Friday Night Again

Ugh – Friday Night Again

Since D.’s been gone, I’ve come to hate my Friday nights. I dread them really.  The boys are with D. each Friday night, and it stinks.

So, usually, I try to fill my Friday nights up with girl time with some other girls, or phone calls catching up with friends and such.  That seems to help fill up the empty spots, but really, I'd rather be with the boys on my Friday nights (I've missed them all week while they were at school), than I'd rather be with anyone else. 

 

For anyone who is considering divorce or separation, I ask you to reconsider.  It is soooooo hard.  Truly, it is like a death.  Ask God to show you how to make it work. Ask God for intervention and for a miracle. The devil is a liar, and he makes it look like it is the best way.  But, what God has put together, and the oath taken before Him should not be broken.  When you have become ONE before God, it is horrible to try to break it apart.  It hurts worse than any hurt there is, I think.

 I have been through a gamut of emotions on this journey.  Insecurities have popped up that were never there before. I lost confidence in men, and honestly, it is hard to trust that anyone could ever love me and be committed to me EVER, should God ever lead me down that path again.  And, I've lost some confidence in myself in some areas.  I mean, can I do this again? Could I even WANT to do this again?  Why would I? And, what was so wrong with me anyway, to cause this one man to leave? 

On another note, I’ve had to learn to trust God in a WHOLE new way that I never did before. I’ve had to let HIM met my EVERY need – even the ones D. should have been meeting (emotional, physical, financial…). And, my sweet boys have been radically and forever changed already. 

Joshua has lost confidence in people, and is so insecure when it comes to men.  He cries for his dad some nights, yet he never seems to want to spend the night at D.’s house.  He loves to spend time with his dad, but he always wants to come home after his time there. He thinks that he isn’t good enough and has become so insecure around guys.  Sometimes I hurt so deeply for him. 

Caleb has decided that he’s mad about everything.  He has become super clingy to me.  But, he is angry about everything.  He has resorted to hitting his brother – something he never did before. And, he has become rather “mouthy” about things, and shows a lot of disrespect to those in authority over him.

And me?  There are times I feel lost.  I mean I’ve been with this man for over 10 years. I think at times, “What could have been sooooo bad?” Well, really I’m over that question.  It doesn’t plague me so much anymore.  I’ve gotten over a lot of the anger I had at D.  And, I HAVE been angry at him for the pain he’s caused and the stupid decisions he’s made to leave and abandon his family – his wife and kids. “Why would you do this to someone?” I have thought. And, there are  times I just feel lost.

Healing - For healing and help getting through all this - I'm still going to see my "marriage" counselor - though I don't guess he's counseling me on my marriage anymore.  He's just helping me get through all this and giving me some guidance and good wisdom.  And, I'm reading a book right now entitled Healing is a Choice.  Great book, and I'm thankful that God led me to it.  

Discoveries - I’m rediscovering who I am without D. I have discovered that I dooo truly love to laugh. I love enjoying my life.  I have learned that riding horses was such a passion of mine, and that I absolutely still love riding.  I could easily become "addicted" to it again. I have also discovered that I LOVE to feed people.  I want to have them over, feed them, entertain them and show them tons of hospitality again.  

I have discovered that I LOVE to dance again, and I love to sing like crazy.  I do both separately and even at the same time around the house, like a fool. J

I have discovered that I don’t just love my job as a mom, but I want MORE kids to be a mom to.  I KNOW that God is going to use me to foster and adopt kids later on.  I can hardly wait until the day arrives for me to love on more and let God love on more kids through me.

It's not all bad! God has truly been amazing through all this, and it really isn’t all bad. 

I have discovered that I can love again. God will get me there, when He is ready.  I have had a glimpse of what my future looks like, and I have hope for a better tomorrow – only through Christ. I have watched as God supplies amazing Christian friends to lift my arms up when I grow weary, and I’ve learned that I CAN walk so close to God that He speaks amazingly loud and clearly to me. 

Even in my new insecurities, I have security in Him.  All the insecurities will be worked out, because HE will help me get through them. He will help me to continue to regain my footing and get it together.  When my feet continue to stay firmly planted on Him, I have security KNOWING that He holds me and my children and all our tomorrows in His hands. 

But it’s not easy. That’s for sure.  There are days I feel more emotionally needy than others – those days God supplies friends, it seems to come along and lift me up.  I’ve found on those days, that when I encourage others, I myself am encouraged.  I am lifted up.  

There are days when I feel free, like I can fly.  Then there are days, where I feel like I want to cry for I know this is not easy on my boys, and I do not look forward to what they have to deal with ahead in all this. Then there are days I am filled with such joy, that I could just jump from cloud to cloud in the sky, if joy were a jet pack to shoot me in the air.

My hope is the promise I hear from God that He will protect my children, and that though there will be scars, that He will use this for HIS glory.  I trust that He will, and that God will use me to lead them to Him. That they will be passionate about Him all their days and strive to serve Him and please Him in every area of their lives.  

My hope is that tomorrow will come, and that God has many blessings for me and my boys ahead. I just have to continue to trust Him and obey in each step He leads me to take.  

My hope is that He is going to use this all for His glory one day. 

That’s my hope.

Looking forward!

This much have I discovered!