FEAR - very real, stark, and dark, enveloped me last night. I haven't felt fear like that in a LONG time. This fear stayed with me for only about 5 minutes or so, but just that short span of time was enough to cause me to pray out loud in the dark, even as my children slept nearby.
What was my reasoning for this fear? D.
It's tax season. Time for taxes to be finalized. In years past, this was done earlier in the year, usually by March at the latest. But, due to the circumstances in my life this year, taxes have been put off until now.
At any rate, through a series of events in the last 2 weeks, I was finally able to convince D. to let me do our taxes, if he wanted them done together (which he DID want them done together). All this time, he has insisted that HE would do our taxes, and that I could just look it over when he was finished with them. But, miraculously, D. gave me his information last night for the program I was using for taxes (one we have used in the past - just the 2010 version now).
For the last 2 weeks, I have dreaded having to sit down to do this with D. to do the taxes, and even considered filing separately from him. I prayed about it, and just never felt like HE was the one supposed to put everything together. Something just kept not "feeling" right about the whole thing.
So, finally he relented and said he'd let me do the taxes.
Well, after looking at everything and punching numbers last night, I came to the conclusion that I do NOT need to file with D. this year. He owes a LOT of money. He made some bad decisions and had less taken out this past year than he should have, and he had a few other things done that I won't mention here.
When the numbers are finalized, he will owe enough for ....well, ....I won't even say - other than it's a LOT! Whereas, I can almost break even on my taxes or get a refund, I think.
So, today God has positioned people in my life to give me wisdom on this, and I have stood back amazed at how He has orchestrated my day.
One lady who sat at my table today, that I NEVER sit with, had been through a similar thing with her husband - not the divorce stuff, but with the taxes issued. She told me the form to go get and file with my taxes which will shelter me from owing on any part of D.'s taxes.
Another was a guy who volunteers in my room each week, and he just "happens" to be (I found out today) a retired CPA! What! He gave me great advice, and made me feel tons better.
At any rate, knowing that I would have to tell D. today that I wasn't filing with him this year, is where my fear came from last night. I don't know this man anymore, and with his state of mind, I never know what he is going to do. He deals with depression issues and has talked to me about suicide some in the past.
So, fear swept over me last night, because I know D.'s anger and what it looks like. I KNOW that he is going to be angry when he discovers that I will not file with him and "eat" his mistakes. Fear - because he has guns. One of which he carries with him at all times. Fear - because HE lives in anxiety. Fear - because I don't know what he will do. Fear - for my children and I, even as we slept. I just don't trust D. anymore.
So, I lay in bed last night and prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed until the fear left. I prayed the Word of God over my kids - recalling the scriptures I could remember.
Then when fear left, uneasiness walked in . It was with uneasiness that I finally went to sleep praying, and then with uneasiness that I woke up with at 2 o'clock. It was because of uneasiness that I prayed through the morning and read the Word - until FINALLY uneasiness left, and in came peace about 4:30 or so.
And, peace has been with me ever since. Each time uneasiness or fear try to walk back in the door, I pray again and the peace of God closes the door on both of them. I KNOW that God has me and my children in His hands of protection. And that He is directing our destinies.
If at all, you have time and can remember, please pray for the boys and me. God IS with us. But, please pray for God's protection and for His continued direction in our lives. It is so easy at times to get discouraged with all that is going on in this storm.
I KNOW that the storm is going to pass, but there are times that are rougher than others. I just have to persevere and push on through it - walking with my Master of Peace, Lover of my Soul, and Guider of my Steps.
Until tomorrow!
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