My mother says I'm strong. Strong in spirit, strong in emotional stability, strong in heart - Strong. And, I know I am, for I have allowed God to make me strong and stronger. But, I know as a child I was also born strong. Strong in will, strong in body, strong in spirit, and strong in heart (though I have a very tender heart that loves people easily).
I'm thankful for the compassion that God has worked in me over the years and grown in me for others, because truly I was not naturally a compassionate person. Sure, I have always been VERY compassionate when animals were hurt or sick or when other humans were suffering horrible atrocities (like starving children in Africa or child prostitutes in China). But, for the last 26 years, I have had to let God develop compassion in me for other people who were not going through such hardships.
I am naturally a strong person, so when I hear others complaining or whining or buckling under their "puny" little hardships, there have been times I just want to shake them. I wanted to say, "Puhhhlleeeze - You need to get up, dust yourself off, learn how to do whatever it is you need to do, and quit whining over the fact that someone didn't do it for you!" I guess this is my strong will that is coming out in me, and my determination to conquer whatever doesn't kill me first.
I'm a fighter. I was born a fighter. Some people are natural peacemakers and choose to run away from their issues. Some are born as fighters. I didn't choose to be this way. This IS the way God put me together, but I HAVE had to let Him tone down some of my brashness. He has, and I'm thankful for it.
Just an example of things I'm having to be more independent in lately, since D. has been gone.
Some things I'm having to do are:
- cut my own grass - not that I mind this. I used to rather enjoy cutting the grass. I just don't seem to have the time to get it done now.
- change my own water and a/c filters: again - not that I mind this sort of thing. I just am having to squeeze it in somewhere among the rest of my duties now.
- change my own oil - or go get it changed
- do the maintenance on my own car. Something I would have enjoyed had I been a boy and didn't mind getting my hands all greasy. It's like a big puzzle really, that would be fun to take apart and put back together if you didn't have to get so dirty doing it.
- wash my own car. Not that D. really ever did this much anyway, but REALLY, at least I had someone to blame for a dirty car. :)
- put my own salt in the water softener
- fix my own A/C - Again, I don't mind this either, though I hate having to crawl around in spiders in the attic, but I did this usually anyway when D. was here.
- fix my own computer issues - I'd say this is the WORST. I hate having to do this. It tries my patience, more than a person could any day, I think.
Other areas of strength - I've always been the "go-to" girl in my family. "Go to T. for prayer. Go to T. for help sorting through things. Go to T. for someone you can depend on. Go to T. for advice. Go to T. to share your secrets (she keeps them tight). Go to T for counseling. - Go to T." I wish more of them would say, "Let's go to God," instead. I work to point them in that direction, but not everyone seems to want to go there. For He points out more areas that need to be worked on, and exposes things in people they don't want exposed. So, instead, they seem drawn to me - well, that is until I mention them letting God work to expose some of those areas that need working on, anyway. :)
So, yeah, I guess I'm strong. I used to be fiercely independent and not let anyone do much of anything for me. But, that was pride and a self-defense mechanism. I didn't want to risk being let down by people, nor did I want to appear weak. But, I'm not that way anymore.
Now, if someone volunteers to help me out, I'm usually likely to say, "Sure, that'd be great." Or if someone wants to help fix my car, mow my grass, or help with the boys, I can be found saying, "You're a blessing. Thank you so much." I don't want to cheat someone of their blessings for blessing me, and I KNOW I need the help now.
But even though I am still strong, I know I am weak. I am very weak at times. But, only a few people know this or have seen it. And, I've only LET a few people see it. Those select few are VERY close to me, and are my best of friends - whom I have carefully chosen and been picky about. And, even then, I wish I had not let all of them see me so weak. For, I can be very weak!
But, since this separation and divorce thing, I have discovered I am even weaker. It seems it has made me weaker - yet stronger at the same time.
I am weak because I crave adult companionship.
I am weak because I have moments where I just want to go on a tirade against D. and all men in general. And, I have done this, I'm ashamed to say - and then have had to repent afterwards and ask for God's help in moving forward.
I am weak because I long to be held again, and my fears soothed away before I go to sleep at night.
I am weak because I long to have someone to sit and talk the day over with and share evening meals with again.
I am weak because I yearn for someone to enjoy a good movie with on the couch or share an evening stroll with on the beach.
I am weak because I want to have someone to "vent" my frustrations to at the end of the day, or someone who cares enough to buy me flowers - just because.
I am weak because I long to share a good book with someone special and enjoy morning sunrises or evening sunsets with that person and a cup of coffee.
I am weak because I long to share the housework with someone - not because I long to share the load, but because I want to work in the kitchen with someone, like I have worked in the kitchen with my daddy many times over the years. And, because I long to paint and work alongside someone in a home like I've seen my brother do with His wife.
I am weak because I have moments where I just want to lay my head on someone's chest again and hear them tell me it's going to be okay and that God will work everything for my good as I obey Him.
And, I am weak because I am a hopeless romantic who loves to give back and longs to invest in another person, just to see that person smile.
Now some people might not see these things as weaknesses. But, I do. I wish these longings would go away and leave me be. I wish I could just finish out this life without wanting the above things - doing all I can for God and living my life to please Him.
But these longings still remain. They haunt me at times, it seems. I don't want to compromise or give in - just because I have them. But, I do have them.
I wonder why God put them there. I wonder if this will be my thorn in my flesh that will never go away. Can't I just go through life without them there? Eish!
And with them there, I feel weak. God says His strength is made perfect in my weakness - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 and that He gives strength to the weak - Isaiah 40:28-31
He is also with me when I feel alone - Matthew 28:20, and He loves me more and is more passionate about me than anyone could and ever will be - Psalm 139:16-17.
But, I know I am weak. So many people think I am strong, and I guess I am - but it God who is strong in me. Not me on my own. I am glad in Him I can be made strong and get overcome my weaknesses. For He alone is able and gives me power to carry on.
And He can be for you too. His strength is made perfect in you, if you trust in Him. He CAN and will carry you through if you rely on and obey Him. But you MUST obey and have faith He will do what He said He would do in you. He will bless you as you let Him. He will work good things in you and through you. You just have to let Him.
Question is - Are you willing to let Him, even when you feel weak?
I'm working to do so. But, shhhhh - don't tell anybody - I really am quite weak! Only He makes me strong.
No comments:
Post a Comment