Update on My Storm - part 5 (The Meeting)

When I walked in D.'s place, I was at such peace.  D. had been to see the marriage counselor for the first time that night, so he was just getting home, when I pulled in the drive.  He got out of his truck and walked with me to the door.

After letting me in, he asked if I wanted something to drink.  I replied with a "no thank you," thinking all the time, "I just want to get this over with. I don't want anything to drink to go with this. Let's just hurry it up and move it on."

We sat down.  He in his chair, and me on the couch - as far away as possible from him as I could get. He then proceeded to tell me that he had been to see the counselor and that he wanted to tell me that he was sorry for the pain he'd caused me.  He said that he did still love me and wanted to try to work things out.  He said he knew it was a long shot, but that he wanted to try to win my heart back.  He knew he had lost it.  He again said he was sorry, and asked if I'd let him try to win my heart back.  If I'd give him another chance.

I sat in tears.  I knew this was coming, but I didn't want to hear it.  I was angry at God that I was going to have to say "yes" to D., and I was upset that I was put in this position.

So, with tears brimming, ready to roll down my cheeks, I quickly shook my head back and forth and said, "no, no, no." This was so hard, and I KNOW God helped me it together, as I sat and listened to him say he was sorry. I could barely look at him.

I said, "You have put me through soooo much. You have have taken my heart, crushed it in your hands, thrown it down, spit on it, and then every now and then, you have gone by and kicked it just to make sure it was alive and still hurting. So, no, I will not let you try to win it back."

I finished up with, "I can not do this, D. I can not trust you with my heart again.  On top of that, I have worked on myself while you have been gone. I have allowed God to refine me and turn me into an even better  vessel to be used by him.  What have you done?  You have let yourself go.  You have gone deeper into the sin you have been involved in, and you have gotten yourself into a mess.  Now you just want to up and try to win my heart back to fix things? No, I can't do that."

After my little quiet tirade, I heard God speak to me to be quiet.  So, I sat quietly and looked at D.  By now, I was crying (something I rarely do).

I hurt so deeply, and all this brought up so many emotions.  So much hurt and anger and just plain old PAIN.

So, I sat quietly and prayed.  I prayed asking God, "What? What do you want from me?  Do you really want this of me?  You TOLD me you wouldn't ask me to take him back. You TOLD me that I would WANT him to come back, if he was to come back.  And, I KNOW I don't want him to come back right now.So, What is this?"

God quietly spoke back and said, "Yes, I told you that I would not ask you to take him back, but I am asking you to open your heart up to him and tell him 'yes' that you will allow him to work to win your heart again.  But, tell him the he must WORK for it."

So, I looked over at D., and quietly and respectfully said, "ok" - "if you want to work to win my heart again, okay. I will open the door some.  But YOU must do the work to win it.  I am not supposed to do anything here, but to sit back and watch what happens.  God has already told me that He was going to bless me in my obedience, so I am going to trust Him to bless me in this obedience also. So, yes, I'll open the door for you to try to win my heart again."

D. thanked me.

But, then what he told me next threw me for such a loop, that I didn't even call my counselor for two weeks.  I avoided my counselor, because of what D. said.

- to be continued in part 6 (I Was Wrong?)