Thought I'd just post here of about the month my life REALLY seemed to unravel... (though it didn't really unravel - God had me held tight the whole time)
I have felt I needed to write this letter for some time, but have not wanted to write it due to the time I knew it would take to write and to the length that it would be. I also did not want to write it, because no one likes to admit that she is a failure. However, I have had so many wonderful blessings from God in during this awful storm I am in right now, that I do not want to keep you from growing in your faith just because I don’t feel like or want to write right now.
So here I am, writing my heart and letting you know what has been going on in my home the last month. I’ll start at yesterday, then go back to a month ago, and I’ll finish with today and my tomorrow’s.
Yesterday my husband D. informed me that he was leaving me, since he had no desire to work on our marriage anymore, nor he said, was he in love with me anymore. We had a long and painful talk about our marriage, and D. said he was done. God was with me through the whole discussion and gave me such love, peace, humbleness, yet boldness all at the same time – if you can imagine all that. God gave me words of truth to be spoken in love, yet He enabled me to stick to the main thing and keep my mouth closed over the petty issues. God poured His wonderful Word through me to encourage my husband, yet hold him accountable at the same time. It was wonderful and draining all at the same time.
Now, let me go back to four weeks ago.
Over Thanksgiving this year I noticed that D. was extremely stressed and tense. He was snappy. He called me names he NEVER calls me. He was impatient with me and the kids and even quiet short and impatient with his parents. I just thought this was because of the trip to see his parents and the usual stress that comes along with it.
However, the week after Thanksgiving, D. was acting the same way. He had grown VERY distant from me, and we had not made love in two weeks. I worked to initiate love making and even worked to figure out what was wrong – only to be told by D. that he didn’t know what was wrong, but he just knew he couldn’t take it anymore. Little did I know the REAL battle that was going on was for my marriage and for D.’s soul.
The weekend after Thanksgiving, D. informed me he was not in love with me anymore, and he suggested that we get rid of the two dogs and the cat. He also said that he was upset with me because I gave him kids, and because he didn’t want kids.
Of course those two weeks after Thanksgiving, I began to see my world as I knew it unravel, and I started seeing that there was more to this than just D. being unhappy with me. In fact, God began to show me that this wasn’t about me at all, but about something much more. There was/is a serious spiritual battle that was/is going on here for D.
The following weekend (the weekend of December 12th), D. went away for the weekend to “sort out” his thoughts and feelings. He was gone two days, and when he came back, he informed me that he was interested in seeking legal separation and possibly a divorce. But, he said he couldn’t make his mind up what he wanted to do. He wanted God’s will, but that He couldn’t figure out what that was right now.
The great thing for me is that God had already prepared me for this. God had already set my heart and mind ready to receive this, and I already knew this before D. even spoke.
On that Sunday, D. gave me a LONG and detailed letter listing all the reasons he didn’t want to stay married to me and be with the kids, and he gave me a small list of reasons he might like to stay with me and the kids. When I went to read the letter, God told me to scan it, not read it. For the lies listed there would enter my heart and affect me. So, I scanned the letter quickly, praying the whole time for God to be my shelter and shield to protect me from the lies of the devil – which were put on the pages of the letter.
After scanning the letter, I asked D. if he had prayed about this, and he replied that he had not, but that he was confused and had a hard time hearing anything from God. I tenderly reminded him of God’s blessings for staying married and working together in unity, and then I reminded him of God’s disdain for divorce and separation. D. said it wasn’t up for argument, but that it just was what it was.
When asked the REASON for wanting this separation and possible divorce, D. told me that he was not able to fulfill God’s vision for his life if he had a wife and kids in tow. His WHOLE reason, he said and still says, for leaving us is so he can do God’ s ministry work and to have more time to spend with God and doing the work of God. AHHH – what a liar that devil is! What a liar!
I could go more into this, but essentially, you get the idea.
I have to tell you, though this storm I am in has definitely been rough, God has truly been my rock. Each day during this time, God has given me a word for the day. My words have been: brokenness, peace, redemption, forgiveness, admiration, patience, anger, hope, praise, honor…. When I am at my lowest points at times, God has had a friend or my mother call me and encourage me. When I am at some of my loneliest moments, God has had someone come over for a visit or had one of my kids come up and hug me for no other reason that just to say “I love you, Mommy.”
A story – One night early on in this, I went to the bedroom to privately cry out to God quietly. I was so very lonely, and I cried out to God and begged him to forgive me of my selfishness. I told him that I was lonely, and though I KNEW that He was all I really ever needed, that I sure could use a hug and some physical affection. Immediately after my prayer time, Caleb (our two year old) came in the room, crawled in the bed with me, wrapped his little pudgy arms around my neck and squeezed as tight as he could. He then proceeded to kiss my face all over and say “I love you, Mommy. I love you, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.” I cried out to God in thanksgiving – thanking Him for using someone so small to bless me.
Another story – One day, as I lay in my prayer closet praying during my quiet time, I heard God convey to me that I needed to tell D., that if he wanted to leave, that he could leave. AHHHH! “How could I do this?” I asked God. “If I tell D. he can leave, I know he will leave. He’ll be glad to be free of me.” God still pressed me to tell him. At the end of my prayer time, I told God that if He truly wanted me to do that, He would have to give me boldness to do so.
I got up from my prayer time, and went to sit at my desk, and immediately my phone buzzed. It was my mother. She called and asked if I could check my email. I said, “no, not at work.” She said that I needed to read what she had sent me from Dr. James Dobson. She said that she had just heard him speak on what to do if a spouse wants to leave another spouse, and that he said I should tell D. that if he wanted to go, that I love him greatly and desired to be married to him, but that he was free to leave.
Right then, I knew it was God, and I had immediately had the boldness I needed (wrapped in love) to tell D. he was free to leave.
There have been many more miracles (not coincidences) that have happened in my life since then – from me finding just the right marriage counselor to me opening a Christmas present from my unsaved mother-in-law.
Quick story about my mother-in-law – While visiting with her in Missouri at Thanksgiving, we all decided to go shopping in an Amish store around St. Joseph, Missouri. In the store, I saw a magnificent wooden plate, decorate in my home’s country theme. The words on the plate read, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” This is what God has been teaching me this past year – to rejoice and give Him praise even in the storm. Praise You in This Storm! I commented at the time on what a beautiful plate it was and how much I loved that motto.
Well, Christmas Eve night, I opened the gift from my mother-in-law, and discovered that she had purchased, wrapped, and shipped me that wonderful plate. She had/has no idea of the storm I’m in right now, nor did she have any idea that I would be going through this. I HAD no idea at the time of our shopping excursion, that I would going through this storm right now. But, GOD did! God knew! When I opened the plate, I heard God whisper to me heart “I love you, Tamera. I love you so much that I care for even the smallest details. I will bless you no matter what D. decides. I will use others to bless you. This is how much I love you.”
I was so choked up, I had to put the plate down for a time, so as not to look at it and start sobbing. In fact I didn’t even look at the plate again until the next day. I did later get to spend time in my bedroom alone, so I could pour out my tears of joy and gratitude before I God – once again telling Him I was sorry for doubting Him, and how much I loved Him. God truly loves each one of us GREATLY! We just have to be willing to obey Him, and we will see His blessings unfold in unimaginable measures.
Honestly, this will be the hardest journey I've ever made, but it will be worth it in the end. I look forward to the hope God has given me of His many blessings as long as I obey and do my part in this.
I KNOW I cannot do this without Him.
He's already promised to bless me, but he promises that if I do this, I cannot even imagine the blessings that I will see. So, here I am - going to another level with God - one I have never been to before. I have placed myself on the altar and told God to do with me as He will. All for His glory - All for His glory!
He's already promised to bless me, but he promises that if I do this, I cannot even imagine the blessings that I will see. So, here I am - going to another level with God - one I have never been to before. I have placed myself on the altar and told God to do with me as He will. All for His glory - All for His glory!
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