Update on My Storm - part 1 (John Bevere)

It's been a little over a week, since I've blogged here.  I can hardly believe it. 

I've started several posts this week, but haven't finished them.  Maybe at a later time I'll go back and add them in.  But, for now, I'll leave them.

The past week has truly been, as some say "an emotional roller coaster." There is much to write about - so I'm going to do it in parts. I hope to get it done by the end of the day, but we'll just see.

It started last Saturday with some advice from a friend of mine, that I didn't like hearing.  It irritated me quite a bit, and caused me to be stirred up a lot.  More praying!

Then, on Sunday, John Bevere ministered at our evening service.  The presence of God fell rather radically in the place, and God prompted me to pray for D.'s soul and ask him once more to come to church to hear John Bevere preach the next night.

I left the church that night upset that I was being asked by God to do this.  But, I did it anyway.  I spoke against any demonic spirits that were keeping him bound, and I commanded them to leave him.  I spoke with authority to the bondages in his life to be removed, and prayed that his heart would get cracks in it - enough to allow slivers of light and God back into his life. I prayed and spoke against things that were holding him tight and that were keeping him from hearing God - I prayed this all the way to D.'s place (he had the boys - I was going to pick them up).

When I got there, I laid my hand on his door before going in, and I commanded the demonic influences there to move back, for the Holy Spirit walked with me, and HE was coming in with me!

I knocked on the door, and felt such peace as I walked in. I knew that God was about to speak through me into Dave. So, I went in and sat down. I NEVER sit down on D's furniture at his place, but on Sunday night, I KNEW I was supposed to sit.

D. looked at me a little confused, but I just grabbed my 3 year old and began putting his socks on him.  Then D. asked, "How did church go?"  I told him it went well, and then I looked him squarely in the eye.  With a quiet boldness I added, "You're supposed to go with me tomorrow night." (This was not something, in my flesh, that I wanted him to do either). *There was a like a war within my own self, between my spirit and my flesh, over this whole thing, but I KNEW I was supposed to do this.*

At any rate, I told him that I knew and he knew that he was lost, that he was miserable, and that he was SEARCHING and just HOPING that someone would come along and show him/tell him what he was supposed to do.  I told him that the glory of God was in that church that night, and you go where the glory is to get revelation.  For where the presence of God is, there is liberty and revelation. 

He hesitated a moment, but he finally accepted, saying he'd go.

That night I went home torn.  I KNEW that he was going to get revelation, and that God was going to change him.  I KNEW that if God changed him, that D. would want to try to reconcile. Do I need to repeat again how much I do not want this!

The next morning, my mother so wonderfully kept my kids for me, so I could have some quiet time to pray and think. I prayed all morning. Even while I was at the grocery store, I prayed.

In my prayers, I cried out to God and BEGGED Him to please not ask me to take D. back. At one point I was standing at a window, pleading with God, and I cried out so earnestly from the depths of my soul, that I could not even remain standing. I was broken and begging. I was like the lady who went before the judge praying, asking, pleading earnestly. I  plead that if my God truly was the God of mercy, that He would look at all my sacrifices, all my obedience, and at my heart and in His mercy please not ask me to take D. back. 

Now some might not understand this who have not been through what I've been through.  There has been so much hurt.  See, not only did D. abandon me and the boys, but he also left me financially crippled.  I have had to pinch pennies like never before. I have had to pick up another part time job on top of the full time (50+ hour a week) job I already work, to make ends meet.  I even had to quit paying my house payment, just so I could pay financial attorney's fees, because I couldn't pay everything. 

Then, to add "icing" to it all, about once a week D. would send me emails that would lambaste me as a person.  There have been many times over the last few months, that I would have to tell him that I was not reading his emails anymore that week or that day, because they got to be so bad. 

He has lived for his SELF, for quite some time.  So, last September, when God told me to let him go, I did so - GLADLY! 

Now, it seemed, though, that God was asking me to intercede heavily for him.  Why? My only rational was that God was about to change him, and that meant D. would be coming back to this marriage.

So on Monday, I plead with God to have mercy on me and not ask me to take D. back.  After some time of what I call the "ugly cry," I heard God assuredly, firmly, and quietly say, "I will not ask you to take him back.  If he comes back and I give him back to you, you will WANT him to come back.  You will WANT him back."  I cried again.  This time in joy.  I felt such a release. 

"I don't have to take him back.  God isn't going to ask that of me? Really? Thank you, God!" 

Now, I wasn't upset that D. was coming to church, and that God might do something so radical in him that I might be asked to take him back.  Now, I was just nervous that he was coming to church.  I was nervous that I was going to have to sing in front of him (I'm on the worship team at my church).  So, I prayed that God would help D. see God in me.  That D. wouldn't even see me, but see God.  I prayed that I would be able to worship with my mind on God only, not on the fact that D. was there.

During worship practice before the service, there were many times I thought I'd crumple in tears. My heart was still heavy.  I just knew that if I was going to cry this easily in just the worship PRACTICE, that I would cry even easier in the service, once the presence of God descended so heavily on the place.

But, it wasn't to be that way. When I walked back on the platform Monday night to sing with the worship team, God filled me with amazing joy!  I was so full of joy, there were times, I had to actually put the microphone down to my side, because I couldn't stop laughing.  I was amazed at such joy!  Wow!

The service was amazing.  Many people were touched.  The presence of God came in the room in such a way, that you could almost touch it.  It was THICK!

Yet, D. still seemed to remain hard-hearted through the service.  Even at the end, when over 70% of the people stood who wanted to walk in the fear of God, who haven't been as they should, D. still didn't stand.  He was sooooo very cold and hard through the service.  He walked out of there, as if nothing had changed!  

BUT God!  -more to come in part 2

The Why's - regarding the end of my marriage

I posted this earlier and had second thoughts, so I removed it.  But, I feel comfortable posting it now, and hope it does not offend. I hope that it instead helps some to better understand my why's a little better.

I received a letter from a dear friend of mine, and though I didn't agree with her, it stopped and made me think AGAIN and search God's heart AGAIN, asking for His direction AGAIN for His guidance and wisdom.  I later this week got even more clarity and understanding, and even MORE confirmation that the steps that I'm taking are in line with His will and plan.  But, I did want to post my response to my dear friend here regarding what I know I have heard from God about and know within my heart to be true.

Please note - some things have been omitted so as not to slander D., and others were omitted, because some things were just private between my friend and I.  But, I left most of the letter in tact.

Here's what I replied with:

Dear...,

I did much praying last night about your email, and I kept asking God to reveal to me if I did, in fact, have the same spirit as Ms. Peterson {see The Peterson's Blog that is being referenced to}. I asked God to search my heart and to show me any errors, to please reveal to me any crevices, I need Him to clean out, and to help me stay pure in Him.   This isn’t something I just prayed last night, as a one-time thing after your email, but it is my prayer I have lived by for over a year.  “God PLEASE show me any areas that need to be worked on or places You’d like to change. Help me see into the spiritual what You would have me see, so I could fight the battles with the spiritual weapons, You would have me to fight.”

Well, not long after I again prayed last night, the Lord showed me that I do NOT have the same spirit as Ms. Peterson.  She speaks with, as you said “a Mormon’s spirit” and twisted views.  She is not saved. I AM saved, AND I walk with the Holy Spirit’s presence and guidance in my life.  I pray in the Spirit almost daily, and am humble before my God to show me how to please Him in every area of my life – including my thoughts and actions.

I am sorry that you felt ... I was in the same spirit as her, but I have to tell you that I am not.  I did not give up on my marriage.  Not at all.  

Back in September, I sat with my pastor AND his wife, and told them that God had told me to let D. go after he informed me he was leaving, yet again.  They were both in agreement with me, but that we would continue to love on, pray for, and have hope that D. would return to Christ.  You see, D. left God. 

I’m not one of these “once saved, always saved” believers.  So, if that is what you believe, we are going to disagree on that right off, which is going to affect how you see me “letting D. go” as being a problem.  

D. and I have talked MUCH since September. He even knows and has said that if he died today, that he doesn’t know if he’d go to heaven. I have cried for him, and been so broken for him.  I do still love him {though my love is not the same of romantic feelings or even as one who is joined to another.  It is as love of one who is lost and who needs to find their way back to God} and am praying for him.  But, I am NOT praying for my marriage. 

I have asked God, since the time He told me to let D. go, if He would ask me to take Him back again, should D. give His heart and life back to God.  For, honestly, in my natural self, this scares me a lot.  There have been times that I have thought I almost couldn’t breathe, thinking that God would ask me to take D. back again.  And, there have been times, I have wanted to throw up, thinking that D. would ever touch me intimately again, {part omitted, so as not to slander D.}.  But, God has also shown me that should He ever ask me to take D. back again, that it would be a blessing to me.  That He would send D. back to me healed and saved!

I trust God for D.’s salvation and that God would have mercy on him.  That God would soften His heart, and not let Him stray so far that He will not return.  That God would have mercy on Him! But, I am not praying him back into a marriage with me.

One Sunday while I was sitting in church, listening to my pastor’s sermon, the Lord spoke to me and told me that He was going to strip D. of the blessings HE had given D. – his family, his money, and so much more.  See, D. is very prideful about His money.  It is his treasure, where his heart lay. {Part omitted, so as not to slander D.}

 – At any rate, when I heard God tell me that he would strip D. of the blessings HE had given D., I cried out to God with, “No, please don’t do this to him.  Have mercy on him please. This is too painful.” But, God told me that it is was IN HIS MERCY and it was because He was merciful that we would be stripping D. of His blessings.  He said that D. would not come back to Him, unless He lost what he treasured.  I was broken for D., yet once again. 

Dear ...,  I know you have only seen and heard a small glimpse of my heart and only know a little of what is going on here. But, really you don’t see the whole picture.  I , myself, continually ask God to show me the whole picture, and I’m right in the middle of it – well, God is really, but you get the idea. 

Are there times I fail and make stupid mistakes? Sure!  I’m human.  I do have moments where I walk in my flesh.  Do I have moments where I wish I could go back and undo certain things?  Yes. Who doesn’t? 

But, I am thankful that my God is merciful enough and loving enough to gently chastise me and show me the right way.  He even helps me out of messes that I might have helped to create. 

Am I hoping for a brighter future?  Absolutely!  Do I hope that there might be a possible mate in that future?  I sure hope so, for I do not want to live the rest of this life without a partner to share it with and to do God’s tasks with.  But, I am not looking, and I’m not even open right now to that.   I am not available, and will not be for some time. I am very much committed to God and HIS purpose and plan for my life.  If that means me being single the rest of my life, as I go about His will and purpose, then so be it. 

I do know and feel released from D.  I have talked with my counselor, my pastors, and my best friend (who is a powerful praying mama!), and all are in agreement with me on this. 

....

But, I will not let go of what I know God has told me. I will not let go of the promises He has given me. I will not let go of the vision He has given me and even the things He has confirmed.... 

I understand you and your family do believe in the “married for life – no matter what” thing.  And, honestly, ... I have stood with D. through so much {not going to list it here}.  I KNOW I could have stood for my marriage and with D. through a lot.  But, I also know that the Bible tells me to let him leave, if he so chooses.  I did not push him away or wish him away.  I was broken when he said he was leaving, yet again.  But, I will not hold onto him, when God said to let him go. 

And, I know that I am not bound to him anymore.  I know that I know that I know that. 

Again, should God ask me to take him back, I will. I will, because I serve my God.  I love Him, and will lay my SELF down for Him – as I have done so many times before, and as I did just recently with my good friend.  My life is not my own, and I have to crucify my flesh daily.   

I do not live for me, though I do at times mess up and put me first.  But, I am committed to continuing to let HIM work on me and to perfect me into all He would have me to be.   I doubt that Ms. Peterson is doing that! J

Again, I’m sorry we are probably going to disagree here.  Even from the first, when God told me to let D. go, I thought of you and your family – mainly you. J  I was so upset with God, because I believed you would disagree with me so strongly here on this.  I did not want to be at odds with you, or lose a possible friendship. It hurt me.  So, I went over and over the scriptures.  I asked for wise counsel. I looked at the Greek and Hebrew meanings of the word “bound.”  I looked and looked and looked. I tried to reason away what God was telling me. I tried to look at it from your prospective.  And each time, I did, I ended up in such turmoil. I was stressed out and quite upset.  But, then each time I would let it go and just say, “Okay, God, your will be done. I release this back to you,” I immediately felt at peace.

I don’t know what else to tell you except,... only God can judge my motives.  He DOES know my heart, and the place where I am so humble before Him that I would give up everything for whatever He had me to do.  I give it all to Him.  And, any area where He sees I have not completely surrendered, I ask that He show me that area and help me surrender that also. 

I know God is blessing me for keeping myself pure, for giving Him my heart, and for trusting Him.  And, I know He will continue to bless me and my children for that in the days ahead.  What those days hold,  I do not know.  But, I do know that as I strive to obey Him, trust in Him, and work to please Him, that He will direct my paths and lead me in the way everlasting. 

Again, I don’t think Ms. Peterson does that. J

Know that I love you all, and pray that God would bless you and guide you as you work to know and do His will in everything you do.

Many blessing,

TJ

Funny Moment (on streets) - Brought to you by Caleb

My parents just got back in town last night, and knew I was going to have Caleb at the church while I practiced. So, they kindly offered to drive 25 minutes out of their way to come down and pick him up from the church where I was practicing.  They say there were "helping out", but I REALLY think they wanted to get some lovin' from the little cuddle bug!

At any rate - they came all the way down to the church in their big Semi! What a way to get a ride home!
Caleb was proud as a peacock to be riding home in his Memaw and Papaw's eighteen wheeler.  Mom said he rode in the back on the way home, and that my dad told him that when they got to their street (they live in a small subdivision right across the street from me) that he could sit in his Papaw's lap and "drive."

Now, don't go getting all stuffy on me- I KNOW this isn't legal! But, it was on a SMALL subdivision that doesn't get much traffic through it, so....

Well, all the way home, Caleb would ask here and there, "Is that our street? Is that one our street? How bout this one? Is that one our street?"  My dad would reply, "No, but we'll be there soon."

Finally, Caleb spoke up and said, "Well, this might not be our street that we live on, but this IS someone's street!"

Guess he thought that since it was someone's street, that he should be able to drive then.  :)  Ha ha ha - He just keeps em' coming!

Husbands: Headship Means Taking the Lead in Reconciliation

I don't speak on this much really - even on my old blog - basically, because I'm not a guy. But, I found this great article that I liked and had so wished my husband had read in my own marriage. I would never have shown it to him, I think, because I wouldn't have wanted to be disrespectful. But, the article is so true. If more husbands did this, how many marriages would be better or even saved?

Click below

Husbands: Headship Means Taking the Lead in Reconciliation

Just a Funny Moment- Brought to you by Caleb

WARNING: This could be TMI for some of you, so avoid reading if you think it might be.

Okay - so I was sitting on the pot (toilet, john, commode) the other day, and Caleb (who is learning to knock, still) walked in.  He looks at me and says, "Mommy, I need to go poop."  

I replied, "Well, I'm sorta trying to do that now, so you'll have to wait.  And, I'm having a hard time doing it because you're in here.  So please get out. I need some privacy."

He looked at me with curiosity, then very seriously said, "Well, Mommy, you need to close your eyes, push real hard like this (he demonstrates by squinting his eyes and getting in a 3 year old swat position), then you need to just poop (he gives sounds effects to go with it)."  

Ha ha ha - Through my chuckles.  I thanked him for his words of advice, and then ordered him out of the bathroom.

He certainly keeps me in stitches at times. :)

Hearing from God - For Today

Each day, I am learning to ask God what His will for me is for THAT day!

- Jesus said in Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

- Proverbs 27:1 says, "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth."

- James 4:13-15 says, " 13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

So, I am learning to not try to figure out tomorrow, but to live for each day and ask God what He has for me each day.

Yesterday morning I was up a little after 2 AM praying. Yes, that's early, but sometimes I know God wakes us and impresses upon to pray. Why waste time sleeping when God wants me to spend time doing something more important!

So, I got up to pray. Around 4 I received an email that made me glad I was up praying early. So, I asked God what to do with this email, for it threw me for a loop. And the words God gave me were "March on." So, yesterday I marched on. I was a little confused by what was in the email, and I wanted to double check with God on some things. But, after checking with Him, I heard Him say, "March on." So I did.

This morning in my time of prayer, today I heard "Be still and wait." Okay, "be still and wait"? Alright, God. Yesterday, you told me to march on, and today is be still and wait here.

I see this as a battle. Sometimes, a commander in the battle will say "march on," and sometimes, he says, "Halt! Wait here!" So, today is the "halt" and "wait here" day.

I'm just waiting and listening. I very much want to try to figure things out in my head and try to sort it all out. But, I have to just trust God, listen for His voice, and obey Him with each step I take.

I don't want to jump ahead and have an "Ishmael" moment like Abraham did. I am holding on to the promises God gave me, but I don't want to try to get them on my own or try to fulfill on my own the vision He gave me. I want to wait and continue to let HIM do the guiding.

So today, I will halt and wait.

Wonder what tomorrow will be?

The Attorney

So, I had to finally see an attorney today. I have had consultations with 2 others since my husband left, just so I could know what I was looking at - The Bible says seek wise counsel, so I did. But, today I finally went to my third attorney to have a consultation about this whole process, and I KNOW she was the one I'm supposed to be using.

She is super expensive - one of the most expensive in the county, but she is also VERY good!

Well, God has given me amazing favor with her, and before I even went to see her, she waved the consolation fee ($150) - something she rarely does - for the initial meeting.

Then, this morning, while on the way to work, as I was asking God again to give me favor with her, I reminded Him (as if HE needed to be reminded) that she was VERY expensive. SO, I asked God for a sure sign that she was the one I was supposed to be using. I asked for a SURE sign - one that was going to be hard to get done, but since ALL things are possible with God, then if this was to be, then He'd work it out to get it done.

My sign was that I wanted her to charge me $1500.00 or less for this whole process.

Now some of you might not understand the significance of this, AND you might think that's an astronomical amount of money. And, it IS a lot of money. But, since I've been checking around, I know that attorney's fees - just the retainer fees - run at about $2000.00 to $2500.00. And, that's for an average attorney. This lady is good though!

So, I thought to myself, "There is no way this lady is going to let me get by with only $1500.00 or less for a retainer fee, much less for the whole process."

Why, this lady even informed me that HER retainer fee runs at $3000.00, and then she bills you for whatever you go over the initial fee. Yikes! $3000! or MORE!

Well, as I sat and talked with her, and felt at peace that God had led me to her, I again asked God to show me His will, give me guidance, and give me wisdom on this whole thing.

And, He did! My amazing, highly-sought-after lawyer, looked at me and said, "This whole thing could be done for around $1400.00 - no retainer fee needed. AND, my husband and you will split the cost."

WHAT? Did she just say what I thought she said? Did she just say everything would be done for $1400.00? AND, the cost would be split between my husband and I? Am I hearing her right?

I just grinned from ear to ear, thanked God for guiding me once again, and then finished listening to her counsel.

Now, this lady is NOT a Christian - that was quite obvious. BUT, I was able to witness to her. I was able to share the light in me, and let her witness the love I still have for my husband, to not harm him. She was amazed that I was so kind, nice, and thoughtful of even him, after all I'd been through. I am amazed myself, that I can be so loving to him. Must be GOD! :)

At any rate, she and I went over the paperwork, and I felt such a peace knowing that God was providing, yet once again. That HE was leading me, and that HE has my back! He is taking care of me.

To some this sounds crazy. To MOST Christians this is insane! Why would I get excited over the divorce? I'm not excited about the divorce or the process. BUT, I am excited about the promises I have from God. I AM excited to watch things unfold that HE told me would happen. I AM excited that I can walk each day with Him, from Day to Day, minute to minute and moment to moment.

I am excited that HE is guiding my steps, and that no matter the mistakes of people around me, that my destiny is still set.

Yes, God is good, and He is still in the business of taking care of His people.

The Devil is a Liar

The devil is such a liar.

About 2 years ago, I had my first cardiologist appointment. I wasn't thrilled to be going. It was then I was told that I probably had atherosclerosis and was going to be referred to a specialist.

Now, I'm not one to panic over these things - or anything really, and I certainly don't like to talk about any physical ailments I might have, mainly because I was born with a "tough it out" personality. If anything, I have had to work harder to be more compassionate with people when they ARE sick (unless there is a TRUE visible sickness),because I do have the "buck it up" kind of personality.

Even as a little kid, my mom knew that I wasn't one to whine about ailments, large cuts, or burns. She could definitely tell you some stories about me pushing through the pain. I have always been pretty active, so I never had time for all that "whining stuff."

Back to my story -

I finally had to see a cardiologist - The reason I even started seeing a cardiologist in the first place was because I have had to deal with severe breath-taking chest pain at various times over the years. I never told anyone, because I didn't want them to worry. So, finally after dealing with it for over 10 years, one night as I lay in my bed dealing with it yet again, I prayed that if God would let me live through this last chest-piercing intense pain (I thought I was having a heart attack) that I would finally go see a doctor.

So, without telling my husband, I did as I told God I would and went to see my doctor. All the while, I got mad at the devil and told him he was a liar.

My doctor ran some tests, and then with a rather concerned look she referred me to a cardiologist, who ran a battery of tests on me. I was told by that doctor that I probably had atherosclerosis and that I would just have to take meds the rest of my life.

What? Meds? Me? no way! I stay as far from doctors as possible. How could I have atherosclerosis? I'm not that old yet? Are you kidding me? Really? I have kids to raise!




Not, that I don't respect doctors, but I have learned over that years that God has provided so many natural means of taking care of things, so I'd rather do my research and make some changes rather than to go see a doctor. Besides, I have learned that most of the meds prescribed by doctors, end up causing harm to your body in some way, that will have to be countered with yet another drug.

Well, after all the tests were run, the doctor came in the room with the results. Low and behold, after all those tests, we discovered that I have low blood pressure (I already knew this - V8 and SALT are my friends), and we discovered that I have GREAT cholesterol levels. Um - YEP - I knew that too!

Besides - don't get me started on the medical hoopla of cholesterol that is insane. That's another post saved for another day.

After the tests, the doctor also informed the that I did NOT have atherosclerosis. Praise that Lord! Whew - well, that's good news. I wondered how a young woman of my age could have a disease like that which is usually associated with older people.

However, we DID discover that I do have a heart arrhythmia. Meaning that my heart skips a beat a lot of times. There are times I can actually feel my heart beating and that I can feel it in my chest deeply and even feel it as it skips a beat. I thought everyone could do this, but according to my doctor, this isn't really a normal feeling. :) Ha ha ha - and here I thought this was normal. I've felt my heart beat many times since I was a little girl.

At any rate, my doctor informed me that I should be fine. I just needed to not put too much strain on my heart with high level activities. REALLY?

Ha ha ha! That was too funny! This doctor obviously didn't know me. Now, at the time, I wasn't that active with phsycial workouts really. Though I guess you could call chasing a toddler and a 3 year old around the house each day was strenuous enough. But, lately, I've taken to running and dancing like a maniac around my house. I've always loved dancing and even had some professional training in high school. But, now that I'm living single and am making great new friends, I find myself dancing more. Strange, I know!

Well, this heart arrhythmia has lain dormat for over 2 years now, and I haven't had to deal with it much. I learned how to manage it and began taking herbs to help with it. No problems really, until tonight.

While running tonight, I had a major issue with it (one I don't want to talk about at the moment, because it made me mad), that is most frustrating to me. So, rather than walk in foolishness, I had to choose instead to slow my run to a walk, and walk in wisdom. *Pun intended* :)

I am determined though that I WILL run this race in March, I just have had to realize that I am going to have to slow my training down.

So rather than training with a pattern of run 5 minutes, walk 3, run 5, walk 3..., 3 days a week, I am going to have to up my days that I train, and run and walk at different intervals. Hopefully, I can build up my tolerance and resilency by the race, so that I can run the whole 3.2 miles without walking.

I am running this to prove to myself that I CAN do this. I am running this to prove that I CAN do all things through Christ. And, I'm running to say, I WILL not only survive, but I will THRIVE. I will NOT lay down, give up, let up, or break down. I CAN do this!

I just need to do it with wisdom.

The devil is a liar, and I am trusting God for complete healing and praying for strength and wisdom as I run this race - not just simply a 5K - but the race of life. The life God has laid before me to RUN!

A Day in the Life of a Single Mom

I didn't ask for this life. I asked for "death til you part." I asked for a commitment and a trust in God that would get us through thick and thin, good and bad, highs and lows, ins and outs, good times and bad times, sickness and in health,... Well, you get the idea.

But, as James 1 says, I consider it PURE joy when I have faced these trials, for I know I am now stronger and stand firmer in my faith in Christ Jesus, my Lord.

James 1:2-4 "My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need." So, I am full of joy because my faith has been tested, and God has helped develop patience in me. I have more patience, and I know that I can stand up to the test.

-I have learned to love the unlovely, and to forgive and have mercy on those who mistreat you.
-I have learned that it's okay to set boundaries with those you love, and that setting boundaries doesn't mean you love them less.
-I have learned that God expects us to guard our hearts, but that He also expects us to be gentle as lambs.
-I have learned that I don't have to be bitter or resentful of a husband who abandoned you and your children.
-I have learned that sometimes God expects us to give up friends (even if it's only for a season, so that He can bless us in other areas), and that in HIS timing all things will work together for those who love Him.
-And, I have learned so much more.

But, in all this, I have had to learn how to balance my time better and to make sure I keep my priorities straight. People ask me at times, "How do you do it?" My reply is simply, "It's just God. That's all I can tell you."

Here is just a run down of my day:
4 AM (sometimes earlier)- Get up and grab my lemon water, Bible, and iPod. Head to the bathroom, for my devotional time (yes, I do my devotions with a long bubble bath in the morning - multitasking!)
4:45 - Out of the tub - laundry and kitchen cleaning to be done.
5:15- Pack lunches and get dressed
6:00 - Short cuddle time with boys - Get them up and dressed
6:45 - Leave for school
7:00 - Boys dropped off at school
7:15 - Me at school, finish up morning work before my students come in
7:30 - My students come in, and I work straight to 3:00
3:00 - Run a few errands
3:30 - Pick up boys, finish errands, and go home
4:00 - Mommy quiet time until 4:45 (now I get my running and workouts in during this time)
4:45 - light house work, unpack lunches, and clean out book bags
5:00 - Mommy/boy squad time - Bike riding, playing cars, chase, "karate" play, rough housing outside
6:00 - Supper
6:30 - School work with boys
7:00 - Boys' baths while I clean up
8:00 - Boys' brush teeth/prayers/read book/go to sleep
8:30 - My quiet time to catch up with friends, fold clothes, work on bills, or practice piano
9:30 - My bedtime (like to get it there before 9, but haven't done so lately)

And the next morning, I hit the "repeat" button

Except on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, we have church, so we get to bed even later.

Yeah - life is pretty hectic for a single mom, but I'm so blessed that I do get to spend some time with my boys each day. And, I'm blessed they are under my roof most nights.

Do I wish it would be simplier and slow down some. Sure, I do. And, I look forward to the day that it does. But, for now, I have much to be grateful for, and I thank my God for each new day He brings me. For His mercies are new EVERY morning!

My Little Encouragers

Being a woman, it's nice to hear encouragement from people from time to time. Though I guess, it doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man, it's still nice to hear encouraging words to propel you along. I just stereotypically see woman as the ones who like to HEAR the encouraging words more than men.

Gary Chapman breaks down the way people need to hear "I love you" into 5 love languages - words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, or acts of service. You can go online to his website for the 5 Love Languages Quiz and take the quiz to find your primary love language, and you can also get his book which covers each love language in depth and shows you how to minister love to other people (this is great, if you work with people a lot - it helps you build relationships on the job, with friends, and with family. And it helps you be a better communicator).

At any rate, my primary love language is words of affirmation, and then quality time is my secondary. Receiving gifts is lower on my priority list. I'd rather receive a nice phone call of encouragement any day, rather than a gift.

Well, thankfully, my little boys have turned into my encouragers, and God has blessed me in that they speak my love language so easily (words of affirmation is also Joshua's love language and quality time is Caleb's primary love language - so this makes it easier for them to speak my language).

Some of the things I have heard come out of their mouths lately:

- Joshua (J): Mama, I sure do love you.

- Caleb (C): Mama, you are pretty.

- J: You're a princess.

- J: When I grow up, I'm going to marry you, and I'll NEVER leave you. (side note: while this might sound nice, I really do want him to get married and move out one day)

- J: You are a good mama.

- J: God loves your heart, and so do I.

- C: I love your pretty hair.

- J: (as I walked out and left him at school) Have a good day, Mama.

- C: (grabbing my face in his hands) You are sooooooo pretty.

- J: God has a special plan for you, Mama. - This is one of my favorites. Joshua just told me this the other night.

None of these compliments and

encouragements are solicited, and I don't think any of them are in response to something I have said to them immediately before their encouraging words. They just come up with them on their own and then share them.

I am so blessed to have these two little men in my life and to be their mommy. I'm thankful God has given me this opportunity to train them and to watch their lives unfold in all that He has for them.

Just a note - on my little boy squad!

Just the Wrong Time

Sometimes, we can get ourselves in battles that we shouldn't have been involved in the first place. We put ourselves in other people's company or in relationships that should not have been there. We end up timing things wrong, and don't heed God's timing or wisdom that He offers. Not to say that those things might not come about later on, but the timing for them now just isn't right.

Well, that's been me the last 6 weeks. I put myself in a place that wasn't God's timing for me to be in. I allowed myself to go to a place that I shouldn't have, and now I'm paying for it.

My heart strings started becoming wrapped around something that they shouldn't have been, and I let myself start down a path that wasn't yet for me to start down. Now, I get to pay for my foolishness.

NO - I didn't commit adultery or even go THERE - for all you who are thinking it!
But, I was foolish, and I did not act out of wisdom. I let a friendship develop that I shouldn't have, and I am sorry for it now.

Don't ask - you don't REALLY want to know the whole story, do you?

Well, maybe you do - but I'm going to leave that for another time.

At any rate - my sweet, precious, and boldly anointed best friend called me out on it yesterday, and even though I hem hawed around about it, trying to get around the issue, when I got off the phone with her, I knew what I had to do. I had to make a detour and get back on the right road.

In my own selfishness, I started down this road. I wasn't considerate of the other person, or myself for that matter, and I should have been.

So, in the last 24 hours, I've been working to get my mind AND my foolish heart back on the right road. I'm just thankful I haven't had to deal with it on the other person's end yet or have to address anything, for I am sure I would BAWL (as we say in Alabama) through it all. And, I'm so thankful that I am doing this now, and not later on when it would be all the harder.

For now, I know that though I might have failed a few tests, I passed this one today, and I hope to pass the rest to come.

I have to be honest - letting go, yet again, really scares me, because I TRULY do not want to lose the friendship. I wonder if it will still be there after the dust of things here have settled here with Dave.
But, as for my friend - I can't hold onto something that wasn't God's timing. So, God said I had to let it go, and if the friendship was to develop later, in HIS timing, that HE would work it out - not me. So, between yesterday and today, I told God I'd let it go.

Through many tears and surrender to God once again, I am letting go. My heart hurts, and I am going to miss the friendship. I'm going to miss the "chats" every few days, the shared laughs, the comradeship, the shared day's events, the shared visions, and more. I'm going to miss my friend greatly - more than I can say! But, as my best friend told me, so lovingly, yet bluntly - I wouldn't have had to even be in this battle or position if I hadn't allowed myself to go there. Uck! She's so right!

So, I am letting go AGAIN! Should God ever lead me back to the road I had started down, it will in HIS timing - HIS time. But, this time, I'll wait, because I want HIS best.

Let Him Leave

So, if you have read any of my other blog at TJsGarden, you would know that the man I gave myself and my heart to, decided to leave my kids and me back in September 2010. Well, really, he left the November before that in 2009, but he just physically stayed with us until the end of September.

During the time since he has been gone, I have been over and over the Bible searching for answers to how I was supposed to handle this. There have been late nights reading and praying, early mornings praying, and times during the day. But, even from the first, the same word comes - "Let him go!" So, I let him go.

I still pray for him, and remember the good times. I hurt for him, and feel sorry for him, for the bad decisions he is making and has made. He has lost so much. He doesn't even realize the treasures he has thrown away.

But, I have let him go.

I'm now in the middle of handling the legal paperwork for the end of this marriage. It stinks. It hurts. It is sad. It is not easy.

But, so it goes. This isn't my choice, but I'm going with it, because I have a peace that God is taking care of me and taking care of all things.

But, here I am. So.....

We'll just have to see what lies ahead.