N Retrospect: November 2011

Well, it's been over a month now since the papers for my divorce were signed and finalized by a judge. The day of the signing was surreal. Sitting down to sign the papers wasn't too bad, but watching D. sign them was like watching something happen in a dream. The final chains were broken, and promises that had been made were broken. It was not painful, just surreal.

The marriage had been over for over a year - longer really. I just hadn't known it. And, I didn't let go of it, until God told me to let D. go. THAT was hard. But, God knew. He knew it was over and that D. wasn't coming back. He knew.

So, I sat the first weekend of October and watched D. sign the papers that said our marriage was officially by law broken and no longer. A year ago, this might would have ripped my insides apart, but God knew I wasn't ready then, though D. was going to do it then, had he had the money. But, God knew. He knew I wasn't emotionally ready for the full impact of this day.

Now, I look back over the last 11 years and see so much of God's grace in my marriage and in my life. I see His hand at work, and His help all along the journey. It wasn't easy, that's for sure. But, I am so grateful for His help each step of the way.

Every time I was rejected or threatened with divorce over the years. Every time I was told I wasn't good enough. Even when I was told that I was .... Well, some things are best left not said. But, even then, God's grace was so good. His mercy so full and empowering. He gave me strength when I had none left. And, He gave me joy and love when none was given.

I look at it all, and say, "thank you, God. Oh, thank you."

Today, life goes on. And, it is rich and full. It still goes on.