Today - Day Thirty Three
Wow! It has been an amazing journey - one filled with MUCH pain and cleansing, yet such insight into things. So much revelation and the goodness of God.
Today was another HARD day for me. Yet, God was so faithful and blessed me with much encouragement.
Morning - A Beautiful Wedding
It started with me being able to watch the beautiful wedding of Prince William and Princess Kate. My friend S. posted on her Facebook, "Today a commoner becomes royalty...the story of every Christ follower." Wow, what a powerful analogy of what we become when we become children of Almighty Most High God and King, when we give Him our lives and make Him Lord of them. I am royalty!
The boys woke a little later than normal, but they joined me in the big overstuffed leather recliner in the living room to finish watching the rest of the wedding procession and watch for the sweet kiss between the royal couple. Caleb was so sweet in looking for the kiss, and then he wanted to practice it afterwards. :) I told him "no," but that he could practice it all he wanted to when he got married one day.
Noon Time - Power Talk with Gail
Next came a powerfully anointed meeting with Gail Ross of Testimonies of Triumph. I was so blessed to be able to sit and talk with her and glean from just her knowledge and her walk with the Lord. What an honor!
We talked about D. and where things were with him. She said she could sense such a strength, and she was in awe of what I had walked through and the obedience to God that I had lived in the last 11 years (11 years next Friday, in fact).
I told her that I felt strongly that I would be writing a book one day, but I didn't know yet where I'd start with it, and that a friend of mine who flows in the prophetic even told me that she saw me writing books one day. Gail said, "yes, but I don't just see one book for you. I see a series of healing books that you're going to be writing." A series? Personally, I'd just like to see the one book get finished first. :)
Next we talked about where everything is with the divorce and some of what D has been doing and been involved in.
She told me, "I have to be careful when I say this, but I have to tell you something that my husband told me right before I came here."
She said, "My husband walked me out to the car, and as I was about to leave, he said, 'You're going to tell her to move on, aren't you?'"
She said, "What? What does that mean? Why would I tell her that?"
He replied, "I don't know. I just hear in me that she is supposed to 'move on.'"
"Thank you, God." I thought as I sat there.
I praised Him right then for the Word that so lined up with what I was hearing from him in my heart.
Now - for some of you who think this is blasphemous and soooo contrary to what God would say, this is what I have to say, "I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry for you. So much so, that words can not even express how sorry I am for you. I AM walking in the freedom of what called has called me to be. I have tried to obey in EVERY instance that He has called me to obedience, and I seek to please Him in EVERY area of my life. I have had confirmation from Him on this divorce time and time again. I have a great peace in knowing that I am obeying Him and living for Him. I rest in the knowledge that HE has my back, and it is to HIM I will answer to some day. And we'll leave it at that."
Moving On
I do not believe that moving on means for me to move on to another guy, or for me to be open to possibly getting married again. But, I DO believe that moving on means that I am supposed to get on with my life without D in it. I DO believe that I am not supposed to sit and wallow in self pity, and I do believe that part of that "move on" message was about my friend too. It was about me moving on from a special friendship that was severed on Wednesday.
I'm not sure exactly where God would have me do the moving on to, but I do believe that He will tell me when and where to move. He directs my paths and speaks to me as to what, where, and who. I'm just here as His willing vessel. As Samuel said, "Speak Lord, You're servant is listening." - 1 Samuel 3:7-10
Afternoon - More Grief , but Healing Comes
While cleaning and working yesterday afternoon, the grief over the loss of my friendship hit me once again. So much so that it sent me to my knees. I literally laid over my couch and wept giant tears, in pain over this loss. I cried out to God saying, "What you have asked of me is too hard. It is too much for me to bear. I can not do this. Oh God, please do not do this. You have asked too much of me."
I lay and wept for some time, and then God spoke and said, "Call your friend S." What? My reply was, "Well, God, you know she's busy, and she's got things to do. She has family time right now. She doesn't want to hear from me right now."
And God responded, "Call her."
So, I did.
How wonderful that she picked up her phone on one of the first few rings. I was just going to leave her a message, but she picked up! Relief and joy flooded my spirit. I KNEW God was going to give me help here.
So, we chatted for a bit about her pregnancy and some things that were going on with her. Then, I told her some of the things I was dealing with (no names listed), and told her that I was really struggling here. I HAD given up what God had told me to give up, but it was hard. Very hard today.
She was so sweet and said, "If God wants you to have it back later, He'll give it back to you. But, sometimes God doesn't even want us to have it back. Sometimes, He helps us get through it, and then we look back later and wonder, 'Why did I even think I needed that in the first place? I didn't need that at all. What was I thinking?'"
Wow - I hadn't thought of it like that, really.
I told her a little bit about my friend's negative response to it all, and S. said, "Well, that just goes to show you the maturity level of your friend and where they are in their walk with God."
*Eye opener* - She was so right - in so many ways, I could not even tell her. Ay yi yi! *Mouth shut here, because I don't want to offend.*
But, truly S. was and is right. My friend's Christian maturity isn't "there" yet. It is getting there, but has such a ways to go.
And S.'s words of truth and insight were so good and brought more healing to me.
Evening - Time at the Ladies' Bible Study
Now, just because brought insight that afternoon, does not mean that there aren't painful times later that don't come. There are more painful times to come. Even on the way to the Bible study, I cried some more. (Truly, I have cried more over this stupid thing, than I have over ANYTHING in years!) CRAZINESS! But, it has brought me so much closer to God. It has caused me to cling to Him and to earnestly yield to Him - even though it can be painful. I have come to see that I CAN obey, and I have greater confidence of WHO God is in me. I have great confidence of Him in me!
I DID manage to cry my way most of the way to the Bible study. But, I know it's just part of the process of cleansing and surrendering to Him. Again, I told God that this was too hard for me, and that He wasn't playing fair (yes, I was acting like a spoiled brat. But, I was having a moment). But, God again reminded me that He had my back, and as I continued to surrender this to Him that He would bless me and give me my heart's desires - and that I would see amazing breakthroughs in my life.
He also brought back to mind my sweet friend S.'s words of truth. Revelation! Thank you Lord, for Revelation!
The Bible Study was amazing and anointed. God used me and my testimony to bless other ladies there. And, I'm honored that He would do such. I am TRULY honored to be His servant.
We prayed for D. again while there. We prayed that D. would surrender to God and come back to Him quickly, and that God would move in His life. We prayed earnestly for his soul and that God would have mercy on him.
I'm honored to know these ladies, and was so blessed by their prayers for me. What a blessing to be able to encourage each other in the Lord.
Well, that's all for now on my day!
Until tomorrow!
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