Update on Things Here

I know some of you are wondering how things are going and where are we with everything.  So, I'll take a moment to update you on things.

The paperwork for my divorce was filed in March.  In fact, the day I knew it would be filed was the day I started my 40 day fast.  I could NOT not fast during this.

Presently, my and D.'s lawyers are working out all the technicalities of everything (I think).  Final papers are supposed to be signed next month - sometimes around the middle of the month.

 God has kept His hand on me in all this. He has given me wisdom, sent me friends to help me, and surrounded me with people to encourage me and support me in this journey.

Prophetic words have been given (all lining up with one another), and even two dreams were given to me, and interpreted by someone within a week of the dreams given.  That in itself was an amazing experience that I'll write about later.

I know this divorce will go through, but then I knew it would go through back in January - God had told me it would go through.  I fought it then in my spirit, and my heart cried out against it.  But, now I am at peace with it.

I know some might not understand, but I'm truly at such a peace in this.  I am content to rest in Him, and I do not cry out against this divorce anymore.  I am just surrendered to whatever God wants to do. I live for Him.

I don't live my life for anyone but Him.  Before, I lived with the fear of what others would think. I lived with the fear of what some would say about me being a divorced woman in the ministry.  I lived with the fear that others DID judge me and said I had given up on my marriage.  But, I know that is not true. I did not give up.  I DID let go when God asked me to do so though.

Should D. get his life together, and come back to God, I would work to reconcile. But, I will not pray for reconciliation or even desire it right now.  I do not.

I wish my picture could turn out differently as some have.  Yet, at the same time, I like the picture that God has set before me of what's ahead.  It is good.  He has good in store.  He has assured me that He will take care of me and the boys no matter the poor decisions of others.  And, He has shown me time and time and time and time again that HE is my provider, and that HE gives favor along with grace for the journey.

My mother and I were talking about this just recently. She said something I hadn't thought about.  She said something along the lines of, "Isn't it interesting that it wasn't God's perfect plan for King David to have all his wives, and it wasn't God's perfect plan for King Solomon to have all his wives.  Yet, David was a man after God's own heart.  AND, God used King David and King Solomon in such a mighty way - to WRITE the Psalms and Song of Solomon and even possibly Ecclesiastes."

Two of my heart cries since I was a LITTLE girls was "Oh God, may I be a girl/woman after your own heart, and God make me wise like Solomon - as wise as him, if you so please to do that."

And, most of my life, I've been told by others, "You have such a passion for God.  God has such an anointing on you.  You have such a heart for God.  The wisdom He has given you is way beyond your years."

Now, I don't ride on the talk of others, but I do KNOW that I strive to do God's will EVERY day of my life. I seek to KNOW Him more and do what HE would have me do.  AND, I pray for wisdom, which I KNOW He gives!  His very Word says He gives it to those who ask.

I know I have found favor with Him, and that I am pleasing in His sight. I know this wasn't His perfect plan - this divorce that I'm about to finish up.  But, it IS in His plan.  And, He will use it for His glory.

So, while I'm waiting.... Well, listen to the song below - It speaks what my heart beats now!



That's about it for now. There is more to write, and I WILL get to it.  But, I have written all I'm supposed to tell for now.  You'll just have to wait for the rest of the story to come later.

Be blessed,

TJ

Day Four - Focusing

"3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV)


Not sure where to start tonight - so I'll start here.  Today has been a battle to keep my mind focused.  A battle to make sure I keep all my thoughts and imaginations brought under the submission of God - taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ.  


I like another translation of this better I think.  I like the way the New Living Translation's says it best.  It makes it easier to understand, I think. 


³ We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. ^4 [a]We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. ⁶ And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.


So, today I have been taking captive my thoughts.  There have been LOTS of thoughts on all this - thoughts on how to continue on, thoughts on how to fix things, thoughts on how to live a life as a single mom of two very special boys (this in itself is daunting at times - for the work load is unbelievable), thoughts of what I could have done differently to save this marriage or be a better wife, thoughts on the future and what I have seen in my spirit, - thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.  


I'm a feeler AND an analytical person at the same time.  I am intuitive, but I also believe in listening to reason. So, I often try to reason things out or work them out in my head.  Well, sometimes, that reasoning and "working things out" in our heads is not what God wants.  He just simply wants us to trust Him.  Trust Him to meet all our needs.  Trust Him to wait on Him for the right answers and provisions.  Trust Him in everything.  


I have soooo much to give Him.  So much I want to do for Him.  So much I have to offer.  There is soooo much. But, all He is asking for is for my all today and for me to trust Him with all my tomorrows.  

So I'm working on refocusing.  And, I'm working on stopping this trying to work it all out in my head.  I want my thoughts to be HIS thoughts.  For His thoughts and ways are HIGHER than mine.  


Today was a good day - harder than yesterday I think.  But, more revelation has come.

So, for now, I'll just wait and trust in Him for the tomorrows.  Today, I'll live my all for Him today.  

Update on My Storm - part 5 (The Meeting)

When I walked in D.'s place, I was at such peace.  D. had been to see the marriage counselor for the first time that night, so he was just getting home, when I pulled in the drive.  He got out of his truck and walked with me to the door.

After letting me in, he asked if I wanted something to drink.  I replied with a "no thank you," thinking all the time, "I just want to get this over with. I don't want anything to drink to go with this. Let's just hurry it up and move it on."

We sat down.  He in his chair, and me on the couch - as far away as possible from him as I could get. He then proceeded to tell me that he had been to see the counselor and that he wanted to tell me that he was sorry for the pain he'd caused me.  He said that he did still love me and wanted to try to work things out.  He said he knew it was a long shot, but that he wanted to try to win my heart back.  He knew he had lost it.  He again said he was sorry, and asked if I'd let him try to win my heart back.  If I'd give him another chance.

I sat in tears.  I knew this was coming, but I didn't want to hear it.  I was angry at God that I was going to have to say "yes" to D., and I was upset that I was put in this position.

So, with tears brimming, ready to roll down my cheeks, I quickly shook my head back and forth and said, "no, no, no." This was so hard, and I KNOW God helped me it together, as I sat and listened to him say he was sorry. I could barely look at him.

I said, "You have put me through soooo much. You have have taken my heart, crushed it in your hands, thrown it down, spit on it, and then every now and then, you have gone by and kicked it just to make sure it was alive and still hurting. So, no, I will not let you try to win it back."

I finished up with, "I can not do this, D. I can not trust you with my heart again.  On top of that, I have worked on myself while you have been gone. I have allowed God to refine me and turn me into an even better  vessel to be used by him.  What have you done?  You have let yourself go.  You have gone deeper into the sin you have been involved in, and you have gotten yourself into a mess.  Now you just want to up and try to win my heart back to fix things? No, I can't do that."

After my little quiet tirade, I heard God speak to me to be quiet.  So, I sat quietly and looked at D.  By now, I was crying (something I rarely do).

I hurt so deeply, and all this brought up so many emotions.  So much hurt and anger and just plain old PAIN.

So, I sat quietly and prayed.  I prayed asking God, "What? What do you want from me?  Do you really want this of me?  You TOLD me you wouldn't ask me to take him back. You TOLD me that I would WANT him to come back, if he was to come back.  And, I KNOW I don't want him to come back right now.So, What is this?"

God quietly spoke back and said, "Yes, I told you that I would not ask you to take him back, but I am asking you to open your heart up to him and tell him 'yes' that you will allow him to work to win your heart again.  But, tell him the he must WORK for it."

So, I looked over at D., and quietly and respectfully said, "ok" - "if you want to work to win my heart again, okay. I will open the door some.  But YOU must do the work to win it.  I am not supposed to do anything here, but to sit back and watch what happens.  God has already told me that He was going to bless me in my obedience, so I am going to trust Him to bless me in this obedience also. So, yes, I'll open the door for you to try to win my heart again."

D. thanked me.

But, then what he told me next threw me for such a loop, that I didn't even call my counselor for two weeks.  I avoided my counselor, because of what D. said.

- to be continued in part 6 (I Was Wrong?)

Update on My Storm - part 4 (The Phone Call)

Well, I called S., and just "unloaded" all I was going through and dealing with right then. I didn't even care what she thought of me.  I just knew I was supposed to tell her everything. I had so much to say, and I horrible about myself that I didn't want D. back.  I felt guilty that my emotions and heart were saying, "no, no, no," to all this - that I didn't want to do this again. AND, I knew that God was about to ask me to surrender to Him again! But, I also KNEW I had heard from God telling me that this divorce WOULD happen.

I didn't WANT it to happen, but in a sense I just wanted it to be over.  I had lived in this "nightmare" long enough, and just wanted it to be done.

Well, after I unloaded it all on S., she quietly just said, "Tamera, I know someone who went through something similar to what you are going through." And, this is how she handled it.  She then proceeded to tell me some of what had happened to this lady she knew and how this lady walked with God through it all.  Her story was such a testimony of God's faithfulness - of how even though this lady's husband never came back to this lady and still hasn't come back to God, that God sustained the lady through it all and blessed her for her faithfulness and obedience.

She told me how this lady had to do things she didn't want to do and how some of the people in the church even were against some of what her mom had to do.  But, that the lady KNEW she had heard clearly from God and had to obey him.

I was so encouraged.  I had been at such a loss AGAIN. I KNEW I had heard from God.  I had had so many confirmations from different things that had happened and different people who had spoken into my life, that I KNEW this was supposed to be.

So, when I got the phone call from D. saying he wanted to meet, I began to ask God, "Why, God? Why now?" But, God remained faithful and spoke to me through my friend.

But friend S. prayed for me and such peace came over me, that I knew God would be with me and hold me, even with what I was about to walk into.

Before I got in his home, I again prayed that the Holy Spirit would walk with me and give me wisdom in what I was about to deal with.

I KNEW what was coming, but I didn't want it to come.  For with it, meant that I had to surrender to God once again.  Not that I don't try to surrender to Him every day, but sometimes, we think we have it all surrendered to Him, and then He shows us again that we don't - we really don't have it ALL surrendered!

- part 5 (The meeting) to come later

Update on my Storm - part 3 (the phone call)

On Thursday night, I went to worship practice at my church. I sang with great abandonment and surrendered my life again to God to do with as He willed - no matter what that may be.  While practicing, I asked God again to help me deal with what I knew was coming ahead.

10 minutes before our practice ended, D. called.  He left me a message to call him, because he wanted to talk.

After practice, I called him on the way home (my mother was taking care of the boys that night and had put them to bed). So, I returned D's call and asked him what was up.  (I KNEW what was up, though). D said, "I'd like to talk to you."

My reply was quickly, "Well, I don't want to hear what you have to say.  I really don't.  So why don't you just tell me what it is now."

He sweetly said, "No, I want to tell you in person. So, let's set up a time to get together and talk. How bout this weekend?"

"No, no, no, no. I do not want to do this," I screamed in my head.  - not outloud, though I felt like it.

So, being the kind of person who just wants to get things over and done with, I said, "well, let's talk tonight.  Mom's keeping the kids.  I can meet you at your place.  How long before you get home?"

"45 minutes," he responded."

"Okay, I'll see you then," I added, and then I hung up.

I quickly begged God to help me. I KNEW I had 45 minutes to pray, and I needed guidance and the wisdom of God to handle what I KNEW was coming from Dave.

I called my best girlfriend to pray with me, but she didn't answer.  That was God, though.

I called out to God saying, "okay God, J. isn't available to pray with me, but I KNOW I need someone to pray with me.  I can't do this and stand in faith on this on my own.  What do I now?"

Not even 30 seconds later, my phone buzzed with a text from my friend S. at church.  She sings with me on the worship team, and said she wanted to check on me to make sure I was okay.

Up untilo now, I rarely received text messages from S.  We are friends, but our relationship had developed to the level where we texted each other a lot.

So, I responded back to her text message, saying, "No, I am not okay."

So, she asked if I wanted to call her, and knowing this was God's "lifeline" to me, I did. -

(the rest of the story to come in part 4)

Update on my Storm - part 2 (the waiting)

After the service the night John Bevere was at our church, I called D. and asked him what he thought about the message and the presence of God there.  He casually said, "It was good." 


Stunned, I replied, "That's it? You just thought it was just GOOD?"  


He was quiet for a moment, and the nonchalantly said, "Well, I liked what John said about being a friend of God.  That was good."  

I was in awe.  How could he only take away from this, that it was just "good?"  God's presence had been so very thick in the room with us.  There was even a time I felt I couldn't stand for God's presence was so thick.  
How could D. have stood in the presence of God like that and only felt it was just "good?" 


The next day, D. wrote me a short note that said, "Just so you know, I'm proud of you and your abandonment of self to God.  It may not mean anything to you, and that's OK, but I wanted you to know anyway." 


I so wanted to ask him why he couldn't do the same.  I wanted to shake him, saying, "Don't you know that you can be this abandoned to God too?  Don't you know the blessings God would pour on you if you did? Don't you know that God's plan for you is bigger than ANY you could ever have?"  


I didn't though. I just prayed for him, and let it be. 

The next two days, I didn't hear from D. much until Thursday (last week).  He said he was going to see the counselor (my counselor - who's a spirit-filled certified marriage counselor).  


I was excited he was going, but now concerned again that he was going to change his mind.  For I KNEW, that going to the counselor was going to sway him back to me. And, in my flesh I didn't want that.  There had been too much pain, too many words from D. about my inefficiencies, and too many things, that I didn't want to have to deal with.


Yet, in my spirit, I wanted it more than anyone can understand.  I wanted everything to be set back right and for God to use my situation as testimony of His grace and mercy- of HIS restoring power and work. 


So, again, I waited for him to go and for his phone call (that I knew would come). 

Update on My Storm - part 1 (John Bevere)

It's been a little over a week, since I've blogged here.  I can hardly believe it. 

I've started several posts this week, but haven't finished them.  Maybe at a later time I'll go back and add them in.  But, for now, I'll leave them.

The past week has truly been, as some say "an emotional roller coaster." There is much to write about - so I'm going to do it in parts. I hope to get it done by the end of the day, but we'll just see.

It started last Saturday with some advice from a friend of mine, that I didn't like hearing.  It irritated me quite a bit, and caused me to be stirred up a lot.  More praying!

Then, on Sunday, John Bevere ministered at our evening service.  The presence of God fell rather radically in the place, and God prompted me to pray for D.'s soul and ask him once more to come to church to hear John Bevere preach the next night.

I left the church that night upset that I was being asked by God to do this.  But, I did it anyway.  I spoke against any demonic spirits that were keeping him bound, and I commanded them to leave him.  I spoke with authority to the bondages in his life to be removed, and prayed that his heart would get cracks in it - enough to allow slivers of light and God back into his life. I prayed and spoke against things that were holding him tight and that were keeping him from hearing God - I prayed this all the way to D.'s place (he had the boys - I was going to pick them up).

When I got there, I laid my hand on his door before going in, and I commanded the demonic influences there to move back, for the Holy Spirit walked with me, and HE was coming in with me!

I knocked on the door, and felt such peace as I walked in. I knew that God was about to speak through me into Dave. So, I went in and sat down. I NEVER sit down on D's furniture at his place, but on Sunday night, I KNEW I was supposed to sit.

D. looked at me a little confused, but I just grabbed my 3 year old and began putting his socks on him.  Then D. asked, "How did church go?"  I told him it went well, and then I looked him squarely in the eye.  With a quiet boldness I added, "You're supposed to go with me tomorrow night." (This was not something, in my flesh, that I wanted him to do either). *There was a like a war within my own self, between my spirit and my flesh, over this whole thing, but I KNEW I was supposed to do this.*

At any rate, I told him that I knew and he knew that he was lost, that he was miserable, and that he was SEARCHING and just HOPING that someone would come along and show him/tell him what he was supposed to do.  I told him that the glory of God was in that church that night, and you go where the glory is to get revelation.  For where the presence of God is, there is liberty and revelation. 

He hesitated a moment, but he finally accepted, saying he'd go.

That night I went home torn.  I KNEW that he was going to get revelation, and that God was going to change him.  I KNEW that if God changed him, that D. would want to try to reconcile. Do I need to repeat again how much I do not want this!

The next morning, my mother so wonderfully kept my kids for me, so I could have some quiet time to pray and think. I prayed all morning. Even while I was at the grocery store, I prayed.

In my prayers, I cried out to God and BEGGED Him to please not ask me to take D. back. At one point I was standing at a window, pleading with God, and I cried out so earnestly from the depths of my soul, that I could not even remain standing. I was broken and begging. I was like the lady who went before the judge praying, asking, pleading earnestly. I  plead that if my God truly was the God of mercy, that He would look at all my sacrifices, all my obedience, and at my heart and in His mercy please not ask me to take D. back. 

Now some might not understand this who have not been through what I've been through.  There has been so much hurt.  See, not only did D. abandon me and the boys, but he also left me financially crippled.  I have had to pinch pennies like never before. I have had to pick up another part time job on top of the full time (50+ hour a week) job I already work, to make ends meet.  I even had to quit paying my house payment, just so I could pay financial attorney's fees, because I couldn't pay everything. 

Then, to add "icing" to it all, about once a week D. would send me emails that would lambaste me as a person.  There have been many times over the last few months, that I would have to tell him that I was not reading his emails anymore that week or that day, because they got to be so bad. 

He has lived for his SELF, for quite some time.  So, last September, when God told me to let him go, I did so - GLADLY! 

Now, it seemed, though, that God was asking me to intercede heavily for him.  Why? My only rational was that God was about to change him, and that meant D. would be coming back to this marriage.

So on Monday, I plead with God to have mercy on me and not ask me to take D. back.  After some time of what I call the "ugly cry," I heard God assuredly, firmly, and quietly say, "I will not ask you to take him back.  If he comes back and I give him back to you, you will WANT him to come back.  You will WANT him back."  I cried again.  This time in joy.  I felt such a release. 

"I don't have to take him back.  God isn't going to ask that of me? Really? Thank you, God!" 

Now, I wasn't upset that D. was coming to church, and that God might do something so radical in him that I might be asked to take him back.  Now, I was just nervous that he was coming to church.  I was nervous that I was going to have to sing in front of him (I'm on the worship team at my church).  So, I prayed that God would help D. see God in me.  That D. wouldn't even see me, but see God.  I prayed that I would be able to worship with my mind on God only, not on the fact that D. was there.

During worship practice before the service, there were many times I thought I'd crumple in tears. My heart was still heavy.  I just knew that if I was going to cry this easily in just the worship PRACTICE, that I would cry even easier in the service, once the presence of God descended so heavily on the place.

But, it wasn't to be that way. When I walked back on the platform Monday night to sing with the worship team, God filled me with amazing joy!  I was so full of joy, there were times, I had to actually put the microphone down to my side, because I couldn't stop laughing.  I was amazed at such joy!  Wow!

The service was amazing.  Many people were touched.  The presence of God came in the room in such a way, that you could almost touch it.  It was THICK!

Yet, D. still seemed to remain hard-hearted through the service.  Even at the end, when over 70% of the people stood who wanted to walk in the fear of God, who haven't been as they should, D. still didn't stand.  He was sooooo very cold and hard through the service.  He walked out of there, as if nothing had changed!  

BUT God!  -more to come in part 2