What I Fear the Most Right Now

I'm just going to be real here.  I have lost some of my readers - which is a good thing.   I have wanted this blog to become more and more private, and God seems to have moved people along to their own busyness in life.  So, I'm feeling more and more at ease to feel like I can be raw here again.

Today is Friday - AGAIN! As I stated before, I have come to really despise my Fridays at times.  The boys are with their father, and I miss their constant "instrusions" in my life.  The "Mama, can you get me something to drink?" and the "Mama, will you read to me or play with me?" or even the screams of laughter that come from yet someone else tormenting the cat AGAIN.  I miss them.

But, I also miss companionship.  It is the one thing I think I fear the most right now- I fear NOT having the companionship.  I miss the companionship. I miss it!

I miss someone to share my day with.  I miss someone to vent my frustrations to from my day.  I miss someone to pick on or someone to pick on me.  I miss someone to cuddle with for a movie or someone to share the evening meal with.  I miss candlelit dinners and someone to parade around in front of in some lingerie.  (side note - I heard again yet ANOTHER woman today "proudly" state she didn't wear lingerie for her husband anymore.  She said, "I've been married 12 years.  I don't do lingerie anymore. He's going to just take it off anyway.  Why bother!"  I wanted to smack her. Oh HONEY! I could definitely educate you on a few things!  What a BORING marriage! Her poor husband.) At any rate, I miss someone's hand to hold.  I miss someone's gentle kiss on my cheek and warm lips on mine.  I miss the touch, the affection, the intimacy, the laugher, and the friendship.  I miss it all.  I even miss disagreeing on things and then making up afterwards.  I miss the warm arms to hold me at night and someone to lay my head on his chest.

It seems so unfair.  I tried so hard.  I tried so hard!

My cry tonight is, "Why me, God?  What did I do to deserve this?  I tried so hard.  I prayed, fasted, loved, accepted, and made SOOOO many sacrifices.  I worked on being lovely, attractive, and fascinating.  It just wasnt' good enough."  It's just not fair!

Why was my marriage SOOOO hard?  Why?

It's not supposed to be that hard!  I KNOW this!  Sure, there will be struggles in any marriage, but not like this.

Not like this!

I shake my head and sit pondering over it all.  What!  How!  Why!

And then comes the "Will it always be this way? Will I always long for that companionship?  For the laughter in the kitchen? For the cookie fights with flour, the playmate with the glass of cold ice water, and someone to zip up my dress?"

Well, God didn't put a desire in me  for companionship, not KNOWING that my husband was going to leave me.  God didn't put it in there, and say, "Well, you're just going to have to deal with it!" No, God gave me this desire. I have prayed and asked Him to remove it, but He continues to leave it.

In the meantime, I have my moments. I have moments of intense sadness and loneliness.  I have moments of missing my companion and someone to cook for.  I have moments of intense joy and freedom and dance around the kitchen like a crazy lady.  And, I have moments where it's just me and God slow dancing in the kitchen.  Beautiful moments, crazy moments, tender moments, and sad moments.  I have my moments.

I'm so glad God did not come for me to be bound up in the sticky legalism of it all, but for me to be set free.  His grace and mercy are great! I'm so glad I work for Him and not for some.  Whew!  He is a much easier boss, though He requires so much more from me.


Truly His grace IS sufficient EVEN in my moments!