Since I am at the beginning of the paperwork for this divorce, I wanted to set my emotions aside and see this whole picture clearer through God's eyes. So, I am fasting for 40 days - I KNOW at the end of this that I WILL have some answers to some things. I am praying for favor with the court system and for this to be a quick thing. I do not want to go through a long drawn out divorce, but if it be God's will, I will ride it out.
Today has been a harder day than yesterday. Several times I just wished I had could break one area of my fast. I wanted to talk with one of my friends sooooo very badly. Last night, I had several things come up with my parents - which I won't post here. Nothing that strains our relationship - our relationship is fine. But, those strongholds that I'm fasting about see Day One- yeah, well, I am seeing already some results of having to "dig" into that stuff. I didn't do the "digging" - God is doing that. But, it is yuckier than I thought.
Instead, God supplied backup and encouragement from others. Also, I was able to speak plainly into my mother's life - reestablishing some boundaries that needed to be reset, and I was able to pray with her and encourage her in the Lord. God's presence was definitely in the room as I prayed. Though I was already spent emotionally, God showed up anyway. His presence does NOT depend on our emotions. In fact, it seems that when we come to the end of ourselves and have nothing left to give - that is when He shows up and tells us that He was just waiting on us to come to the end of our SELVES in the first place.
Well, He certainly did that today. He showed up - again and again and again.
There was more paperwork handled with the divorce today - this time on D's end. Sometimes, it seems that I'm in just a bad dream. But, I KNOW that I am not. I know I am awake - and REALLY this is a good "dream". Why? Why would I say that? - Because my God is with me in this "dream". He upholds me and gives me great peace in this "dream". He promises to bless me and my children in this "dream." His promises are true and good. His plan is perfect.
So I will wait here. I will not break my fast. I will wait on Him. He will sustain me, even when I have nothing left of myself to give. He is my rock and my sustainer. And I will trust in Him.
I do not trust in man - for man has flaws. Not in my friends - for friends will fail you. Not in family - for family can let you down.
But, I trust in God. Who is the Creator, the Potter, and the One who Saves! He is the peace giver, miracle worker, and way maker. He makes a way when there is no way! He is!
Who am I to question what He wants to do with me and my children! I will not! I will just trust!
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