Alone

It's been a while since I've posted - Okay - it's been almost 3 months. 

Sorry for the brief furlough.  It's been a busy 3 months. 

First, I had off for the summer with my boys. I was able to get that time off about 10 days before my last post, and I can honestly say I enjoyed EVERY part of my summer with the boys. We had a blast - fishing in the pond, jumping into muddy water, swimming at the local water park here, and just BEING together.  Just BEING.

In the last year, the boys and I have not just learned how to cope, but we have learned to live again.  It wasn't ideal.  It wasn't what we wanted. It wasn't our choice.  But, we have survived - at least this season anyway.

I know there is more to come. I know that more challenges are ahead.  I know that I will have to address issues later on that I don't have to right now while the boys are still young. But, I also know I serve a BIG God who knows that these issues will need to be addressed.  I know He will protect us and keep their hearts and minds.

Being single still has its challenges, but it isn't as bad as the original break was at first.  The wound has healed quite a bit.  And though there is still a scar, and it's still ugly red, it's a scar.  It's not a gaping, ugly, open wound that is fizzing puss and yuck.  It's just a scar that will fade with time.

I still love the man. I love him deeply, more deeply than I thought I had. 

I see him in many things and can hear his deep laughter that rolls out of his chest.  I see him in our Disney trips and can see the sweat pouring off his brow in this Florida heat. I can see him with his silly fanny pack and feel his exasperation that he is sweating so much.  I can hear him make jokes with the boys as they take their baths and hear him let the dog out and then lock up for the night.  I miss his logic with the kids and his down-to-earth mannerisms. I miss him at times (the good times and the good stuff), but I know that the good was only a handful compared to the bucket fulls of bad. 

Yet in all the missing -  I feel freedom.  I feel such freedom to move on.  I feel alive again and joyful again.  I feel God's hand greatly on my life as He guides me.

I'm far from perfect.  I have definitely made mistakes, but I am striving to do His will in everything. I am striving to get it right and be pleasing to Him.  And, I pray in the end that I will hear Him say, "Tamera, you did well.  And, I'm proud of you."

I pray He is proud of me - in learning to live again, love again, trust again, play again, run, dance, and sing again.  I pray He is proud of me - in just being.