Day Thirty Four - Finally Some Peace

Anxiety

Have you ever known anyone who had an anxiety attack?  Have you ever had one?  Well, I can tell you, it can be one of the most terrifying experiences you could ever have.

The First Time
Only twice in my life have I ever experienced one.  My first was when I changed birth control pills early in my marriage (before I knew that birth control was bad for women AND actually caused many early "abortions"). I swapped pills, because the brand I had been taking had been discontinued, so I moved to something else.  In just a day, I remember that my world seemed to close in on me, and I felt like everything was coming crashing down around me. 

I didn't understand what was happening at the time, and I remember that D. didn't understand me either.  He just got very frustrated with me as I sat and cried in the  middle of our living room.  *Remember that I'm not a huge crier, so my tears were a surprise to him.  He didn't know how to handle it or what to do with it, so he just got angry with me and told me to get it together.

Not knowing what to do, I called my mother, who asked me several questions, and then she wisely told me to stop taking the birth control pills and go crawl in bed and wrap up.  I did just that, and within a few hours I was fine.  And, I've never had one since then - until today. 

The Second Time
Well, I almost had one today.  I knew it was coming, and knew what it was - I prayed diligently against it.  In fact, I've been praying most of the day. I've spent TONS of time in prayer today.  But, the anxiety was there anyway.  Anxiety over what once was and what was not going to be. Anxiety over a friendship lost, and over thinking that I was going to have to walk the rest of this road by myself. Anxiety over losing something special, and anxiety over someone being upset with me.  Anxiety over not being able to get everything done that needs to be done, and anxiety over having more on my plate than I felt I could handle.  Tons of anxiety. 

Now, we all know that anxiety isn't from God - but there are times it still comes. And, today was one of those days.

I didn't have an all out full blown anxiety attack or anything, but I knew that it was coming.  So, praying about it, asking God for wisdom and some SERIOUS help here, and then taking many DEEP breaths, I decided to grab the boys and get out of the house.  Keys in hand, I quickly grabbed some money and my purse, and ushered the boys to the car.  

A Friend's Encouragement
After we got on the road, I called my friend J. to get her to pray with me, for I truly felt like I couldn't breath and that I was going to lose it.  She answered right away (thank God for that), and then listened as I told her quickly what I was experiencing, and then asked her to pray for me.  She said that she would pray, but that she wanted to tell me something first. 

What she told me was what God had already told me earlier today, when I first began expereincing the severe anxiety.  She said that since December, that other things and people in my life and had been numbing the pain of this divorce and all that it brought with it.  I had been leaning on someone else as a crutch to get through this, and now that that person was removed from my inner circle, that I was feeling the effects of it all coming down on me.  And, though it seemed like the world was crashing down on me, it really wasn't.  And, I WAS going to get through this.  God has been and WAS going to bless me for my obedience, and I be blown away by what He was going to do in and with my life.

Then she prayed for me.  She prayed that God would give me peace - sustaining peace.  

Since our talk, and her prayer, I have felt it - peace, that is.  It is almost as if a HUGE burden has been lifted.  I have done my part. I have given my all - all that I know to give.  And, I have done as I was asked.  My heart serves Him cheerfully, though it hurts at times. But, the burden of the loss has been lifted.  

Even tonight, as I walked in Lowe's to get yet more supplies for this bunk bed project, I felt so much freer.  I know that it will get easier in the days to come.  I am on the downward slope now.  I know that.  And, I look forward to what HE has for me tomorrow. 

Day Thirty Three - Just being Raw Here

Today - Day Thirty Three 


Wow!  It has been an amazing journey - one filled with MUCH pain and cleansing, yet such insight into things.  So much revelation and the goodness of God.  


Today was another HARD day for me.  Yet, God was so faithful and blessed me with much encouragement.

Morning - A Beautiful Wedding
It started with me being able to watch the beautiful wedding of Prince William and Princess Kate.  My friend S. posted on her Facebook, "Today a commoner becomes royalty...the story of every Christ follower."  Wow, what a powerful analogy of what we become when we become children of Almighty Most High God and King, when we give Him our lives and make Him Lord of them.  I am royalty!
The boys woke a little later than normal, but they joined me in the big overstuffed leather recliner in the living room to finish watching the rest of the wedding procession and watch for the sweet kiss between the royal couple.  Caleb was so sweet in looking for the kiss, and then he wanted to practice it afterwards.  :)  I told him "no," but that he could practice it all he wanted to when he got married one day. 


Noon Time - Power Talk with Gail
Next came a powerfully anointed meeting with Gail Ross of Testimonies of Triumph.  I was so blessed to be able to sit and talk with her and glean from just her knowledge and her walk with the Lord.  What an honor!
We talked about D. and where things were with him.  She said she could sense such a strength, and she was in awe of what I had walked through and the obedience to God that I had lived in the last 11 years (11 years next Friday, in fact). 

I told her that I felt strongly that I would be writing a book one day, but I didn't know yet where I'd start with it, and that a friend of mine who flows in the prophetic even told me that she saw me writing books one day.  Gail said, "yes, but I don't just see one book for you. I see a series of healing books that you're going to be writing."  A series? Personally, I'd just like to see the one book get finished first.  :) 


Next we talked about where everything is with the divorce and some of what D has been doing and been involved in.  


She told me, "I have to be careful when I say this, but I have to tell you something that my husband told me right before I came here."  
She said, "My husband walked me out to the car, and as I was about to leave, he said, 'You're going to tell her to move on, aren't you?'" 
She said, "What? What does that mean? Why would I tell her that?"  
He replied, "I don't know. I just hear in me that she is supposed to 'move on.'" 


"Thank you, God." I thought as I sat there.


I praised Him right then for the Word that so lined up with what I was hearing from him in my heart. 


Now - for some of you who think this is blasphemous and soooo contrary to what God would say, this is what I have to say, "I'm sorry you feel this way.  I'm sorry for you.  So much so, that words can not even express how sorry I am for you. I AM walking in the freedom of what called has called me to be.  I have tried to obey in EVERY instance that He has called me to obedience, and I seek to please Him in EVERY area of my life. I have had confirmation from Him on this divorce time and time again.  I have a great peace in knowing that I am obeying Him and living for Him.  I rest in the knowledge that HE has my back, and it is to HIM I will answer to some day.  And we'll leave it at that."


Moving On
I do not believe that moving on means for me to move on to another guy, or for me to be open to possibly getting married again. But, I DO believe that moving on means that I am supposed to get on with my life without D in it.  I DO believe that I am not supposed to sit and wallow in self pity, and I do believe that part of that "move on" message was about my friend too. It was about me moving on from a special friendship that was severed on Wednesday.  

I'm not sure exactly where God would have me do the moving on to, but I do believe that He will tell me when and where to move.  He directs my paths and speaks to me as to what, where, and who.  I'm just here as His willing vessel.  As Samuel said, "Speak Lord, You're servant is listening." - 1 Samuel 3:7-10




Afternoon - More Grief , but Healing Comes
While cleaning and working yesterday afternoon, the grief over the loss of my friendship hit me once again.  So much so that it sent me to my knees.  I literally laid over my couch and wept giant tears, in pain over this loss.  I cried out to God saying, "What you have asked of me is too hard. It is too much for me to bear. I can not do this.  Oh God, please do not do this.  You have asked too much of me."

I lay and wept for some time, and then God spoke and said, "Call your friend S."  What? My reply was, "Well, God, you know she's busy, and she's got things to do. She has family time right now.  She doesn't want to hear from me right now."
And God responded, "Call her."
So, I did. 

How wonderful that she picked up her phone on one of the first few rings. I was just going to leave her a message, but she picked up! Relief and joy flooded my spirit.  I KNEW God was going to give me help here. 


So, we chatted for a bit about her pregnancy and some things that were going on with her.  Then, I told her some of the things I was dealing with (no names listed), and told her that I was really struggling here. I HAD given up what God had told me to give up, but it was hard.  Very hard today.

She was so sweet and said, "If God wants you to have it back later, He'll give it back to you.  But, sometimes God doesn't even want us to have it back.  Sometimes, He helps us get through it, and then we look back later and wonder, 'Why did I even think I needed that in the first place? I didn't need that at all. What was I thinking?'"

Wow - I hadn't thought of it like that, really. 


I told her a little bit about my friend's negative response to it all, and S. said, "Well, that just goes to show you the maturity level of your friend and where they are in their walk with God."

*Eye opener* - She was so right - in so many ways, I could not even tell her.  Ay yi yi! *Mouth shut here, because I don't want to offend.*


But, truly S. was and is right.  My friend's Christian maturity isn't "there" yet.  It is getting there, but has such a ways to go.

And S.'s words of truth and insight were so good and brought more healing to me.

Evening - Time at the Ladies' Bible Study
Now, just because brought insight that afternoon, does not mean that there aren't painful times later that don't come.  There are more painful times to come.  Even on the way to the Bible study, I cried some more. (Truly, I have cried more over this stupid thing, than I have over ANYTHING in years!)  CRAZINESS! But, it has brought me so much closer to God.  It has caused me to cling to Him and to earnestly yield to Him - even though it can be painful.  I have come to see that I CAN obey, and I have greater confidence of WHO God is in me. I have great confidence of Him in me!

I DID manage to cry my way most of the way to the Bible study. But, I know it's just part of the process of cleansing and surrendering to Him.  Again, I told God that this was too hard for me, and that He wasn't playing fair (yes, I was acting like a spoiled brat.  But, I was having a moment). But, God again reminded me that He had my back, and as I continued to surrender this to Him that He would bless me and give me my heart's desires - and that I would see amazing breakthroughs in my life.  


He also brought back to mind my sweet friend S.'s words of truth.  Revelation!  Thank you Lord, for Revelation!


The Bible Study was amazing and anointed.  God used me and my testimony to bless other ladies there.  And, I'm honored that He would do such.  I am TRULY honored to be His servant.

We prayed for D. again while there. We prayed that D. would surrender to God and come back to Him quickly, and that God would move in His life.  We prayed earnestly for his soul and that God would have mercy on him. 

I'm honored to know these ladies, and was so blessed by their prayers for me.  What a blessing to be able to encourage each other in the Lord.

Well, that's all for now on my day!

Until tomorrow!

Day Thirty Two - The end of a Friendship

I'm going to make this one short, since I'm catching up on the back log of the last few days.  


I did what God asked me to do in giving up a special friend of mine, and through some hurt feelings on my friend's part and some words that were hard for me to hear - it appears that our friendship is over.  Which is a good thing, and I know that it is what God wanted.  For He asked me to end it, and so it is done.


My friend does not understand it right now, but God has greater things in store.  TRULY greater things. I KNOW this!

The sacrifice was hard.  While it has been painful - VERY painful - I feel a freedom in it.  I feel released and ready to move forward to the goodness of what God has ahead. 


On Thursday (Day Thirty Two), though it was hard, there was peace.   And, I'm very thankful to my God for it.  

Psalm 119:165-168 

165. Those who love your instructions have great peace

      and do not stumble.

 166. I long for your rescue, Lord,

      so I have obeyed your commands.

 167. I have obeyed your laws,

      for I love them very much.

 168. Yes, I obey your commandments and laws

      because you know everything I do.

And, I DO have peace, knowing that HE holds my all my tomorrows in His hand.  My destiny is set, and I'm excited to see what HE has ahead of me. 

Day Thirty One - A Fresh Word - Give it Up

A new Word - fresh Word today, given by a sweet friend of mine.  I felt the presence of God so thick as she spoke and prayed, that I broke down and cried (something I do only on rare occassions).  But, God's voice and His Glory was made so manifest, that I could not stop my tears, that fell in a torrential downpour.  I was overcome with the ripping being done in my heart and of all that God was doing in me as I sat in the middle of my floor and listened to Him. Listened to His truth, and submitted to Him once again. 

This is what God spoke through her to me

 "Give it up.  Give him up. If I have him in My plans for you, then he won't be kept from you.  If I don't, then he was never yours to begin with.  Now is not the time.  The door is there, but you can't open it until you give him up.  On the other side is beauty and many blessings.  But, you have to let him go.  You can't hold on to him, if you want my best and my blessings.  Great will be your reward.  

This is your "Isaac Sacrifice."  I will give him back to you, if he is my best for you.  Nothing can keep my best from you.  Everything that comes into your life, whether good or bad, passes before my eyes.  Nothing comes into your life without my approval first. Nothing and no one touches you without my approval.  Trust in me and lean on me.  I AM going to pour out my blessings on you - greater than you can even imagine.  Give him up."

So, today I laid him back on the altar again.  I thought this 40 days was all God would ask of me, but He is asking more from me.  He is asking me to give him up  - for what time period, I can not tell you.

Today was a ripping and tearing of my heart, that began 31 days ago - but today was the day of a breakage, that I was not expecting. I was not expecting God to say this at all.  Yet, here it is.  And, I am at peace.  I am at such a peace.

God does and WILL work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  I trust in Him and have hope that this will not last forever.  I have hope that tomorrow will come and that today is a day of new beginnings.

How my God does love me and wants good things for me and His people.  But, we can not hold onto things that aren't ours.  We have to wait on His timing.

Where I once walked in fear of being asked something that was too hard for me- God says not to fear.  IF He has it for me, then it will be.  His will is good, and His mercy is new every morning.  I rejoice in knowing that He holds me in His hands.  

So, today, I gave him up.

Until tomorrow,

Day Thirty - His Response to the Letter

Well, I wrote the letter to D.  I felt such a peace in writing it, and KNEW that it was what I was supposed to do. I had no reassurances from God that anything would come of it, but I wrote it anyway. I obeyed!

In the letter I told him again that I did love him and prayed for him daily, and that I believed it was God's perfect will that we reconciled and had a good marriage.  I told him that God had put him on my heart again to pray for him, and that I did not want to get a divorce. 

I also apologized for not accepting him as I should have and for not loving him in the way he needed me to love him.  Well, I apologized for more things too, but I don't think I want to go into the whole letter here.

To keep it short today (since I'm writing yesterday's posting, today), I'll get to D.'s response.  He told me he thought the letter was nice, but that we were over and he had no desire to EVER be with me again.  He said he KNEW it wouldn't work with us and that he was moving on.  He told me a lot more things in the letter too, but I don't want to go through those here either. 

He really is very lost and has become very twisted in his thinking.  His mind seems to be getting worse and worse, and though he seems to be in the acceptance part of this divorce, he seems to be more depressed than ever.

My heart hurts for him (not in a longing fashion, because really I do not long for or want to be with this man again), but my heart hurts because I see him cause his own suffering and getting worse.  He really seems to be getting more and more depressed, and his mindset concerns me for his well-being at times. 

I did greatly love this man, even when he treated me so poorly. I chose to love him anyway.  I care for him and DO want him to be blessed and for good things to come to him.

In the letter spoke blessings over his life (God says to pray for those who persecute you and bless those who curse you), and I told him that I pray God has mercy on him and blesses him immensely. 
I don't know what is going to happen to D.  I do know that God has me in His hands and is blessing me daily.  He has promised to care for and keep me and the boys protected and close in His hands.  He will lead me as I go along.  I pray that I will have the boldness to follow - wherever that may be!