The Why's - regarding the end of my marriage

I posted this earlier and had second thoughts, so I removed it.  But, I feel comfortable posting it now, and hope it does not offend. I hope that it instead helps some to better understand my why's a little better.

I received a letter from a dear friend of mine, and though I didn't agree with her, it stopped and made me think AGAIN and search God's heart AGAIN, asking for His direction AGAIN for His guidance and wisdom.  I later this week got even more clarity and understanding, and even MORE confirmation that the steps that I'm taking are in line with His will and plan.  But, I did want to post my response to my dear friend here regarding what I know I have heard from God about and know within my heart to be true.

Please note - some things have been omitted so as not to slander D., and others were omitted, because some things were just private between my friend and I.  But, I left most of the letter in tact.

Here's what I replied with:

Dear...,

I did much praying last night about your email, and I kept asking God to reveal to me if I did, in fact, have the same spirit as Ms. Peterson {see The Peterson's Blog that is being referenced to}. I asked God to search my heart and to show me any errors, to please reveal to me any crevices, I need Him to clean out, and to help me stay pure in Him.   This isn’t something I just prayed last night, as a one-time thing after your email, but it is my prayer I have lived by for over a year.  “God PLEASE show me any areas that need to be worked on or places You’d like to change. Help me see into the spiritual what You would have me see, so I could fight the battles with the spiritual weapons, You would have me to fight.”

Well, not long after I again prayed last night, the Lord showed me that I do NOT have the same spirit as Ms. Peterson.  She speaks with, as you said “a Mormon’s spirit” and twisted views.  She is not saved. I AM saved, AND I walk with the Holy Spirit’s presence and guidance in my life.  I pray in the Spirit almost daily, and am humble before my God to show me how to please Him in every area of my life – including my thoughts and actions.

I am sorry that you felt ... I was in the same spirit as her, but I have to tell you that I am not.  I did not give up on my marriage.  Not at all.  

Back in September, I sat with my pastor AND his wife, and told them that God had told me to let D. go after he informed me he was leaving, yet again.  They were both in agreement with me, but that we would continue to love on, pray for, and have hope that D. would return to Christ.  You see, D. left God. 

I’m not one of these “once saved, always saved” believers.  So, if that is what you believe, we are going to disagree on that right off, which is going to affect how you see me “letting D. go” as being a problem.  

D. and I have talked MUCH since September. He even knows and has said that if he died today, that he doesn’t know if he’d go to heaven. I have cried for him, and been so broken for him.  I do still love him {though my love is not the same of romantic feelings or even as one who is joined to another.  It is as love of one who is lost and who needs to find their way back to God} and am praying for him.  But, I am NOT praying for my marriage. 

I have asked God, since the time He told me to let D. go, if He would ask me to take Him back again, should D. give His heart and life back to God.  For, honestly, in my natural self, this scares me a lot.  There have been times that I have thought I almost couldn’t breathe, thinking that God would ask me to take D. back again.  And, there have been times, I have wanted to throw up, thinking that D. would ever touch me intimately again, {part omitted, so as not to slander D.}.  But, God has also shown me that should He ever ask me to take D. back again, that it would be a blessing to me.  That He would send D. back to me healed and saved!

I trust God for D.’s salvation and that God would have mercy on him.  That God would soften His heart, and not let Him stray so far that He will not return.  That God would have mercy on Him! But, I am not praying him back into a marriage with me.

One Sunday while I was sitting in church, listening to my pastor’s sermon, the Lord spoke to me and told me that He was going to strip D. of the blessings HE had given D. – his family, his money, and so much more.  See, D. is very prideful about His money.  It is his treasure, where his heart lay. {Part omitted, so as not to slander D.}

 – At any rate, when I heard God tell me that he would strip D. of the blessings HE had given D., I cried out to God with, “No, please don’t do this to him.  Have mercy on him please. This is too painful.” But, God told me that it is was IN HIS MERCY and it was because He was merciful that we would be stripping D. of His blessings.  He said that D. would not come back to Him, unless He lost what he treasured.  I was broken for D., yet once again. 

Dear ...,  I know you have only seen and heard a small glimpse of my heart and only know a little of what is going on here. But, really you don’t see the whole picture.  I , myself, continually ask God to show me the whole picture, and I’m right in the middle of it – well, God is really, but you get the idea. 

Are there times I fail and make stupid mistakes? Sure!  I’m human.  I do have moments where I walk in my flesh.  Do I have moments where I wish I could go back and undo certain things?  Yes. Who doesn’t? 

But, I am thankful that my God is merciful enough and loving enough to gently chastise me and show me the right way.  He even helps me out of messes that I might have helped to create. 

Am I hoping for a brighter future?  Absolutely!  Do I hope that there might be a possible mate in that future?  I sure hope so, for I do not want to live the rest of this life without a partner to share it with and to do God’s tasks with.  But, I am not looking, and I’m not even open right now to that.   I am not available, and will not be for some time. I am very much committed to God and HIS purpose and plan for my life.  If that means me being single the rest of my life, as I go about His will and purpose, then so be it. 

I do know and feel released from D.  I have talked with my counselor, my pastors, and my best friend (who is a powerful praying mama!), and all are in agreement with me on this. 

....

But, I will not let go of what I know God has told me. I will not let go of the promises He has given me. I will not let go of the vision He has given me and even the things He has confirmed.... 

I understand you and your family do believe in the “married for life – no matter what” thing.  And, honestly, ... I have stood with D. through so much {not going to list it here}.  I KNOW I could have stood for my marriage and with D. through a lot.  But, I also know that the Bible tells me to let him leave, if he so chooses.  I did not push him away or wish him away.  I was broken when he said he was leaving, yet again.  But, I will not hold onto him, when God said to let him go. 

And, I know that I am not bound to him anymore.  I know that I know that I know that. 

Again, should God ask me to take him back, I will. I will, because I serve my God.  I love Him, and will lay my SELF down for Him – as I have done so many times before, and as I did just recently with my good friend.  My life is not my own, and I have to crucify my flesh daily.   

I do not live for me, though I do at times mess up and put me first.  But, I am committed to continuing to let HIM work on me and to perfect me into all He would have me to be.   I doubt that Ms. Peterson is doing that! J

Again, I’m sorry we are probably going to disagree here.  Even from the first, when God told me to let D. go, I thought of you and your family – mainly you. J  I was so upset with God, because I believed you would disagree with me so strongly here on this.  I did not want to be at odds with you, or lose a possible friendship. It hurt me.  So, I went over and over the scriptures.  I asked for wise counsel. I looked at the Greek and Hebrew meanings of the word “bound.”  I looked and looked and looked. I tried to reason away what God was telling me. I tried to look at it from your prospective.  And each time, I did, I ended up in such turmoil. I was stressed out and quite upset.  But, then each time I would let it go and just say, “Okay, God, your will be done. I release this back to you,” I immediately felt at peace.

I don’t know what else to tell you except,... only God can judge my motives.  He DOES know my heart, and the place where I am so humble before Him that I would give up everything for whatever He had me to do.  I give it all to Him.  And, any area where He sees I have not completely surrendered, I ask that He show me that area and help me surrender that also. 

I know God is blessing me for keeping myself pure, for giving Him my heart, and for trusting Him.  And, I know He will continue to bless me and my children for that in the days ahead.  What those days hold,  I do not know.  But, I do know that as I strive to obey Him, trust in Him, and work to please Him, that He will direct my paths and lead me in the way everlasting. 

Again, I don’t think Ms. Peterson does that. J

Know that I love you all, and pray that God would bless you and guide you as you work to know and do His will in everything you do.

Many blessing,

TJ