Well, I guess it's time to tell you. I haven't posted it here, for my own privacy reasons, but I thought it was about time I posted it here. About time to tell you what all has been going on in my life in the last few months.
I don't know any other way to break it to you, other than just to come right out and say it. So here goes.
I AM seeing someone. Courting, actually. But, I am seeing someone.
I will tell you more about it all later on, but I did want you to know I met someone.
Whether you approve or not, is not relevant. There has been MUCH prayer put into this, a lot of counsel has been sought, and I have read and re-read the Word for answers to see if this was okay. It isn't man's or woman's approval I have sought, but God's. THAT is what is relevant.
Each time I have asked, if this was right, God has come through with either confirmation from a person who didn't know what I was praying, or even with a dream. I have stood in awe at God's hand in this whole thing, and those around me are excited and in awe too.
My guy friend is just that - my friend. We have been friends for almost a year now, but that's it. He was just a guy friend I knew from church. I didn't entertain thoughts of being with him or even have a desire to know him other than just as some guy I knew from church. Yet, as our friendship has grown, we have realized that God has had a special plan for us even from the beginning.
He has taken my boys under his wing and has grown to love them immensely and is excited to be spending Christmas with my family this year and me and the boys with his family.
This isn't some rushed-into relationship. It HAS been a slow process - something I have prayed about, because I did not ever have that with D. I also was not friends with D. when we got married. Our friendship had to be worked on and was a constant struggle through our whole marriage. But with my guy friend, our friendship comes easily and our relationship is easy. CRAZY easy.
We have people around us to help us keep our feet on the ground. My wonderful pastor and his wife help keep us accountable and have been amazing. My sweet friend even went to my pastor to ask his permission to court me. I was moved to tears.
My friend has been going about once a week to talk about our relationship with my pastor, and my pastor and his wife and others around us are praying for us and counseling us as we move forward. I wish I had done this with D. for I KNOW I would not have ever married him. But, then I wouldn't have my two precious children, and I would not be who I am now.
Please pray for D. He is not better, but gets worse. I knew this would happen, as it is one of the issues of his disorder, but I also am believing that God is working on him, and that He will come back to God one day. Oh, that that day would come sooner than later.
My heart still hurts for him and all that he has thrown away. It has been much. Even my sweet friend said he was so sorry for D. and all that he threw away and left. When D. finally realizes what he has done, it will be such a sad day and time. I hurt for him and for that day to come.
Yet, I rejoice at all that lies ahead.
Reader, I wish you could walk into my life and see all that God has done. I wish I had the time to sit and type it all, hopefully to give you a better glimpse of what God has been doing in me this last year. But, I can not. I can only try to catch you up as we go along in the days ahead.
Hopefully, I'll catch you up before I get married again. But, who knows. I will try to keep posting before I write "I'm married again." But, then again, who knows. :)
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Christmas Again - Looking to What Lies Ahead
Well, it's Christmas again. As I sit in my now quiet living room looking at my tree the boys and I have put up this evening, I am sipping on my French cream decaf coffee nostalgically thinking that this is most likely and even hopefully my last Christmas here in this home. For 7 years, I have celebrated Christmas in this house. I have decorated the tree, added lights around my kitchen entryway, hung the wreath on the door and the wall over the sofa, decorated the bathroom, and lit holiday spice candles to make the house smell good. A lot of good memories rest between these walls. A LOT of good memories.
So, tonight, I'm a little sad of all that has happened here, yet I am happy at the same time looking forward to what lies ahead. I look forward to my next year of tree decorating in a new house. I look forward to time spent around the trees opening up gifts with the family under a new roof, making new memories, and sipping on hot apple cider and cocoa between new walls.
So, instead of being sad about what will be left behind, I am going to choose to be happy for what lies ahead. There are great adventures still left to be had. There are more Christmas carols to sing off key, more tickles to be had under a new roof, and more prayers to pray in a new kitchen each morning as I start the day. There is more. God is good, and His mercies are new EVERY morning. Lamentations 3:23
So, tonight, I'm a little sad of all that has happened here, yet I am happy at the same time looking forward to what lies ahead. I look forward to my next year of tree decorating in a new house. I look forward to time spent around the trees opening up gifts with the family under a new roof, making new memories, and sipping on hot apple cider and cocoa between new walls.
So, instead of being sad about what will be left behind, I am going to choose to be happy for what lies ahead. There are great adventures still left to be had. There are more Christmas carols to sing off key, more tickles to be had under a new roof, and more prayers to pray in a new kitchen each morning as I start the day. There is more. God is good, and His mercies are new EVERY morning. Lamentations 3:23
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
So Life Goes On - And God IS Good
Well, it's been over a month now since the papers for my divorce were signed and finalized by a judge. The day of the signing was surreal. Sitting down to sign the papers wasn't too bad, but watching D. sign them was like watching something happen in a dream. The final chains were broken, and promises that had been made were broken. It was not painful, just surreal.
The marriage had been over for over a year - longer really. I just hadn't known it. And, I didn't let go of it, until God told me to let D. go. THAT was hard. But, God knew. He knew it was over and that D. wasn't coming back. He knew.
So, I sat the first weekend of October and watched D. sign the papers that said our marriage was officially by law broken and no longer. A year ago, this might would have ripped my insides apart, but God knew I wasn't ready then, though D. was going to do it then, had he had the money. But, God knew. He knew I wasn't emotionally ready for the full impact of this day.
Now, I look back over the last 11 years and see so much of God's grace in my marriage and in my life. I see His hand at work, and His help all along the journey. It wasn't easy, that's for sure. But, I am so grateful for His help each step of the way.
Every time I was rejected or threatened with divorce over the years. Every time I was told I wasn't good enough. Even when I was told that I was .... Well, some things are best left not said. But, even then, God's grace was so good. His mercy so full and empowering. He gave me strength when I had none left. And, He gave me joy and love when none was given.
I look at it all, and say, "thank you, God. Oh, thank you."
Today, life goes on. And, it is rich and full. It still goes on.
The marriage had been over for over a year - longer really. I just hadn't known it. And, I didn't let go of it, until God told me to let D. go. THAT was hard. But, God knew. He knew it was over and that D. wasn't coming back. He knew.
So, I sat the first weekend of October and watched D. sign the papers that said our marriage was officially by law broken and no longer. A year ago, this might would have ripped my insides apart, but God knew I wasn't ready then, though D. was going to do it then, had he had the money. But, God knew. He knew I wasn't emotionally ready for the full impact of this day.
Now, I look back over the last 11 years and see so much of God's grace in my marriage and in my life. I see His hand at work, and His help all along the journey. It wasn't easy, that's for sure. But, I am so grateful for His help each step of the way.
Every time I was rejected or threatened with divorce over the years. Every time I was told I wasn't good enough. Even when I was told that I was .... Well, some things are best left not said. But, even then, God's grace was so good. His mercy so full and empowering. He gave me strength when I had none left. And, He gave me joy and love when none was given.
I look at it all, and say, "thank you, God. Oh, thank you."
Today, life goes on. And, it is rich and full. It still goes on.
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Caleb and I at a Spa and Resort someone blessed us with a stay at this summer. |
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| Joshua - fun at Sunsplash |
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| Loving kisses from my sweet Caleb |
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| So Fun |
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| Huckleberry Finn Does a flying leap into the mud hole |
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| Sitting with his PaPaw at the muddle hole - fishing. |
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| Boys WILL be boys - No bathing suit? Let's just go swimming in our underwear. |
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| Our deep thinker. |
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| Off to go a fishin.' |
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| The man who taught me to fish and just JUMP. |
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| Laughs with Joshua in bed. |
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| Kicking up some water in the sprinkler |
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| Boy just wanna have fun! |
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| Working hard for their Mama. |
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| All tuckered out! |
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| Oh so cute! Just considering how to get in the water without Mama knowing. |
Monday, September 12, 2011
Fasting - Just some thoughts on it
This is from a letter I emailed a group of ladies about 2 years ago. I had no idea at the time I wrote it that I was about to enter into a VERY hard season in my life - with my husband informing me he was leaving me. I had no idea that I would be fasting more the next 2 years than I had EVER in my entire life, and that I would be growing in the areas that I have grown in - learning to rely on my God for my EVERYTHING and to be my constance guide and
companion.
But, I can tell you, that after reading it again this afternoon - the words in it still ring true with me, and I can testify that fasting HAS brought about revelation and change in my life. It has brought about breakthroughs I could not have had without it.
companion.
But, I can tell you, that after reading it again this afternoon - the words in it still ring true with me, and I can testify that fasting HAS brought about revelation and change in my life. It has brought about breakthroughs I could not have had without it.
This past year I have practiced, come to love, depend on, and seen amazing results from the wonderful discipline of fasting. I have seen and experienced how fasting draws us so close to God. It disciplines us and humbles us to be able to hear His voice more clearly. When our souls seek His heart, voice – HIM- more than we seek or comfort ourselves with food, He gives great blessings and revelation.
James 4:8 says “when we draw nigh to God, He will draw nigh to you (us)….” How wonderful He is, His Word is/becomes, and His voice so clear when we are willing to lay down part of our desires to draw nigh (closer) to Him.
I asked myself why more people don’t fast, whether it be just for a certain food type (meat, chocolate, sugar), a meal, a day, a few days…, and I have come to the conclusion that it is because the devil knows how POWERFUL fasting is. He tells us that we should “wait” until we FEEL that God is telling us to fast, or that we aren’t doing it (fasting) right if we don’t go completely without. The devil legalizes and causes us to over-analyze the practice of fasting so that we just don’t do it at all.
Yet Jesus tells us in His word in Matthew 6 that we are to give, pray, AND fast. He says in Matthew 6:2 “when you give…” and tells us what to NOT do and what to do when we give. He tells us in Matthew 6:5 “when you pray…” and again tells us what to not do and then models what we are to do in His prayer to God (The Lord’s Prayer). Then in Matthew 6:15, He finally tells us what to do and not to do “when you fast….” The assumptions “when you give…, when you pray…, and when you fast…” are not made that only two (giving and prayer) would be done, but that all THREE would be done. I believe we miss out so much on what God has for us because many Christians only two of these three.
Christians don’t mind praying. We seem to pray a lot when we are in trouble. Even non-Christians pray; Muslims pray; Hindus pray. We don’t mind the praying. Most of us don’t mind giving (well, as long as it doesn’t affect us too greatly J). We give our time at church or in ministry or we give financially to God’s house and His work. But, when it comes to fasting, that’s something all together different. Who wants to give up FOOD for God? Not many Christians do. Food is what we celebrate with and comfort ourselves with. Our “King Stomachs” love our food. So for us to have to cause our flesh to come under submission and discipline to give up food is something many of us find hard to do, and I believe that our stomachs are one of the things that hold us back from TRULY “feasting” on all God has for us spiritually.
We don’t have to wait on God to tell us to fast or even to “feel” like we are to fast, in order to do it. Just try giving up one meal or one type of food (one you like/ picking something you don’t like doesn’t count) for a couple days and see how much more clearly you hear God’s voice. Remember that God knows your inner heart, so if you pick to give up beans for a week and beans aren’t something you really LOVE to eat, then your fast isn’t going to be as effective. But, if you gave up chocolate for a week or for whatever allotted time period, something that many of us women soooo very much love, then God sees your sacrifice and will honor it.
Fasting isn’t just good for your spirit and soul, but it is also good for your body. Don Colbert has two books out regarding the health benefits of fasting and how to do it safely if you plan on doing an extended fast for 3 days or longer with only juices for nourishment. He strongly recommends getting a doctors’ guidance if you go longer than 3 days without food. After just today coming off an extended fast myself, I will tell you that getting a good doctor’s advice for this (especially for us moms who have a family to care for at home) is good advice.
If you don’t feel you can do an extended fast right now, I encourage you to at least try to give up a certain food/foods. Try the Daniel fast (you can research on that online), or just give up one meal and spend time with our Lord. You’ll be amazed at what all God does in your life when you fast. He is so good to honor His Word, and He does draw so close to us. You’ll also feel better too (after the fast, not during it, probably J).
Don’t let legalism and the devil’s lies hold you back. Don’t let your stomach keep you from a closer relationship with God and all the goodness He has to offer you. Don’t miss out on your breakthroughs. I encourage you – FAST. It is one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do.
Repost of Valentine's Weekend Blessing
Just a post I finally am reposting from earlier this year - 2/07/11
Like another post, I removed this post due to some feedback I had gotten from one of my readers. Nothing major, but enough to make me remove the post for a bit.
After some consideration, I decided to add it back too. Enjoy
Like another post, I removed this post due to some feedback I had gotten from one of my readers. Nothing major, but enough to make me remove the post for a bit.
After some consideration, I decided to add it back too. Enjoy
Valentine's Weekend Blessing
When you obey God and honor him with your lips, your thoughts, your time, and your money, you will find that He will bless you in unimaginable ways.
For over 4 weeks now, the idea of getting through this Valentine's Day has been so daunting to me. For over 10 years, I have looked forward to this special time. I was always eager to plan or let my husband plan the special event for us and what we would do with this day to show each other how much we loved each other. It had become such a wonderful habit. (Though, I must say, last year wasn't quite the same!)
At any rate - this year, my church is having a couples Valentine's banquet with a great guest speaker. How I wish I could go! It's just that I have always enjoyed the couples' thingy get togethers. I enjoyed getting together with other couples, sharing in the laughs and similarities of just being a couple. And, now I feel like I'm on the outside crowd.
I'm not just on the outside crowd with married couples, but now with singles too. For how can I fit in that crowd? Or even in the divorced crowd?
I certainly have no desire to go to some divorced group therapy bit, sitting there with a bunch of other possible "vultures" who are just waiting to pounce on some "poor" sweet Christian girl/lady (or so they will think I'm some poor lady - ask some of my friends. They will testify that it would take a strong man to handle my spice, spunk, and energy) whom they want to be their "rebound" girl or their replacement helpmeet. No thank you!
Dating? Are you kidding? No thanks!
The world's motto now seems to be "try it, before you buy it." In fact, I just recently had a co-worker encourage me to do some "trying" around to see what I might like. WHAT! This is crazy, and soooo not Biblical. I don't need to "try" anything or anyone. I KNOW I am led by the Holy Spirit, and I'll trust Him to take care of the details. I have no desire to date, hold hands with, or kiss anyone that might not be God's best for me.
Yuck! Why can't more singles get this concept? Don't they know that if they aren't kissing or holding hands with the "right one," then they are doing so with someone else's husband or wife? NONE of this is Biblical!
Okay - back to the blessings' story.
So, for this weekend, I wanted to get away. I wanted to spend some quiet time with just me and God and hopefully some time with the kids down at the beach. I knew I couldn't afford this - due to legal fees and such- but I thought I'd ask around and look anyway.
I didn't put a lot of effort into looking or asking. In fact, I only looked at one place and asked one person.
Well, on Sunday, God asked me to give not just my tithes but also more than double my tithes as part of the offering. That sounded crazy to me, but God, I KNEW, was asking me to do so. My argument for common sense was, "God, you do know I have to pay these legal fees, right?"
Well, God said to do it anyway, so do it, I did.
The next day was pay day - and I looked at my pay stub and saw that the bonus I had received in my pay check, covered what God had asked me to give.
AND NOW!
I received a phone call from my friend who I had asked about the beach overnight stay discount. But, instead of saying he was giving me a discount, he told me that the whole weekend would be covered. He said that he felt God wanted to bless me, so I was getting this trip. God came through and used this person as a vessel to bless me with an all expense paid cruise to the Keys this next weekend, and possibly a 2 night stay at a spa and resort! The whole trip including the cruise normally would run about $1300. That's crazy! That's God!
Can we say "happy dance," praise dance, and small yell! I'm more than excited! I'm ecstatic! I can't even tell ya!
So rejoice with me! God's love is amazing! And, I'm excited for what He has for me and my boys in the days ahead!
Alone
It's been a while since I've posted - Okay - it's been almost 3 months.
Sorry for the brief furlough. It's been a busy 3 months.
First, I had off for the summer with my boys. I was able to get that time off about 10 days before my last post, and I can honestly say I enjoyed EVERY part of my summer with the boys. We had a blast - fishing in the pond, jumping into muddy water, swimming at the local water park here, and just BEING together. Just BEING.
In the last year, the boys and I have not just learned how to cope, but we have learned to live again. It wasn't ideal. It wasn't what we wanted. It wasn't our choice. But, we have survived - at least this season anyway.
I know there is more to come. I know that more challenges are ahead. I know that I will have to address issues later on that I don't have to right now while the boys are still young. But, I also know I serve a BIG God who knows that these issues will need to be addressed. I know He will protect us and keep their hearts and minds.
Being single still has its challenges, but it isn't as bad as the original break was at first. The wound has healed quite a bit. And though there is still a scar, and it's still ugly red, it's a scar. It's not a gaping, ugly, open wound that is fizzing puss and yuck. It's just a scar that will fade with time.
I still love the man. I love him deeply, more deeply than I thought I had.
I see him in many things and can hear his deep laughter that rolls out of his chest. I see him in our Disney trips and can see the sweat pouring off his brow in this Florida heat. I can see him with his silly fanny pack and feel his exasperation that he is sweating so much. I can hear him make jokes with the boys as they take their baths and hear him let the dog out and then lock up for the night. I miss his logic with the kids and his down-to-earth mannerisms. I miss him at times (the good times and the good stuff), but I know that the good was only a handful compared to the bucket fulls of bad.
Yet in all the missing - I feel freedom. I feel such freedom to move on. I feel alive again and joyful again. I feel God's hand greatly on my life as He guides me.
I'm far from perfect. I have definitely made mistakes, but I am striving to do His will in everything. I am striving to get it right and be pleasing to Him. And, I pray in the end that I will hear Him say, "Tamera, you did well. And, I'm proud of you."
I pray He is proud of me - in learning to live again, love again, trust again, play again, run, dance, and sing again. I pray He is proud of me - in just being.
Sorry for the brief furlough. It's been a busy 3 months.
First, I had off for the summer with my boys. I was able to get that time off about 10 days before my last post, and I can honestly say I enjoyed EVERY part of my summer with the boys. We had a blast - fishing in the pond, jumping into muddy water, swimming at the local water park here, and just BEING together. Just BEING.
In the last year, the boys and I have not just learned how to cope, but we have learned to live again. It wasn't ideal. It wasn't what we wanted. It wasn't our choice. But, we have survived - at least this season anyway.
I know there is more to come. I know that more challenges are ahead. I know that I will have to address issues later on that I don't have to right now while the boys are still young. But, I also know I serve a BIG God who knows that these issues will need to be addressed. I know He will protect us and keep their hearts and minds.
Being single still has its challenges, but it isn't as bad as the original break was at first. The wound has healed quite a bit. And though there is still a scar, and it's still ugly red, it's a scar. It's not a gaping, ugly, open wound that is fizzing puss and yuck. It's just a scar that will fade with time.
I still love the man. I love him deeply, more deeply than I thought I had.
I see him in many things and can hear his deep laughter that rolls out of his chest. I see him in our Disney trips and can see the sweat pouring off his brow in this Florida heat. I can see him with his silly fanny pack and feel his exasperation that he is sweating so much. I can hear him make jokes with the boys as they take their baths and hear him let the dog out and then lock up for the night. I miss his logic with the kids and his down-to-earth mannerisms. I miss him at times (the good times and the good stuff), but I know that the good was only a handful compared to the bucket fulls of bad.
Yet in all the missing - I feel freedom. I feel such freedom to move on. I feel alive again and joyful again. I feel God's hand greatly on my life as He guides me.
I'm far from perfect. I have definitely made mistakes, but I am striving to do His will in everything. I am striving to get it right and be pleasing to Him. And, I pray in the end that I will hear Him say, "Tamera, you did well. And, I'm proud of you."
I pray He is proud of me - in learning to live again, love again, trust again, play again, run, dance, and sing again. I pray He is proud of me - in just being.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Transformation
Much has changed over the years since I was first married - One of the things which had greatly changed for the worse was my weight. Below is a picture of me when I first got married.
I was at a healthy weight, liked myself a lot and didn't beat myself up for things.
Then, after I got married, I began to beat myself up about everything. I thought, "I'm not patient enough, smart enough, kind enough, submissive enough, gentle enough, accepting enough, funny enough,...." I also thought, "He doesn't like me because I'm not as good as a housekeeper as he would like, or as good at being punctual as he would like, or as good at being quiet in the mornings as he would like, or as good at being alone as he would like,...." There was tons of stuff I never felt like I was good enough at. So, I worked on all those things, instead of working on what God wanted me to be working on. Part of that "what" should have been me. I let the physical side go, so I could focus on all the other parts. But, the physical side is important too.
Unfortunately, my lack of care of self led me to this. See below.
Sad, I know. Don't be too shocked. For after this picture in 2004. I gained even more weight with my son and had a horrible time losing that too. I ended up looking like this.
Scarier, I know!
I see these pictures of myself now, and think, "WOW! Was I really THAT big! REALLY!"
And, I'm so thankful, God has brought me to another level of my life and walk with him.
It has taken some time, and God's transforming work. But, God can and DID do it.
The transformation God has made in me is incredible - inside and out. I'm not only stronger on the outside, I'm stronger on the inside too.
I have learned to cling to Him everyday and lean on Him for everything. I have found that He is with me in the times I spend with friends, the time I spend with my boys, and in my alone times. He is with me.
Here is where I am today.
Much thinner. MUCH thinner! And Much stronger.
And, though my life has changed and gone in a direction I NEVER expected it to go, I find that when I trust in God and let HIM do the transforming, that I really AM at my best. He has the BEST for me. I just have to be willing to listen and obey in ALL things - including food and exercise - even when I don't feel like it or see the benefit of it.
His Word is Transforming. And, though my outside has changed - it is really the inside (my heart) that is most important. From the inside out.
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| Dad, Me, Mom, My Brother |
I was at a healthy weight, liked myself a lot and didn't beat myself up for things.
Then, after I got married, I began to beat myself up about everything. I thought, "I'm not patient enough, smart enough, kind enough, submissive enough, gentle enough, accepting enough, funny enough,...." I also thought, "He doesn't like me because I'm not as good as a housekeeper as he would like, or as good at being punctual as he would like, or as good at being quiet in the mornings as he would like, or as good at being alone as he would like,...." There was tons of stuff I never felt like I was good enough at. So, I worked on all those things, instead of working on what God wanted me to be working on. Part of that "what" should have been me. I let the physical side go, so I could focus on all the other parts. But, the physical side is important too.
Unfortunately, my lack of care of self led me to this. See below.
Sad, I know. Don't be too shocked. For after this picture in 2004. I gained even more weight with my son and had a horrible time losing that too. I ended up looking like this.
Scarier, I know!
I see these pictures of myself now, and think, "WOW! Was I really THAT big! REALLY!"
And, I'm so thankful, God has brought me to another level of my life and walk with him.
It has taken some time, and God's transforming work. But, God can and DID do it.
The transformation God has made in me is incredible - inside and out. I'm not only stronger on the outside, I'm stronger on the inside too.
I have learned to cling to Him everyday and lean on Him for everything. I have found that He is with me in the times I spend with friends, the time I spend with my boys, and in my alone times. He is with me.
Here is where I am today.
Much thinner. MUCH thinner! And Much stronger.
And, though my life has changed and gone in a direction I NEVER expected it to go, I find that when I trust in God and let HIM do the transforming, that I really AM at my best. He has the BEST for me. I just have to be willing to listen and obey in ALL things - including food and exercise - even when I don't feel like it or see the benefit of it.
His Word is Transforming. And, though my outside has changed - it is really the inside (my heart) that is most important. From the inside out.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Your Self Esteem
Where does your self-esteem come from? Does it come from other people - their opinions, their view of you, their comments, and how they treat you? Does it come from your abilities and what you are able to do? Does it come from your accomplishments and what you know you are going to accomplish?
Many people have such a low self-esteem, or opinion of themselves. They do not think very highlly of themeselves; therefore, they do things that are harmful to themselves - like hurt themselves, or overeat or undereat, or speak negatively about themselves, or even live in a lifestyle that is harmful to them.
I too struggle at times, some days more than others, with my own self-esteem. But, I have something many do not have. I have the knowledge of knowing that my self-worth does not come from myself. Instead it comes from God. God finds me valuable and worth it. He found me valuable enough to send His only son Jesus to die for my sins. He found me valuable enough to let me hear the message of redemption. AND, He found me valuable enough to give me a choice between His love for me, or to continue on the path of self-destruction I was on.
He found me valuable, and He still finds me WORTH it!
I many times don't find myself worth it. I have been guilty of comparing myself to others, thinking that I'm not good enough. I have thought - well, I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or witty enough, or ..... Anything, in myself, just didn't seem enough.
The great thing is, that there is NOTHING within myself that is enough. NOTHING. However, when I said "yes" to His ways and His plan and HIS gift of salvation, I found that my value really wasn't in who I thought I was, but in who GOD thinks I am.
I forget this from time to time, though not as often as I used to do so. I have come a long way, but I take hope that He will continue to remind me of my value to Him, and I don't have to depend on who I think I am. For truly, within myself, I am just NOT enough.
Many people have such a low self-esteem, or opinion of themselves. They do not think very highlly of themeselves; therefore, they do things that are harmful to themselves - like hurt themselves, or overeat or undereat, or speak negatively about themselves, or even live in a lifestyle that is harmful to them.
I too struggle at times, some days more than others, with my own self-esteem. But, I have something many do not have. I have the knowledge of knowing that my self-worth does not come from myself. Instead it comes from God. God finds me valuable and worth it. He found me valuable enough to send His only son Jesus to die for my sins. He found me valuable enough to let me hear the message of redemption. AND, He found me valuable enough to give me a choice between His love for me, or to continue on the path of self-destruction I was on.
He found me valuable, and He still finds me WORTH it!
I many times don't find myself worth it. I have been guilty of comparing myself to others, thinking that I'm not good enough. I have thought - well, I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or witty enough, or ..... Anything, in myself, just didn't seem enough.
The great thing is, that there is NOTHING within myself that is enough. NOTHING. However, when I said "yes" to His ways and His plan and HIS gift of salvation, I found that my value really wasn't in who I thought I was, but in who GOD thinks I am.
I forget this from time to time, though not as often as I used to do so. I have come a long way, but I take hope that He will continue to remind me of my value to Him, and I don't have to depend on who I think I am. For truly, within myself, I am just NOT enough.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Judging Motives vs Judging Fruit.
Sometimes it can be so hard not to judge someones motives - their heart. Why are they doing what they are doing? Why are they giving to me, to the church, or to anyone else? Why are they being nice? Why are they becoming involved in this project or that activity? Why do they want to do what they are doing? Are they doing it for spotlight status? Are they doing something because they really want to, or because they feel obligated? Why are they doing what they are doing? And on and on we could go.
Lately, I've been guilty of judging motives a lot. I guess it's mainly because of the situation I'm in right now, and I want to know the why's on what someone is doing. But, I (we, as Christians) am not supposed to judge someone's motives or their heart. God says that's his job.
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
God looks at the heart. He can see inside of man, but we can not.
1 Corinthians 5:12 - Paul said, "It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning."
We are not supposed to judge motives. 1 Corinthians 4:5 - "So don’t make judgments about anyone ahead of time—before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due."
I can ask the what questions. But, I need to get rid of my why questions when it comes to judging people. It's not for me to know their why's right now. God will reveal that later when he makes our darkest secrets come to light. He will reveal the private motives.
I will just trust that no matter the motive of the other person, that God is orchestrating my life.
Psalm 37:23 - The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.
Lately, I've been guilty of judging motives a lot. I guess it's mainly because of the situation I'm in right now, and I want to know the why's on what someone is doing. But, I (we, as Christians) am not supposed to judge someone's motives or their heart. God says that's his job.
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
God looks at the heart. He can see inside of man, but we can not.
The following are notes I took from part of John Bevere's Honor's Reward series that I have listened to MANY times over the last 2 years from the audio track regarding judging someone's motives vs. judging a person's fruit:
There's a big difference between judging someone's fruit and judging somebody's motives. We are called to judge their fruit, not their motives.
Jesus said, "You will know them by their fruit." - Matthew 7:16
We are not supposed to judge motives. 1 Corinthians 4:5 - "So don’t make judgments about anyone ahead of time—before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due."
So, I can't judge someone's motives. I can only judge them by their fruits. What is it they are doing or aren't doing? How are they living? What comes out of their mouths? What are their actions?
I can ask the what questions. But, I need to get rid of my why questions when it comes to judging people. It's not for me to know their why's right now. God will reveal that later when he makes our darkest secrets come to light. He will reveal the private motives.
I will just trust that no matter the motive of the other person, that God is orchestrating my life.
Friday, June 3, 2011
What I Fear the Most Right Now
I'm just going to be real here. I have lost some of my readers - which is a good thing. I have wanted this blog to become more and more private, and God seems to have moved people along to their own busyness in life. So, I'm feeling more and more at ease to feel like I can be raw here again.
Today is Friday - AGAIN! As I stated before, I have come to really despise my Fridays at times. The boys are with their father, and I miss their constant "instrusions" in my life. The "Mama, can you get me something to drink?" and the "Mama, will you read to me or play with me?" or even the screams of laughter that come from yet someone else tormenting the cat AGAIN. I miss them.
But, I also miss companionship. It is the one thing I think I fear the most right now- I fear NOT having the companionship. I miss the companionship. I miss it!
I miss someone to share my day with. I miss someone to vent my frustrations to from my day. I miss someone to pick on or someone to pick on me. I miss someone to cuddle with for a movie or someone to share the evening meal with. I miss candlelit dinners and someone to parade around in front of in some lingerie. (side note - I heard again yet ANOTHER woman today "proudly" state she didn't wear lingerie for her husband anymore. She said, "I've been married 12 years. I don't do lingerie anymore. He's going to just take it off anyway. Why bother!" I wanted to smack her. Oh HONEY! I could definitely educate you on a few things! What a BORING marriage! Her poor husband.) At any rate, I miss someone's hand to hold. I miss someone's gentle kiss on my cheek and warm lips on mine. I miss the touch, the affection, the intimacy, the laugher, and the friendship. I miss it all. I even miss disagreeing on things and then making up afterwards. I miss the warm arms to hold me at night and someone to lay my head on his chest.
It seems so unfair. I tried so hard. I tried so hard!
My cry tonight is, "Why me, God? What did I do to deserve this? I tried so hard. I prayed, fasted, loved, accepted, and made SOOOO many sacrifices. I worked on being lovely, attractive, and fascinating. It just wasnt' good enough." It's just not fair!
Why was my marriage SOOOO hard? Why?
It's not supposed to be that hard! I KNOW this! Sure, there will be struggles in any marriage, but not like this.
Not like this!
I shake my head and sit pondering over it all. What! How! Why!
And then comes the "Will it always be this way? Will I always long for that companionship? For the laughter in the kitchen? For the cookie fights with flour, the playmate with the glass of cold ice water, and someone to zip up my dress?"
Well, God didn't put a desire in me for companionship, not KNOWING that my husband was going to leave me. God didn't put it in there, and say, "Well, you're just going to have to deal with it!" No, God gave me this desire. I have prayed and asked Him to remove it, but He continues to leave it.
In the meantime, I have my moments. I have moments of intense sadness and loneliness. I have moments of missing my companion and someone to cook for. I have moments of intense joy and freedom and dance around the kitchen like a crazy lady. And, I have moments where it's just me and God slow dancing in the kitchen. Beautiful moments, crazy moments, tender moments, and sad moments. I have my moments.
I'm so glad God did not come for me to be bound up in the sticky legalism of it all, but for me to be set free. His grace and mercy are great! I'm so glad I work for Him and not for some. Whew! He is a much easier boss, though He requires so much more from me.
Truly His grace IS sufficient EVEN in my moments!
Today is Friday - AGAIN! As I stated before, I have come to really despise my Fridays at times. The boys are with their father, and I miss their constant "instrusions" in my life. The "Mama, can you get me something to drink?" and the "Mama, will you read to me or play with me?" or even the screams of laughter that come from yet someone else tormenting the cat AGAIN. I miss them.
But, I also miss companionship. It is the one thing I think I fear the most right now- I fear NOT having the companionship. I miss the companionship. I miss it!
I miss someone to share my day with. I miss someone to vent my frustrations to from my day. I miss someone to pick on or someone to pick on me. I miss someone to cuddle with for a movie or someone to share the evening meal with. I miss candlelit dinners and someone to parade around in front of in some lingerie. (side note - I heard again yet ANOTHER woman today "proudly" state she didn't wear lingerie for her husband anymore. She said, "I've been married 12 years. I don't do lingerie anymore. He's going to just take it off anyway. Why bother!" I wanted to smack her. Oh HONEY! I could definitely educate you on a few things! What a BORING marriage! Her poor husband.) At any rate, I miss someone's hand to hold. I miss someone's gentle kiss on my cheek and warm lips on mine. I miss the touch, the affection, the intimacy, the laugher, and the friendship. I miss it all. I even miss disagreeing on things and then making up afterwards. I miss the warm arms to hold me at night and someone to lay my head on his chest.
It seems so unfair. I tried so hard. I tried so hard!
My cry tonight is, "Why me, God? What did I do to deserve this? I tried so hard. I prayed, fasted, loved, accepted, and made SOOOO many sacrifices. I worked on being lovely, attractive, and fascinating. It just wasnt' good enough." It's just not fair!
Why was my marriage SOOOO hard? Why?
It's not supposed to be that hard! I KNOW this! Sure, there will be struggles in any marriage, but not like this.
Not like this!
I shake my head and sit pondering over it all. What! How! Why!
And then comes the "Will it always be this way? Will I always long for that companionship? For the laughter in the kitchen? For the cookie fights with flour, the playmate with the glass of cold ice water, and someone to zip up my dress?"
Well, God didn't put a desire in me for companionship, not KNOWING that my husband was going to leave me. God didn't put it in there, and say, "Well, you're just going to have to deal with it!" No, God gave me this desire. I have prayed and asked Him to remove it, but He continues to leave it.
In the meantime, I have my moments. I have moments of intense sadness and loneliness. I have moments of missing my companion and someone to cook for. I have moments of intense joy and freedom and dance around the kitchen like a crazy lady. And, I have moments where it's just me and God slow dancing in the kitchen. Beautiful moments, crazy moments, tender moments, and sad moments. I have my moments.
I'm so glad God did not come for me to be bound up in the sticky legalism of it all, but for me to be set free. His grace and mercy are great! I'm so glad I work for Him and not for some. Whew! He is a much easier boss, though He requires so much more from me.
Truly His grace IS sufficient EVEN in my moments!
Friday, May 20, 2011
House versus People in the House
Why do so many Christians take more of an interest in saving the house, the union, the institution, rather than saving the people in the house, the union, or the institution? Since when did the union become more important than the people who are in the union? Why is it that way?
God isn't more interested in saving the house over saving the people in the house.
When we as Christians find it more important to save the marriage or the institution rather than saving the people in the marriage, we lose sight of where God's heart really lies. He sent His son to die for the person, not for the marriage. YES, the vows were made before God. But, how many people have broken their vows they have taken before God? I'd say EVERY married person has broken his or her vows at one time or another before God.
Has each married person honored their spouse as they said they would? Has each spouse loved their mate like they said they would? Have they done ALL those things they said they would do BEFORE God? NO! I think not!
So, hopefully, if those spouses are Christians, they repent and continue on in their marriages, striving to do better.
Well, I did repent for my flaws and faults in my marriage. I worked HARD to keep it together and to keep my marriage together. I prayed, loved, accepted, loved, submitted, loved, treasured, loved, honored, loved, kept quiet, loved, kept at peace, loved, and more. Yet, it wasn't enough. My marriage failed!
And now, it seems I'll be signing my final divorce papers next month. And, honestly (you might want to sit down for this), I'm wishing it were happening THIS month, not next month. I'm ready for the final step in all this to be taken.
For months, I've done whatever I felt God was asking me to do. I've walked every way, I felt Him lead me to walk - or at least I tried to do so anyway. I've listened, loved, obeyed, loved, been kind, loved, been strong, loved, learned to trust, loved, and learned to wait on and IN Him. And, now, I'm here at the end, and I hear God say, "D.'s leaving was a blessing to you. I blessed you with him leaving."
*Laughter* - I can hear some of my readers now say, "Oh my, that's blasphemy." But, I'm sorry dear readers, that's what God has told me. He even confirmed it to me through 3 different people, and one of the ladies who interpreted one of my dreams a couple weeks ago (and she didn't know me or about my situation) said, "This divorce is God's protection on you from D. It's more than financial protection. It's God's protection on you in a lot of areas."
So, this Sunday, I asked God to give me understanding. He had shown me His ways, and the WHAT that was going to happen (this came in January of this year), but I didn't understand all His ways for this, and I wanted to understand better.
He lead me to Jeremiah 8 -
8You keep saying, "We are wise,
because we have the teachings of the Lord."
But actually, those who explain the Scriptures
have written lies with their pens.
9 These wise teachers refused to listen to the word of the Lord,
so they are not really wise at all.
They will be ashamed.
They will be shocked and trapped.
10 So I will give their wives to other men
and their fields to new owners.
He took their wives and gave them to other men? GOD did this? What! Well, I had journaled about this in January, and God had had me write it down in my journal in January, but I never had had a scripture for it. AND, I never had read this scripture before or thought about it.
In my journal in January, God had me write, "I am going to strip D. of what he holds dear. I'm going to take his family and give it to someone else, and I'm going to take his possessions and other things he values from him. "
Now, when I wrote this, I cried out to God saying, "Oh God, please don't do this to him. Have mercy on him." And God replied back, "It's in my mercy that I'm going to do this. It's because I love him that I will do this. If I don't do this, he won't come back to me." And, I know it's in God's mercy that He is giving this to me too.
But, back in January, had I told someone what God had told me to write, I felt that they would "slam" me for it. I felt that they would put me down and say, "Well, THAT wasn't God. God wouldn't say that."
*Smile* But, I knew it WAS God at the time; I just couldn't explain it really well. Now, I feel more secure in what God told me and more secure in the destiny He has set before me.
There is more to tell on all this.
I KNOW now that I will no longer be married to D. after my papers are done. I do NOT believe that I have to be committed to him anymore, and that I CAN move on, should God lead me to someone else later. I do NOT believe that I am still "married" to D. after my papers are signed, and I KNOW that I do NOT have to stay unmarried after the papers are signed. *laughter* I can not even tell you how freeing this is to me.
Now, I'm not running around looking for anyone, and frankly, I am QUITE unavailable right now. But, I do not despair ever finding someone now. And, I do not despair having to living alone the rest of my life and living without a partner to share life, vision, God's will, missions, laughter, and more with. I do not despair.
I do not dread being single, but I do not dread meeting someone I might like to be with, and then having to think to myself, "Well, ya knoooooow, you're still married to D."
:) Nope - I don't despair that either!
*sigh*
God isn't more interested in saving the house over saving the people in the house.
When we as Christians find it more important to save the marriage or the institution rather than saving the people in the marriage, we lose sight of where God's heart really lies. He sent His son to die for the person, not for the marriage. YES, the vows were made before God. But, how many people have broken their vows they have taken before God? I'd say EVERY married person has broken his or her vows at one time or another before God.
Has each married person honored their spouse as they said they would? Has each spouse loved their mate like they said they would? Have they done ALL those things they said they would do BEFORE God? NO! I think not!
So, hopefully, if those spouses are Christians, they repent and continue on in their marriages, striving to do better.
Well, I did repent for my flaws and faults in my marriage. I worked HARD to keep it together and to keep my marriage together. I prayed, loved, accepted, loved, submitted, loved, treasured, loved, honored, loved, kept quiet, loved, kept at peace, loved, and more. Yet, it wasn't enough. My marriage failed!
And now, it seems I'll be signing my final divorce papers next month. And, honestly (you might want to sit down for this), I'm wishing it were happening THIS month, not next month. I'm ready for the final step in all this to be taken.
For months, I've done whatever I felt God was asking me to do. I've walked every way, I felt Him lead me to walk - or at least I tried to do so anyway. I've listened, loved, obeyed, loved, been kind, loved, been strong, loved, learned to trust, loved, and learned to wait on and IN Him. And, now, I'm here at the end, and I hear God say, "D.'s leaving was a blessing to you. I blessed you with him leaving."
*Laughter* - I can hear some of my readers now say, "Oh my, that's blasphemy." But, I'm sorry dear readers, that's what God has told me. He even confirmed it to me through 3 different people, and one of the ladies who interpreted one of my dreams a couple weeks ago (and she didn't know me or about my situation) said, "This divorce is God's protection on you from D. It's more than financial protection. It's God's protection on you in a lot of areas."
So, this Sunday, I asked God to give me understanding. He had shown me His ways, and the WHAT that was going to happen (this came in January of this year), but I didn't understand all His ways for this, and I wanted to understand better.
He lead me to Jeremiah 8 -
8You keep saying, "We are wise,
because we have the teachings of the Lord."
But actually, those who explain the Scriptures
have written lies with their pens.
9 These wise teachers refused to listen to the word of the Lord,
so they are not really wise at all.
They will be ashamed.
They will be shocked and trapped.
10 So I will give their wives to other men
and their fields to new owners.
He took their wives and gave them to other men? GOD did this? What! Well, I had journaled about this in January, and God had had me write it down in my journal in January, but I never had had a scripture for it. AND, I never had read this scripture before or thought about it.
In my journal in January, God had me write, "I am going to strip D. of what he holds dear. I'm going to take his family and give it to someone else, and I'm going to take his possessions and other things he values from him. "
Now, when I wrote this, I cried out to God saying, "Oh God, please don't do this to him. Have mercy on him." And God replied back, "It's in my mercy that I'm going to do this. It's because I love him that I will do this. If I don't do this, he won't come back to me." And, I know it's in God's mercy that He is giving this to me too.
But, back in January, had I told someone what God had told me to write, I felt that they would "slam" me for it. I felt that they would put me down and say, "Well, THAT wasn't God. God wouldn't say that."
*Smile* But, I knew it WAS God at the time; I just couldn't explain it really well. Now, I feel more secure in what God told me and more secure in the destiny He has set before me.
There is more to tell on all this.
I KNOW now that I will no longer be married to D. after my papers are done. I do NOT believe that I have to be committed to him anymore, and that I CAN move on, should God lead me to someone else later. I do NOT believe that I am still "married" to D. after my papers are signed, and I KNOW that I do NOT have to stay unmarried after the papers are signed. *laughter* I can not even tell you how freeing this is to me.
Now, I'm not running around looking for anyone, and frankly, I am QUITE unavailable right now. But, I do not despair ever finding someone now. And, I do not despair having to living alone the rest of my life and living without a partner to share life, vision, God's will, missions, laughter, and more with. I do not despair.
I do not dread being single, but I do not dread meeting someone I might like to be with, and then having to think to myself, "Well, ya knoooooow, you're still married to D."
:) Nope - I don't despair that either!
*sigh*
Blogging - I don't feel like it
I really don't feel like blogging much these days. I mean, I have a LOT to say, but for whatever reason, I just don't feel like writing it anymore here.
Maybe it's the loss of my friend for now (though I know that will be there again).
Maybe it's that so much is going on, that I don't know where to even begin.
Maybe it's because God has told me SOOOO very much and confirmed so much that I just can't even explain how awesome God has been to me and how great and deep my life and love for Him are.
And, maybe it's just because frankly, as a single mom right now in this busy season of ending the school year, that I just don't want to find the time to blog about it.
But, whatever the reason, it remains - I don't feel like blogging on it.
I know I'll get back to it, but I'm finding that I'll have to be even more careful about what I say here, and God is telling me that I'll have to be more guarded in my words.
As of today, my other blog is now set to private, and I might be setting this one to private too soon. Who knows. I'm still praying about it and asking God what I should do.
Either way, I'll keep writing. writing. writing. writing. writing. writing. writing. writing. .......
Maybe it's the loss of my friend for now (though I know that will be there again).
Maybe it's that so much is going on, that I don't know where to even begin.
Maybe it's because God has told me SOOOO very much and confirmed so much that I just can't even explain how awesome God has been to me and how great and deep my life and love for Him are.
And, maybe it's just because frankly, as a single mom right now in this busy season of ending the school year, that I just don't want to find the time to blog about it.
But, whatever the reason, it remains - I don't feel like blogging on it.
I know I'll get back to it, but I'm finding that I'll have to be even more careful about what I say here, and God is telling me that I'll have to be more guarded in my words.
As of today, my other blog is now set to private, and I might be setting this one to private too soon. Who knows. I'm still praying about it and asking God what I should do.
Either way, I'll keep writing. writing. writing. writing. writing. writing. writing. writing. .......
Friday, May 13, 2011
Update on Things Here
I know some of you are wondering how things are going and where are we with everything. So, I'll take a moment to update you on things.
The paperwork for my divorce was filed in March. In fact, the day I knew it would be filed was the day I started my 40 day fast. I could NOT not fast during this.
Presently, my and D.'s lawyers are working out all the technicalities of everything (I think). Final papers are supposed to be signed next month - sometimes around the middle of the month.
God has kept His hand on me in all this. He has given me wisdom, sent me friends to help me, and surrounded me with people to encourage me and support me in this journey.
Prophetic words have been given (all lining up with one another), and even two dreams were given to me, and interpreted by someone within a week of the dreams given. That in itself was an amazing experience that I'll write about later.
I know this divorce will go through, but then I knew it would go through back in January - God had told me it would go through. I fought it then in my spirit, and my heart cried out against it. But, now I am at peace with it.
I know some might not understand, but I'm truly at such a peace in this. I am content to rest in Him, and I do not cry out against this divorce anymore. I am just surrendered to whatever God wants to do. I live for Him.
I don't live my life for anyone but Him. Before, I lived with the fear of what others would think. I lived with the fear of what some would say about me being a divorced woman in the ministry. I lived with the fear that others DID judge me and said I had given up on my marriage. But, I know that is not true. I did not give up. I DID let go when God asked me to do so though.
Should D. get his life together, and come back to God, I would work to reconcile. But, I will not pray for reconciliation or even desire it right now. I do not.
I wish my picture could turn out differently as some have. Yet, at the same time, I like the picture that God has set before me of what's ahead. It is good. He has good in store. He has assured me that He will take care of me and the boys no matter the poor decisions of others. And, He has shown me time and time and time and time again that HE is my provider, and that HE gives favor along with grace for the journey.
My mother and I were talking about this just recently. She said something I hadn't thought about. She said something along the lines of, "Isn't it interesting that it wasn't God's perfect plan for King David to have all his wives, and it wasn't God's perfect plan for King Solomon to have all his wives. Yet, David was a man after God's own heart. AND, God used King David and King Solomon in such a mighty way - to WRITE the Psalms and Song of Solomon and even possibly Ecclesiastes."
Two of my heart cries since I was a LITTLE girls was "Oh God, may I be a girl/woman after your own heart, and God make me wise like Solomon - as wise as him, if you so please to do that."
And, most of my life, I've been told by others, "You have such a passion for God. God has such an anointing on you. You have such a heart for God. The wisdom He has given you is way beyond your years."
Now, I don't ride on the talk of others, but I do KNOW that I strive to do God's will EVERY day of my life. I seek to KNOW Him more and do what HE would have me do. AND, I pray for wisdom, which I KNOW He gives! His very Word says He gives it to those who ask.
I know I have found favor with Him, and that I am pleasing in His sight. I know this wasn't His perfect plan - this divorce that I'm about to finish up. But, it IS in His plan. And, He will use it for His glory.
So, while I'm waiting.... Well, listen to the song below - It speaks what my heart beats now!
That's about it for now. There is more to write, and I WILL get to it. But, I have written all I'm supposed to tell for now. You'll just have to wait for the rest of the story to come later.
Be blessed,
TJ
The paperwork for my divorce was filed in March. In fact, the day I knew it would be filed was the day I started my 40 day fast. I could NOT not fast during this.
Presently, my and D.'s lawyers are working out all the technicalities of everything (I think). Final papers are supposed to be signed next month - sometimes around the middle of the month.
God has kept His hand on me in all this. He has given me wisdom, sent me friends to help me, and surrounded me with people to encourage me and support me in this journey.
Prophetic words have been given (all lining up with one another), and even two dreams were given to me, and interpreted by someone within a week of the dreams given. That in itself was an amazing experience that I'll write about later.
I know this divorce will go through, but then I knew it would go through back in January - God had told me it would go through. I fought it then in my spirit, and my heart cried out against it. But, now I am at peace with it.
I know some might not understand, but I'm truly at such a peace in this. I am content to rest in Him, and I do not cry out against this divorce anymore. I am just surrendered to whatever God wants to do. I live for Him.
I don't live my life for anyone but Him. Before, I lived with the fear of what others would think. I lived with the fear of what some would say about me being a divorced woman in the ministry. I lived with the fear that others DID judge me and said I had given up on my marriage. But, I know that is not true. I did not give up. I DID let go when God asked me to do so though.
Should D. get his life together, and come back to God, I would work to reconcile. But, I will not pray for reconciliation or even desire it right now. I do not.
I wish my picture could turn out differently as some have. Yet, at the same time, I like the picture that God has set before me of what's ahead. It is good. He has good in store. He has assured me that He will take care of me and the boys no matter the poor decisions of others. And, He has shown me time and time and time and time again that HE is my provider, and that HE gives favor along with grace for the journey.
My mother and I were talking about this just recently. She said something I hadn't thought about. She said something along the lines of, "Isn't it interesting that it wasn't God's perfect plan for King David to have all his wives, and it wasn't God's perfect plan for King Solomon to have all his wives. Yet, David was a man after God's own heart. AND, God used King David and King Solomon in such a mighty way - to WRITE the Psalms and Song of Solomon and even possibly Ecclesiastes."
Two of my heart cries since I was a LITTLE girls was "Oh God, may I be a girl/woman after your own heart, and God make me wise like Solomon - as wise as him, if you so please to do that."
And, most of my life, I've been told by others, "You have such a passion for God. God has such an anointing on you. You have such a heart for God. The wisdom He has given you is way beyond your years."
Now, I don't ride on the talk of others, but I do KNOW that I strive to do God's will EVERY day of my life. I seek to KNOW Him more and do what HE would have me do. AND, I pray for wisdom, which I KNOW He gives! His very Word says He gives it to those who ask.
I know I have found favor with Him, and that I am pleasing in His sight. I know this wasn't His perfect plan - this divorce that I'm about to finish up. But, it IS in His plan. And, He will use it for His glory.
So, while I'm waiting.... Well, listen to the song below - It speaks what my heart beats now!
That's about it for now. There is more to write, and I WILL get to it. But, I have written all I'm supposed to tell for now. You'll just have to wait for the rest of the story to come later.
Be blessed,
TJ
End of the fast - Day 40 and Beyond
Technically, my fast ended last Friday, but due to what God had asked me to do, I continued on in what he asked me to give up and am pressing on.
After giving up wishes and desires and laying my wants on the altar, I found that an amazing window of heaven opened up to me, and the window of blessings and enlightenment have been amazing.
I don't think I'm supposed to share all that I've seen and been shown here, but as the days go by, I will be sharing more and more of what is continuing to do in my life.
I can tell you that He is amazing! His love and grace is impossible to grasp. We just try to do so. The little bit that I CAN grasp leaves me in awe. Why me? But, God says, "You were worth it. Because I love you."
He IS the Potter! He makes the plans! His ways are perfect!
So, I stand at the end of this 40 days and thank Him for all He is and all He has become to me. Thank you, Lord! Thank you, for revealing yourself to me (even just the little bit that I grasp). I stand in awe!
After giving up wishes and desires and laying my wants on the altar, I found that an amazing window of heaven opened up to me, and the window of blessings and enlightenment have been amazing.
I don't think I'm supposed to share all that I've seen and been shown here, but as the days go by, I will be sharing more and more of what is continuing to do in my life.
I can tell you that He is amazing! His love and grace is impossible to grasp. We just try to do so. The little bit that I CAN grasp leaves me in awe. Why me? But, God says, "You were worth it. Because I love you."
He IS the Potter! He makes the plans! His ways are perfect!
So, I stand at the end of this 40 days and thank Him for all He is and all He has become to me. Thank you, Lord! Thank you, for revealing yourself to me (even just the little bit that I grasp). I stand in awe!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Day Thirty Eight - Exhausted
It's been a busy past 3 days, and I'm sorry I haven't kept on top of this those days. It has been rather emotional, but good.
And, as much as I'd like write tonight and tell you all about it, I'll keep it to myself for now. I have soooo very tired. I am wondering how I'm going to keep up with all I have to do. I do not know how. Only God!
So, I'm headed to bed, after I read the kids a book and pray with them.
Blessings to you,
T.
And, as much as I'd like write tonight and tell you all about it, I'll keep it to myself for now. I have soooo very tired. I am wondering how I'm going to keep up with all I have to do. I do not know how. Only God!
So, I'm headed to bed, after I read the kids a book and pray with them.
Blessings to you,
T.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Day Thirty Four - Finally Some Peace
Anxiety
A Friend's Encouragement
After we got on the road, I called my friend J. to get her to pray with me, for I truly felt like I couldn't breath and that I was going to lose it. She answered right away (thank God for that), and then listened as I told her quickly what I was experiencing, and then asked her to pray for me. She said that she would pray, but that she wanted to tell me something first.
What she told me was what God had already told me earlier today, when I first began expereincing the severe anxiety. She said that since December, that other things and people in my life and had been numbing the pain of this divorce and all that it brought with it. I had been leaning on someone else as a crutch to get through this, and now that that person was removed from my inner circle, that I was feeling the effects of it all coming down on me. And, though it seemed like the world was crashing down on me, it really wasn't. And, I WAS going to get through this. God has been and WAS going to bless me for my obedience, and I be blown away by what He was going to do in and with my life.
Then she prayed for me. She prayed that God would give me peace - sustaining peace.
Have you ever known anyone who had an anxiety attack? Have you ever had one? Well, I can tell you, it can be one of the most terrifying experiences you could ever have.
The First Time
Only twice in my life have I ever experienced one. My first was when I changed birth control pills early in my marriage (before I knew that birth control was bad for women AND actually caused many early "abortions"). I swapped pills, because the brand I had been taking had been discontinued, so I moved to something else. In just a day, I remember that my world seemed to close in on me, and I felt like everything was coming crashing down around me.
The First Time
Only twice in my life have I ever experienced one. My first was when I changed birth control pills early in my marriage (before I knew that birth control was bad for women AND actually caused many early "abortions"). I swapped pills, because the brand I had been taking had been discontinued, so I moved to something else. In just a day, I remember that my world seemed to close in on me, and I felt like everything was coming crashing down around me.
I didn't understand what was happening at the time, and I remember that D. didn't understand me either. He just got very frustrated with me as I sat and cried in the middle of our living room. *Remember that I'm not a huge crier, so my tears were a surprise to him. He didn't know how to handle it or what to do with it, so he just got angry with me and told me to get it together.
Not knowing what to do, I called my mother, who asked me several questions, and then she wisely told me to stop taking the birth control pills and go crawl in bed and wrap up. I did just that, and within a few hours I was fine. And, I've never had one since then - until today.
Not knowing what to do, I called my mother, who asked me several questions, and then she wisely told me to stop taking the birth control pills and go crawl in bed and wrap up. I did just that, and within a few hours I was fine. And, I've never had one since then - until today.
The Second Time
Well, I almost had one today. I knew it was coming, and knew what it was - I prayed diligently against it. In fact, I've been praying most of the day. I've spent TONS of time in prayer today. But, the anxiety was there anyway. Anxiety over what once was and what was not going to be. Anxiety over a friendship lost, and over thinking that I was going to have to walk the rest of this road by myself. Anxiety over losing something special, and anxiety over someone being upset with me. Anxiety over not being able to get everything done that needs to be done, and anxiety over having more on my plate than I felt I could handle. Tons of anxiety.
Well, I almost had one today. I knew it was coming, and knew what it was - I prayed diligently against it. In fact, I've been praying most of the day. I've spent TONS of time in prayer today. But, the anxiety was there anyway. Anxiety over what once was and what was not going to be. Anxiety over a friendship lost, and over thinking that I was going to have to walk the rest of this road by myself. Anxiety over losing something special, and anxiety over someone being upset with me. Anxiety over not being able to get everything done that needs to be done, and anxiety over having more on my plate than I felt I could handle. Tons of anxiety.
Now, we all know that anxiety isn't from God - but there are times it still comes. And, today was one of those days.
I didn't have an all out full blown anxiety attack or anything, but I knew that it was coming. So, praying about it, asking God for wisdom and some SERIOUS help here, and then taking many DEEP breaths, I decided to grab the boys and get out of the house. Keys in hand, I quickly grabbed some money and my purse, and ushered the boys to the car.
I didn't have an all out full blown anxiety attack or anything, but I knew that it was coming. So, praying about it, asking God for wisdom and some SERIOUS help here, and then taking many DEEP breaths, I decided to grab the boys and get out of the house. Keys in hand, I quickly grabbed some money and my purse, and ushered the boys to the car.
A Friend's Encouragement
After we got on the road, I called my friend J. to get her to pray with me, for I truly felt like I couldn't breath and that I was going to lose it. She answered right away (thank God for that), and then listened as I told her quickly what I was experiencing, and then asked her to pray for me. She said that she would pray, but that she wanted to tell me something first.
What she told me was what God had already told me earlier today, when I first began expereincing the severe anxiety. She said that since December, that other things and people in my life and had been numbing the pain of this divorce and all that it brought with it. I had been leaning on someone else as a crutch to get through this, and now that that person was removed from my inner circle, that I was feeling the effects of it all coming down on me. And, though it seemed like the world was crashing down on me, it really wasn't. And, I WAS going to get through this. God has been and WAS going to bless me for my obedience, and I be blown away by what He was going to do in and with my life.
Then she prayed for me. She prayed that God would give me peace - sustaining peace.
Since our talk, and her prayer, I have felt it - peace, that is. It is almost as if a HUGE burden has been lifted. I have done my part. I have given my all - all that I know to give. And, I have done as I was asked. My heart serves Him cheerfully, though it hurts at times. But, the burden of the loss has been lifted.
Even tonight, as I walked in Lowe's to get yet more supplies for this bunk bed project, I felt so much freer. I know that it will get easier in the days to come. I am on the downward slope now. I know that. And, I look forward to what HE has for me tomorrow.
Day Thirty Three - Just being Raw Here
Today - Day Thirty Three
Wow! It has been an amazing journey - one filled with MUCH pain and cleansing, yet such insight into things. So much revelation and the goodness of God.
Today was another HARD day for me. Yet, God was so faithful and blessed me with much encouragement.
Morning - A Beautiful Wedding
It started with me being able to watch the beautiful wedding of Prince William and Princess Kate. My friend S. posted on her Facebook, "Today a commoner becomes royalty...the story of every Christ follower." Wow, what a powerful analogy of what we become when we become children of Almighty Most High God and King, when we give Him our lives and make Him Lord of them. I am royalty!
The boys woke a little later than normal, but they joined me in the big overstuffed leather recliner in the living room to finish watching the rest of the wedding procession and watch for the sweet kiss between the royal couple. Caleb was so sweet in looking for the kiss, and then he wanted to practice it afterwards. :) I told him "no," but that he could practice it all he wanted to when he got married one day.
Noon Time - Power Talk with Gail
Next came a powerfully anointed meeting with Gail Ross of Testimonies of Triumph. I was so blessed to be able to sit and talk with her and glean from just her knowledge and her walk with the Lord. What an honor!
We talked about D. and where things were with him. She said she could sense such a strength, and she was in awe of what I had walked through and the obedience to God that I had lived in the last 11 years (11 years next Friday, in fact).
I told her that I felt strongly that I would be writing a book one day, but I didn't know yet where I'd start with it, and that a friend of mine who flows in the prophetic even told me that she saw me writing books one day. Gail said, "yes, but I don't just see one book for you. I see a series of healing books that you're going to be writing." A series? Personally, I'd just like to see the one book get finished first. :)
Next we talked about where everything is with the divorce and some of what D has been doing and been involved in.
She told me, "I have to be careful when I say this, but I have to tell you something that my husband told me right before I came here."
She said, "My husband walked me out to the car, and as I was about to leave, he said, 'You're going to tell her to move on, aren't you?'"
She said, "What? What does that mean? Why would I tell her that?"
He replied, "I don't know. I just hear in me that she is supposed to 'move on.'"
"Thank you, God." I thought as I sat there.
I praised Him right then for the Word that so lined up with what I was hearing from him in my heart.
Now - for some of you who think this is blasphemous and soooo contrary to what God would say, this is what I have to say, "I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry for you. So much so, that words can not even express how sorry I am for you. I AM walking in the freedom of what called has called me to be. I have tried to obey in EVERY instance that He has called me to obedience, and I seek to please Him in EVERY area of my life. I have had confirmation from Him on this divorce time and time again. I have a great peace in knowing that I am obeying Him and living for Him. I rest in the knowledge that HE has my back, and it is to HIM I will answer to some day. And we'll leave it at that."
Moving On
I do not believe that moving on means for me to move on to another guy, or for me to be open to possibly getting married again. But, I DO believe that moving on means that I am supposed to get on with my life without D in it. I DO believe that I am not supposed to sit and wallow in self pity, and I do believe that part of that "move on" message was about my friend too. It was about me moving on from a special friendship that was severed on Wednesday.
I'm not sure exactly where God would have me do the moving on to, but I do believe that He will tell me when and where to move. He directs my paths and speaks to me as to what, where, and who. I'm just here as His willing vessel. As Samuel said, "Speak Lord, You're servant is listening." - 1 Samuel 3:7-10
Afternoon - More Grief , but Healing Comes
While cleaning and working yesterday afternoon, the grief over the loss of my friendship hit me once again. So much so that it sent me to my knees. I literally laid over my couch and wept giant tears, in pain over this loss. I cried out to God saying, "What you have asked of me is too hard. It is too much for me to bear. I can not do this. Oh God, please do not do this. You have asked too much of me."
I lay and wept for some time, and then God spoke and said, "Call your friend S." What? My reply was, "Well, God, you know she's busy, and she's got things to do. She has family time right now. She doesn't want to hear from me right now."
And God responded, "Call her."
So, I did.
How wonderful that she picked up her phone on one of the first few rings. I was just going to leave her a message, but she picked up! Relief and joy flooded my spirit. I KNEW God was going to give me help here.
So, we chatted for a bit about her pregnancy and some things that were going on with her. Then, I told her some of the things I was dealing with (no names listed), and told her that I was really struggling here. I HAD given up what God had told me to give up, but it was hard. Very hard today.
She was so sweet and said, "If God wants you to have it back later, He'll give it back to you. But, sometimes God doesn't even want us to have it back. Sometimes, He helps us get through it, and then we look back later and wonder, 'Why did I even think I needed that in the first place? I didn't need that at all. What was I thinking?'"
Wow - I hadn't thought of it like that, really.
I told her a little bit about my friend's negative response to it all, and S. said, "Well, that just goes to show you the maturity level of your friend and where they are in their walk with God."
*Eye opener* - She was so right - in so many ways, I could not even tell her. Ay yi yi! *Mouth shut here, because I don't want to offend.*
But, truly S. was and is right. My friend's Christian maturity isn't "there" yet. It is getting there, but has such a ways to go.
And S.'s words of truth and insight were so good and brought more healing to me.
Evening - Time at the Ladies' Bible Study
Now, just because brought insight that afternoon, does not mean that there aren't painful times later that don't come. There are more painful times to come. Even on the way to the Bible study, I cried some more. (Truly, I have cried more over this stupid thing, than I have over ANYTHING in years!) CRAZINESS! But, it has brought me so much closer to God. It has caused me to cling to Him and to earnestly yield to Him - even though it can be painful. I have come to see that I CAN obey, and I have greater confidence of WHO God is in me. I have great confidence of Him in me!
I DID manage to cry my way most of the way to the Bible study. But, I know it's just part of the process of cleansing and surrendering to Him. Again, I told God that this was too hard for me, and that He wasn't playing fair (yes, I was acting like a spoiled brat. But, I was having a moment). But, God again reminded me that He had my back, and as I continued to surrender this to Him that He would bless me and give me my heart's desires - and that I would see amazing breakthroughs in my life.
He also brought back to mind my sweet friend S.'s words of truth. Revelation! Thank you Lord, for Revelation!
The Bible Study was amazing and anointed. God used me and my testimony to bless other ladies there. And, I'm honored that He would do such. I am TRULY honored to be His servant.
We prayed for D. again while there. We prayed that D. would surrender to God and come back to Him quickly, and that God would move in His life. We prayed earnestly for his soul and that God would have mercy on him.
I'm honored to know these ladies, and was so blessed by their prayers for me. What a blessing to be able to encourage each other in the Lord.
Well, that's all for now on my day!
Until tomorrow!
Wow! It has been an amazing journey - one filled with MUCH pain and cleansing, yet such insight into things. So much revelation and the goodness of God.
Today was another HARD day for me. Yet, God was so faithful and blessed me with much encouragement.
Morning - A Beautiful Wedding
It started with me being able to watch the beautiful wedding of Prince William and Princess Kate. My friend S. posted on her Facebook, "Today a commoner becomes royalty...the story of every Christ follower." Wow, what a powerful analogy of what we become when we become children of Almighty Most High God and King, when we give Him our lives and make Him Lord of them. I am royalty!
The boys woke a little later than normal, but they joined me in the big overstuffed leather recliner in the living room to finish watching the rest of the wedding procession and watch for the sweet kiss between the royal couple. Caleb was so sweet in looking for the kiss, and then he wanted to practice it afterwards. :) I told him "no," but that he could practice it all he wanted to when he got married one day.
Noon Time - Power Talk with Gail
Next came a powerfully anointed meeting with Gail Ross of Testimonies of Triumph. I was so blessed to be able to sit and talk with her and glean from just her knowledge and her walk with the Lord. What an honor!
We talked about D. and where things were with him. She said she could sense such a strength, and she was in awe of what I had walked through and the obedience to God that I had lived in the last 11 years (11 years next Friday, in fact).
I told her that I felt strongly that I would be writing a book one day, but I didn't know yet where I'd start with it, and that a friend of mine who flows in the prophetic even told me that she saw me writing books one day. Gail said, "yes, but I don't just see one book for you. I see a series of healing books that you're going to be writing." A series? Personally, I'd just like to see the one book get finished first. :)
Next we talked about where everything is with the divorce and some of what D has been doing and been involved in.
She told me, "I have to be careful when I say this, but I have to tell you something that my husband told me right before I came here."
She said, "My husband walked me out to the car, and as I was about to leave, he said, 'You're going to tell her to move on, aren't you?'"
She said, "What? What does that mean? Why would I tell her that?"
He replied, "I don't know. I just hear in me that she is supposed to 'move on.'"
"Thank you, God." I thought as I sat there.
I praised Him right then for the Word that so lined up with what I was hearing from him in my heart.
Now - for some of you who think this is blasphemous and soooo contrary to what God would say, this is what I have to say, "I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry for you. So much so, that words can not even express how sorry I am for you. I AM walking in the freedom of what called has called me to be. I have tried to obey in EVERY instance that He has called me to obedience, and I seek to please Him in EVERY area of my life. I have had confirmation from Him on this divorce time and time again. I have a great peace in knowing that I am obeying Him and living for Him. I rest in the knowledge that HE has my back, and it is to HIM I will answer to some day. And we'll leave it at that."
Moving On
I do not believe that moving on means for me to move on to another guy, or for me to be open to possibly getting married again. But, I DO believe that moving on means that I am supposed to get on with my life without D in it. I DO believe that I am not supposed to sit and wallow in self pity, and I do believe that part of that "move on" message was about my friend too. It was about me moving on from a special friendship that was severed on Wednesday.
I'm not sure exactly where God would have me do the moving on to, but I do believe that He will tell me when and where to move. He directs my paths and speaks to me as to what, where, and who. I'm just here as His willing vessel. As Samuel said, "Speak Lord, You're servant is listening." - 1 Samuel 3:7-10
Afternoon - More Grief , but Healing Comes
While cleaning and working yesterday afternoon, the grief over the loss of my friendship hit me once again. So much so that it sent me to my knees. I literally laid over my couch and wept giant tears, in pain over this loss. I cried out to God saying, "What you have asked of me is too hard. It is too much for me to bear. I can not do this. Oh God, please do not do this. You have asked too much of me."
I lay and wept for some time, and then God spoke and said, "Call your friend S." What? My reply was, "Well, God, you know she's busy, and she's got things to do. She has family time right now. She doesn't want to hear from me right now."
And God responded, "Call her."
So, I did.
How wonderful that she picked up her phone on one of the first few rings. I was just going to leave her a message, but she picked up! Relief and joy flooded my spirit. I KNEW God was going to give me help here.
So, we chatted for a bit about her pregnancy and some things that were going on with her. Then, I told her some of the things I was dealing with (no names listed), and told her that I was really struggling here. I HAD given up what God had told me to give up, but it was hard. Very hard today.
She was so sweet and said, "If God wants you to have it back later, He'll give it back to you. But, sometimes God doesn't even want us to have it back. Sometimes, He helps us get through it, and then we look back later and wonder, 'Why did I even think I needed that in the first place? I didn't need that at all. What was I thinking?'"
Wow - I hadn't thought of it like that, really.
I told her a little bit about my friend's negative response to it all, and S. said, "Well, that just goes to show you the maturity level of your friend and where they are in their walk with God."
*Eye opener* - She was so right - in so many ways, I could not even tell her. Ay yi yi! *Mouth shut here, because I don't want to offend.*
But, truly S. was and is right. My friend's Christian maturity isn't "there" yet. It is getting there, but has such a ways to go.
And S.'s words of truth and insight were so good and brought more healing to me.
Evening - Time at the Ladies' Bible Study
Now, just because brought insight that afternoon, does not mean that there aren't painful times later that don't come. There are more painful times to come. Even on the way to the Bible study, I cried some more. (Truly, I have cried more over this stupid thing, than I have over ANYTHING in years!) CRAZINESS! But, it has brought me so much closer to God. It has caused me to cling to Him and to earnestly yield to Him - even though it can be painful. I have come to see that I CAN obey, and I have greater confidence of WHO God is in me. I have great confidence of Him in me!
I DID manage to cry my way most of the way to the Bible study. But, I know it's just part of the process of cleansing and surrendering to Him. Again, I told God that this was too hard for me, and that He wasn't playing fair (yes, I was acting like a spoiled brat. But, I was having a moment). But, God again reminded me that He had my back, and as I continued to surrender this to Him that He would bless me and give me my heart's desires - and that I would see amazing breakthroughs in my life.
He also brought back to mind my sweet friend S.'s words of truth. Revelation! Thank you Lord, for Revelation!
The Bible Study was amazing and anointed. God used me and my testimony to bless other ladies there. And, I'm honored that He would do such. I am TRULY honored to be His servant.
We prayed for D. again while there. We prayed that D. would surrender to God and come back to Him quickly, and that God would move in His life. We prayed earnestly for his soul and that God would have mercy on him.
I'm honored to know these ladies, and was so blessed by their prayers for me. What a blessing to be able to encourage each other in the Lord.
Well, that's all for now on my day!
Until tomorrow!
Day Thirty Two - The end of a Friendship
I'm going to make this one short, since I'm catching up on the back log of the last few days.
I did what God asked me to do in giving up a special friend of mine, and through some hurt feelings on my friend's part and some words that were hard for me to hear - it appears that our friendship is over. Which is a good thing, and I know that it is what God wanted. For He asked me to end it, and so it is done.
My friend does not understand it right now, but God has greater things in store. TRULY greater things. I KNOW this!
The sacrifice was hard. While it has been painful - VERY painful - I feel a freedom in it. I feel released and ready to move forward to the goodness of what God has ahead.
On Thursday (Day Thirty Two), though it was hard, there was peace. And, I'm very thankful to my God for it.
I did what God asked me to do in giving up a special friend of mine, and through some hurt feelings on my friend's part and some words that were hard for me to hear - it appears that our friendship is over. Which is a good thing, and I know that it is what God wanted. For He asked me to end it, and so it is done.
My friend does not understand it right now, but God has greater things in store. TRULY greater things. I KNOW this!
The sacrifice was hard. While it has been painful - VERY painful - I feel a freedom in it. I feel released and ready to move forward to the goodness of what God has ahead.
On Thursday (Day Thirty Two), though it was hard, there was peace. And, I'm very thankful to my God for it.
Psalm 119:165-168
165. Those who love your instructions have great peace
and do not stumble.
166. I long for your rescue, Lord,
so I have obeyed your commands.
167. I have obeyed your laws,
for I love them very much.
168. Yes, I obey your commandments and laws
because you know everything I do.
And, I DO have peace, knowing that HE holds my all my tomorrows in His hand. My destiny is set, and I'm excited to see what HE has ahead of me.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Day Thirty One - A Fresh Word - Give it Up
A new Word - fresh Word today, given by a sweet friend of mine. I felt the presence of God so thick as she spoke and prayed, that I broke down and cried (something I do only on rare occassions). But, God's voice and His Glory was made so manifest, that I could not stop my tears, that fell in a torrential downpour. I was overcome with the ripping being done in my heart and of all that God was doing in me as I sat in the middle of my floor and listened to Him. Listened to His truth, and submitted to Him once again.
This is what God spoke through her to me
"Give it up. Give him up. If I have him in My plans for you, then he won't be kept from you. If I don't, then he was never yours to begin with. Now is not the time. The door is there, but you can't open it until you give him up. On the other side is beauty and many blessings. But, you have to let him go. You can't hold on to him, if you want my best and my blessings. Great will be your reward.
This is your "Isaac Sacrifice." I will give him back to you, if he is my best for you. Nothing can keep my best from you. Everything that comes into your life, whether good or bad, passes before my eyes. Nothing comes into your life without my approval first. Nothing and no one touches you without my approval. Trust in me and lean on me. I AM going to pour out my blessings on you - greater than you can even imagine. Give him up."
So, today I laid him back on the altar again. I thought this 40 days was all God would ask of me, but He is asking more from me. He is asking me to give him up - for what time period, I can not tell you.
Today was a ripping and tearing of my heart, that began 31 days ago - but today was the day of a breakage, that I was not expecting. I was not expecting God to say this at all. Yet, here it is. And, I am at peace. I am at such a peace.
God does and WILL work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I trust in Him and have hope that this will not last forever. I have hope that tomorrow will come and that today is a day of new beginnings.
How my God does love me and wants good things for me and His people. But, we can not hold onto things that aren't ours. We have to wait on His timing.
Where I once walked in fear of being asked something that was too hard for me- God says not to fear. IF He has it for me, then it will be. His will is good, and His mercy is new every morning. I rejoice in knowing that He holds me in His hands.
So, today, I gave him up.
Until tomorrow,
This is what God spoke through her to me
"Give it up. Give him up. If I have him in My plans for you, then he won't be kept from you. If I don't, then he was never yours to begin with. Now is not the time. The door is there, but you can't open it until you give him up. On the other side is beauty and many blessings. But, you have to let him go. You can't hold on to him, if you want my best and my blessings. Great will be your reward.
This is your "Isaac Sacrifice." I will give him back to you, if he is my best for you. Nothing can keep my best from you. Everything that comes into your life, whether good or bad, passes before my eyes. Nothing comes into your life without my approval first. Nothing and no one touches you without my approval. Trust in me and lean on me. I AM going to pour out my blessings on you - greater than you can even imagine. Give him up."
So, today I laid him back on the altar again. I thought this 40 days was all God would ask of me, but He is asking more from me. He is asking me to give him up - for what time period, I can not tell you.
Today was a ripping and tearing of my heart, that began 31 days ago - but today was the day of a breakage, that I was not expecting. I was not expecting God to say this at all. Yet, here it is. And, I am at peace. I am at such a peace.
God does and WILL work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I trust in Him and have hope that this will not last forever. I have hope that tomorrow will come and that today is a day of new beginnings.
How my God does love me and wants good things for me and His people. But, we can not hold onto things that aren't ours. We have to wait on His timing.
Where I once walked in fear of being asked something that was too hard for me- God says not to fear. IF He has it for me, then it will be. His will is good, and His mercy is new every morning. I rejoice in knowing that He holds me in His hands.
So, today, I gave him up.
Until tomorrow,
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