing and help getting through all this - I'm still going to see my "marriage" counselor - though I don't guess he's counseling me on my marriage anymore.  He's just helping me get through all this and giving me some guidance and good wisdom.  And, I'm reading a book right now entitled Healing is a Choice.  Great book, and I'm thankful that God led me to it.  

Discoveries - I’m rediscovering who I am without D. I have discovered that I dooo truly love to laugh. I love enjoying my life.  I have learned that riding horses was such a passion of mine, and that I absolutely still love riding.  I could easily become "addicted" to it again. I have also discovered that I LOVE to feed people.  I want to have them over, feed them, entertain them and show them tons of hospitality again.  

I have discovered that I LOVE to dance again, and I love to sing like crazy.  I do both separately and even at the same time around the house, like a fool. J

I have discovered that I don’t just love my job as a mom, but I want MORE kids to be a mom to.  I KNOW that God is going to use me to foster and adopt kids later on.  I can hardly wait until the day arrives for me to love on more and let God love on more kids through me.

It's not all bad! God has truly been amazing through all this, and it really isn’t all bad. 

I have discovered that I can love again. God will get me there, when He is ready.  I have had a glimpse of what my future looks like, and I have hope for a better tomorrow – only through Christ. I have watched as God supplies amazing Christian friends to lift my arms up when I grow weary, and I’ve learned that I CAN walk so close to God that He speaks amazingly loud and clearly to me. 

Even in my new insecurities, I have security in Him.  All the insecurities will be worked out, because HE will help me get through them. He will help me to continue to regain my footing and get it together.  When my feet continue to stay firmly planted on Him, I have security KNOWING that He holds me and my children and all our tomorrows in His hands. 

But it’s not easy. That’s for sure.  There are days I feel more emotionally needy than others – those days God supplies friends, it seems to come along and lift me up.  I’ve found on those days, that when I encourage others, I myself am encouraged.  I am lifted up.  

There are days when I feel free, like I can fly.  Then there are days, where I feel like I want to cry for I know this is not easy on my boys, and I do not look forward to what they have to deal with ahead in all this. Then there are days I am filled with such joy, that I could just jump from cloud to cloud in the sky, if joy were a jet pack to shoot me in the air.

My hope is the promise I hear from God that He will protect my children, and that though there will be scars, that He will use this for HIS glory.  I trust that He will, and that God will use me to lead them to Him. That they will be passionate about Him all their days and strive to serve Him and please Him in every area of their lives.  

My hope is that tomorrow will come, and that God has many blessings for me and my boys ahead. I just have to continue to trust Him and obey in each step He leads me to take.  

My hope is that He is going to use this all for His glory one day. 

That’s my hope.

Looking forward!

This much have I discovered!

Update on my Storm - part 3 (the phone call)

On Thursday night, I went to worship practice at my church. I sang with great abandonment and surrendered my life again to God to do with as He willed - no matter what that may be.  While practicing, I asked God again to help me deal with what I knew was coming ahead.

10 minutes before our practice ended, D. called.  He left me a message to call him, because he wanted to talk.

After practice, I called him on the way home (my mother was taking care of the boys that night and had put them to bed). So, I returned D's call and asked him what was up.  (I KNEW what was up, though). D said, "I'd like to talk to you."

My reply was quickly, "Well, I don't want to hear what you have to say.  I really don't.  So why don't you just tell me what it is now."

He sweetly said, "No, I want to tell you in person. So, let's set up a time to get together and talk. How bout this weekend?"

"No, no, no, no. I do not want to do this," I screamed in my head.  - not outloud, though I felt like it.

So, being the kind of person who just wants to get things over and done with, I said, "well, let's talk tonight.  Mom's keeping the kids.  I can meet you at your place.  How long before you get home?"

"45 minutes," he responded."

"Okay, I'll see you then," I added, and then I hung up.

I quickly begged God to help me. I KNEW I had 45 minutes to pray, and I needed guidance and the wisdom of God to handle what I KNEW was coming from Dave.

I called my best girlfriend to pray with me, but she didn't answer.  That was God, though.

I called out to God saying, "okay God, J. isn't available to pray with me, but I KNOW I need someone to pray with me.  I can't do this and stand in faith on this on my own.  What do I now?"

Not even 30 seconds later, my phone buzzed with a text from my friend S. at church.  She sings with me on the worship team, and said she wanted to check on me to make sure I was okay.

Up untilo now, I rarely received text messages from S.  We are friends, but our relationship had developed to the level where we texted each other a lot.

So, I responded back to her text message, saying, "No, I am not okay."

So, she asked if I wanted to call her, and knowing this was God's "lifeline" to me, I did. -

(the rest of the story to come in part 4)

What Is It YOU Want From Me?

"What is it You want from me, God?" This became my prayer today.  There is sooo much going on in my life, that I haven't asked God regarding my future in ministry to much lately. God has asked me to stay surrendered to Him so much the last year and a half.  When I didn't like the way things were going, I just repeatedly had to go to God and surrender my life back to Him. But, in ministry I haven't asked God too much on where He was going to take me later when it came to leaving the public school system. I just have been so busy praying over all the drama in my life and surrendering to God's will in all that, that I haven't taken the time much to focus on what happens next after the dust settles from it all.

But, today, I started looking forward again to what and where does God want to take me, moving forward from all this.

Where and how does God want to use me in the days, months, and years ahead?  What is the plan He has for me?

I know I am supposed to be a mom first, and that I'm supposed to train up my boys in God's ways.  I know I am supposed to walk in all the fruits of the Spirit and flow in the anointing He has for me.  I know I will have to continue to surrender myself to Him daily, but my question is "Where are we headed in all this?  What lies ahead that YOU want for me in the days, months, and years ahead?"

I think I see some things in the future, that I like. But, I also ask God at times, "Are You sure? Is this for real? Is there REALLY such a thing to be true?"  And, I hear God tell me to just trust Him.  He'll take care of it. I just have to continue to stay surrendered and obey.

I believe that when we truly seek God, He will reveal His plans and His heart to us.  But, we must diligently seek Him.  So, again I am seeking Him, and I am asking again, "What is it You want for me? What is it that you have planned in the years ahead?"  I am content to remain single the rest of my life.  Though, I hope that I won't have to do so.  But, more importantly, I just want to serve Him in whatever capacity HE has for me. I don't want to move in things I want for me, but in what God wants for me and my children.

So, I'm asking again tonight, "What is that God? And what is it going to look like in the days ahead? Where do you want me to function again in ministry outside of the public school?" I mean I sing now in our church worship team. I have worked as a children's ministry leader at the church, and my heart's desire is to hopefully get involved with the teens in our church later in the next year.  But, what and how, I don't know.

Teaching in the public school takes SOOOOO much of my time.  There is little of me left over for my boys, much less for church.  I give and give and give, and I wonder, "how can I do it, God? How can I give more, to Your kingdom and to benefit others, yet still lower the stress level of my life?"  How?

I don't really know the how's and why's yet, but I AM going to trust Him to take care of it all and to fill in the details. I'm just going to trust!

So, tonight, my prayer again is "what and how. Show me, oh God."

That's all for now - stay tuned for the rest of the updates on my life saga.

Coming tomorrow - Part 3 (The phone call).

Update on my Storm - part 2 (the waiting)

After the service the night John Bevere was at our church, I called D. and asked him what he thought about the message and the presence of God there.  He casually said, "It was good." 


Stunned, I replied, "That's it? You just thought it was just GOOD?"  


He was quiet for a moment, and the nonchalantly said, "Well, I liked what John said about being a friend of God.  That was good."  

I was in awe.  How could he only take away from this, that it was just "good?"  God's presence had been so very thick in the room with us.  There was even a time I felt I couldn't stand for God's presence was so thick.  
How could D. have stood in the presence of God like that and only felt it was just "good?" 


The next day, D. wrote me a short note that said, "Just so you know, I'm proud of you and your abandonment of self to God.  It may not mean anything to you, and that's OK, but I wanted you to know anyway." 


I so wanted to ask him why he couldn't do the same.  I wanted to shake him, saying, "Don't you know that you can be this abandoned to God too?  Don't you know the blessings God would pour on you if you did? Don't you know that God's plan for you is bigger than ANY you could ever have?"  


I didn't though. I just prayed for him, and let it be. 

The next two days, I didn't hear from D. much until Thursday (last week).  He said he was going to see the counselor (my counselor - who's a spirit-filled certified marriage counselor).  


I was excited he was going, but now concerned again that he was going to change his mind.  For I KNEW, that going to the counselor was going to sway him back to me. And, in my flesh I didn't want that.  There had been too much pain, too many words from D. about my inefficiencies, and too many things, that I didn't want to have to deal with.


Yet, in my spirit, I wanted it more than anyone can understand.  I wanted everything to be set back right and for God to use my situation as testimony of His grace and mercy- of HIS restoring power and work. 


So, again, I waited for him to go and for his phone call (that I knew would come). 

The New Proverbs 31 Woman Unleashed

Last night I was talking to a friend about Proverbs 31, and later as I reflected on the conversation, it got me to thinking, "Am I still that woman I used to strive be?"  (See  http://proverbs31woman.com/ ) When D. and I were together, I used to strive to be this woman daily.  In the past, I would ask God to refine me and help me be her in every way - in my organization, my time management, my honor for D., my countenance, my energy, my influence, my self-discipline, my parenting and training of my children, my joyful work at home, my diligence, my trustworthiness, kindness, and more.  I even made a vision list 2 years ago of what my vision was for the year, and being a Proverbs 31 woman was part of that vision.  "Then the LORD answered me and said, 'Record the vision And inscribe it on tablets, That the one who reads it may run.'" Hab. 2:2

Here's a list of what I wrote 2 years ago for my vision. 

"My desire is to live my life pleasing to God in which I SEE myself:


- walking in an intimate relationship with Him continually
- being my husband's helpmeet
- training my children to walk uprightly with the Lord
- being a true Proverbs 31 woman - full of wisdom and grace
- witnessing to others and leading them to God
- ministering to my brothers and sisters in Christ and encouraging them in their walk, admonishing them to do His perfect will and walk uprightly before Him
- being a powerful mover and shaker of the supernatural and natural through prayer
- having fun and walking in JOY for God's journey for my life here - even in times of turmoil.

I was thinking about this again this morning, and I asked myself (as I used to do often when D. and I were together) – I asked myself again, “Am I still this woman?” . (See  http://proverbs31woman.com/ )

 I used to so strive to be her.  I think she represents the heart of what God wants a woman to look like who follows after Him. But, lately with life so “crazy” at times, it seems I have lost part of that woman in me.  So, after doing some reading and strategizing, I have decided that single or married, divorced or not, that I was going to be that woman again.  

I used to be her, I know.  My reason for being her, was … well, it was because I was a Christian MARRIED woman.  I never thought about being that woman while I was single too. 

Now, I KNOW that I have kept MANY of the Proverb 31 woman’s qualities, and several have been enriched, since going through the fire I have been in.  But, some of her qualities have been lost in myself.  I want to regain those qualities – and have them whether I’m married or not.

So, today, I’m making a new decision – I want to look back at myself in 3 months and say, “Wow, you did it.  You worked hard to gain those qualities again. You let God work on even MORE areas of your life that needed refining, and you are allowing Him to work out the flaws in you.”

Yes, I AM flawed – I know, it’s hard to believe.  But, I am. *chuckle* Just kidding.  I really am quite humble, just seem to have been given a good dose of humor from God to go with the humility.

At any rate – sit back and watch – for the new Proverbs 31 woman in Tamera is about to be unleashed!

Stay tuned for more!

A Letter of Reflection I Wrote in November 2009

This is a letter I wrote in November 2009.  I was looking through where I have been in the last year and a half, and what God has brought me through.  The refining process has been hard, but so worth it, to where I am now.

Thought I'd just post here of about the month my life REALLY seemed to unravel... (though it didn't really unravel - God had me held tight the whole time)

November 2009

I have felt I needed to write this letter for some time, but have not wanted to write it due to the time I knew it would take to write and to the length that it would be.  I also did not want to write it, because no one likes to admit that she is a failure.  However, I have had so many wonderful blessings from God in during this awful storm I am in right now, that I do not want to keep you from growing in your faith just because I don’t feel like or want to write right now. 

So here I am, writing my heart and letting you know what has been going on in my home the last month.  I’ll start at yesterday, then go back to a month ago, and I’ll finish with today and my tomorrow’s.

Yesterday my husband D. informed me that he was leaving me, since he had no desire to work on our marriage anymore, nor he said, was he in love with me anymore.  We had a long and painful talk about our marriage, and D. said he was done.  God was with me through the whole discussion and gave me such love, peace, humbleness, yet boldness all at the same time – if you can imagine all that.  God gave me words of truth to be spoken in love, yet He enabled me to stick to the main thing and keep my mouth closed over the petty issues.  God poured His wonderful Word through me to encourage my husband, yet hold him accountable at the same time.  It was wonderful and draining all at the same time.

Now, let me go back to four weeks ago.

Over Thanksgiving this year I noticed that D. was extremely stressed and tense.  He was snappy.  He called me names he NEVER calls me.  He was impatient with me and the kids and even quiet short and impatient with his parents.   I just thought this was because of the trip to see his parents and the usual stress that comes along with it.

However, the week after Thanksgiving, D. was acting the same way.  He had grown VERY distant from me, and we had not made love in two weeks.  I worked to initiate love making and even worked to figure out what was wrong – only to be told by D. that he didn’t know what was wrong, but he just knew he couldn’t take it anymore.  Little did I know the REAL battle that was going on was for my marriage and for D.’s soul. 

The weekend after Thanksgiving, D. informed me he was not in love with me anymore, and he suggested that we get rid of the two dogs and the cat.  He also said that he was upset with me because I gave him kids, and because he didn’t want kids. 

Of course those two weeks after Thanksgiving, I began to see my world as I knew it unravel, and I started seeing that there was more to this than just D. being unhappy with me.  In fact, God began to show me that this wasn’t about me at all, but about something much more.  There was/is a serious spiritual battle that was/is going on here for D. 

The following weekend (the weekend of December 12^th), D. went away for the weekend to “sort out” his thoughts and feelings.  He was gone two days, and when he came back, he informed me that he was interested in seeking legal separation and possibly a divorce.  But, he said he couldn’t make his mind up what he wanted to do.  He wanted God’s will, but that He couldn’t figure out what that was right now.

 The great thing for me is that God had already prepared me for this.  God had already set my heart and mind ready to receive this, and I already knew this before D. even spoke. 

On that Sunday, D. gave me a LONG and detailed letter listing all the reasons he didn’t want to stay married to me and be with the kids, and he gave me a small list of reasons he might like to stay with me and the kids.   When I went to read the letter, God told me to scan it, not read it.  For the lies listed there would enter my heart and affect me.  So, I scanned the letter quickly, praying the whole time for God to be my shelter and shield to protect me from the lies of the devil – which were put on the pages of the letter.

After scanning the letter, I asked D. if he had prayed about this, and he replied that he had not, but that he was confused and had a hard time hearing anything from God.  I tenderly reminded him of God’s blessings for staying married and working together in unity, and then I reminded him of God’s disdain for divorce and separation.  D. said it wasn’t up for argument, but that it just was what it was.

When asked the REASON for wanting this separation and possible divorce, D. told me that he was not able to fulfill God’s vision for his life if he had a wife and kids in tow.  His WHOLE reason, he said and still says, for leaving us is so he can do God’ s ministry work and to have more time to spend with God and doing the work of God.    AHHH – what a liar that devil is!  What a liar! 

I could go more into this, but essentially, you get the idea. 

I have to tell you, though this storm I am in has definitely been rough, God has truly been my rock.  Each day during this time, God has given me a word for the day.  My words have been:  brokenness, peace, redemption, forgiveness, admiration, patience, anger, hope, praise, honor….  When I am at my lowest points at times, God has had a friend or my mother call me and encourage me.  When I am at some of my loneliest moments, God has had someone come over for a visit or had one of my kids come up and hug me for no other reason that just to say “I love you, Mommy.” 

A story – One night early on in this, I went to the bedroom to privately cry out to God quietly.  I was so very lonely, and I cried out to God and begged him to forgive me of my selfishness.  I told him that I was lonely, and though I KNEW that He was all I really ever needed, that I sure could use a hug and some physical affection.  Immediately after my prayer time, Caleb (our two year old) came in the room, crawled in the bed with me, wrapped his little pudgy arms around my neck and squeezed as tight as he could.  He then proceeded to kiss my face all over and say “I love you, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.  I love you, Mommy.”  I cried out to God in thanksgiving – thanking Him for using someone so small to bless me. 

Another story – One day, as I lay in my prayer closet praying during my quiet time, I heard God convey to me that I needed to tell D., that if he wanted to leave, that he could leave.  AHHHH! “How could I do this?” I asked God.  “If I tell D. he can leave, I know he will leave. He’ll be glad to be free of me.”  God still pressed me to tell him. At the end of my prayer time, I told God that if He truly wanted me to do that, He would have to give me boldness to do so. 

I got up from my prayer time, and went to sit at my desk, and immediately my phone buzzed.  It was my mother.  She called and asked if I could check my email.  I said, “no, not at work.”  She said that I needed to read what she had sent me from Dr. James Dobson.  She said that she had just heard him speak on what to do if a spouse wants to leave another spouse, and that he said I should tell D. that if he wanted to go, that I love him greatly and desired to be married to him, but that he was free to leave. 

Right then, I knew it was God, and I had immediately had the boldness I needed  (wrapped in love) to tell D. he was free to leave.

There have been many more miracles (not coincidences) that have happened in my life since then – from me finding just the right marriage counselor to me opening a Christmas present from my unsaved mother-in-law. 

Quick story about my mother-in-law – While visiting with her in Missouri at Thanksgiving, we all decided to go shopping in an Amish store around St. Joseph, Missouri.  In the store, I saw a magnificent wooden plate, decorate in my home’s country theme.  The words on the plate read, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass.  It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”  This is what God has been teaching me this past year – to rejoice and give Him praise even in the storm.  Praise You in This Storm! I commented at the time on what a beautiful plate it was and how much I loved that motto.

Well, Christmas Eve night, I opened the gift from my mother-in-law, and discovered that she had purchased, wrapped, and shipped me that wonderful plate.  She had/has no idea of the storm I’m in right now, nor did she have any idea that I would be going through this. I HAD no idea at the time of our shopping excursion, that I would going through this storm right now.  But, GOD did!  God knew!  When I opened the plate, I heard God whisper to me heart “I love you, Tamera.  I love you so much that I care for even the smallest details.  I will bless you no matter what D. decides.  I will use others to bless you. This is how much I love you.” 
 

I was so choked up, I had to put the plate down for a time, so as not to look at it and start sobbing.  In fact I didn’t even look at the plate again until the next day.   I did later get to spend time in my bedroom alone, so I could pour out my tears of joy and gratitude before I God – once again telling Him I was sorry for doubting Him, and how much I loved Him.  God truly loves each one of us GREATLY!  We just have to be willing to obey Him, and we will see His blessings unfold in unimaginable measures. 

Honestly, this will be the hardest journey I've ever made, but it will be worth it in the end. I look forward to the hope God has given me of His many blessings as long as I obey and do my part in this. 

I KNOW I cannot do this without Him. 

He's already promised to bless me, but he promises that if I do this, I cannot even imagine the blessings that I will see. So, here I am - going to another level with God - one I have never been to before. I have placed myself on the altar and told God to do with me as He will. All for His glory - All for His glory!