Update on My Storm - part 1 (John Bevere)

It's been a little over a week, since I've blogged here.  I can hardly believe it. 

I've started several posts this week, but haven't finished them.  Maybe at a later time I'll go back and add them in.  But, for now, I'll leave them.

The past week has truly been, as some say "an emotional roller coaster." There is much to write about - so I'm going to do it in parts. I hope to get it done by the end of the day, but we'll just see.

It started last Saturday with some advice from a friend of mine, that I didn't like hearing.  It irritated me quite a bit, and caused me to be stirred up a lot.  More praying!

Then, on Sunday, John Bevere ministered at our evening service.  The presence of God fell rather radically in the place, and God prompted me to pray for D.'s soul and ask him once more to come to church to hear John Bevere preach the next night.

I left the church that night upset that I was being asked by God to do this.  But, I did it anyway.  I spoke against any demonic spirits that were keeping him bound, and I commanded them to leave him.  I spoke with authority to the bondages in his life to be removed, and prayed that his heart would get cracks in it - enough to allow slivers of light and God back into his life. I prayed and spoke against things that were holding him tight and that were keeping him from hearing God - I prayed this all the way to D.'s place (he had the boys - I was going to pick them up).

When I got there, I laid my hand on his door before going in, and I commanded the demonic influences there to move back, for the Holy Spirit walked with me, and HE was coming in with me!

I knocked on the door, and felt such peace as I walked in. I knew that God was about to speak through me into Dave. So, I went in and sat down. I NEVER sit down on D's furniture at his place, but on Sunday night, I KNEW I was supposed to sit.

D. looked at me a little confused, but I just grabbed my 3 year old and began putting his socks on him.  Then D. asked, "How did church go?"  I told him it went well, and then I looked him squarely in the eye.  With a quiet boldness I added, "You're supposed to go with me tomorrow night." (This was not something, in my flesh, that I wanted him to do either). *There was a like a war within my own self, between my spirit and my flesh, over this whole thing, but I KNEW I was supposed to do this.*

At any rate, I told him that I knew and he knew that he was lost, that he was miserable, and that he was SEARCHING and just HOPING that someone would come along and show him/tell him what he was supposed to do.  I told him that the glory of God was in that church that night, and you go where the glory is to get revelation.  For where the presence of God is, there is liberty and revelation. 

He hesitated a moment, but he finally accepted, saying he'd go.

That night I went home torn.  I KNEW that he was going to get revelation, and that God was going to change him.  I KNEW that if God changed him, that D. would want to try to reconcile. Do I need to repeat again how much I do not want this!

The next morning, my mother so wonderfully kept my kids for me, so I could have some quiet time to pray and think. I prayed all morning. Even while I was at the grocery store, I prayed.

In my prayers, I cried out to God and BEGGED Him to please not ask me to take D. back. At one point I was standing at a window, pleading with God, and I cried out so earnestly from the depths of my soul, that I could not even remain standing. I was broken and begging. I was like the lady who went before the judge praying, asking, pleading earnestly. I  plead that if my God truly was the God of mercy, that He would look at all my sacrifices, all my obedience, and at my heart and in His mercy please not ask me to take D. back. 

Now some might not understand this who have not been through what I've been through.  There has been so much hurt.  See, not only did D. abandon me and the boys, but he also left me financially crippled.  I have had to pinch pennies like never before. I have had to pick up another part time job on top of the full time (50+ hour a week) job I already work, to make ends meet.  I even had to quit paying my house payment, just so I could pay financial attorney's fees, because I couldn't pay everything. 

Then, to add "icing" to it all, about once a week D. would send me emails that would lambaste me as a person.  There have been many times over the last few months, that I would have to tell him that I was not reading his emails anymore that week or that day, because they got to be so bad. 

He has lived for his SELF, for quite some time.  So, last September, when God told me to let him go, I did so - GLADLY! 

Now, it seemed, though, that God was asking me to intercede heavily for him.  Why? My only rational was that God was about to change him, and that meant D. would be coming back to this marriage.

So on Monday, I plead with God to have mercy on me and not ask me to take D. back.  After some time of what I call the "ugly cry," I heard God assuredly, firmly, and quietly say, "I will not ask you to take him back.  If he comes back and I give him back to you, you will WANT him to come back.  You will WANT him back."  I cried again.  This time in joy.  I felt such a release. 

"I don't have to take him back.  God isn't going to ask that of me? Really? Thank you, God!" 

Now, I wasn't upset that D. was coming to church, and that God might do something so radical in him that I might be asked to take him back.  Now, I was just nervous that he was coming to church.  I was nervous that I was going to have to sing in front of him (I'm on the worship team at my church).  So, I prayed that God would help D. see God in me.  That D. wouldn't even see me, but see God.  I prayed that I would be able to worship with my mind on God only, not on the fact that D. was there.

During worship practice before the service, there were many times I thought I'd crumple in tears. My heart was still heavy.  I just knew that if I was going to cry this easily in just the worship PRACTICE, that I would cry even easier in the service, once the presence of God descended so heavily on the place.

But, it wasn't to be that way. When I walked back on the platform Monday night to sing with the worship team, God filled me with amazing joy!  I was so full of joy, there were times, I had to actually put the microphone down to my side, because I couldn't stop laughing.  I was amazed at such joy!  Wow!

The service was amazing.  Many people were touched.  The presence of God came in the room in such a way, that you could almost touch it.  It was THICK!

Yet, D. still seemed to remain hard-hearted through the service.  Even at the end, when over 70% of the people stood who wanted to walk in the fear of God, who haven't been as they should, D. still didn't stand.  He was sooooo very cold and hard through the service.  He walked out of there, as if nothing had changed!  

BUT God!  -more to come in part 2

The Why's - regarding the end of my marriage

I posted this earlier and had second thoughts, so I removed it.  But, I feel comfortable posting it now, and hope it does not offend. I hope that it instead helps some to better understand my why's a little better.

I received a letter from a dear friend of mine, and though I didn't agree with her, it stopped and made me think AGAIN and search God's heart AGAIN, asking for His direction AGAIN for His guidance and wisdom.  I later this week got even more clarity and understanding, and even MORE confirmation that the steps that I'm taking are in line with His will and plan.  But, I did want to post my response to my dear friend here regarding what I know I have heard from God about and know within my heart to be true.

Please note - some things have been omitted so as not to slander D., and others were omitted, because some things were just private between my friend and I.  But, I left most of the letter in tact.

Here's what I replied with:

Dear...,

I did much praying last night about your email, and I kept asking God to reveal to me if I did, in fact, have the same spirit as Ms. Peterson {see The Peterson's Blog that is being referenced to}. I asked God to search my heart and to show me any errors, to please reveal to me any crevices, I need Him to clean out, and to help me stay pure in Him.   This isn’t something I just prayed last night, as a one-time thing after your email, but it is my prayer I have lived by for over a year.  “God PLEASE show me any areas that need to be worked on or places You’d like to change. Help me see into the spiritual what You would have me see, so I could fight the battles with the spiritual weapons, You would have me to fight.”

Well, not long after I again prayed last night, the Lord showed me that I do NOT have the same spirit as Ms. Peterson.  She speaks with, as you said “a Mormon’s spirit” and twisted views.  She is not saved. I AM saved, AND I walk with the Holy Spirit’s presence and guidance in my life.  I pray in the Spirit almost daily, and am humble before my God to show me how to please Him in every area of my life – including my thoughts and actions.

I am sorry that you felt ... I was in the same spirit as her, but I have to tell you that I am not.  I did not give up on my marriage.  Not at all.  

Back in September, I sat with my pastor AND his wife, and told them that God had told me to let D. go after he informed me he was leaving, yet again.  They were both in agreement with me, but that we would continue to love on, pray for, and have hope that D. would return to Christ.  You see, D. left God. 

I’m not one of these “once saved, always saved” believers.  So, if that is what you believe, we are going to disagree on that right off, which is going to affect how you see me “letting D. go” as being a problem.  

D. and I have talked MUCH since September. He even knows and has said that if he died today, that he doesn’t know if he’d go to heaven. I have cried for him, and been so broken for him.  I do still love him {though my love is not the same of romantic feelings or even as one who is joined to another.  It is as love of one who is lost and who needs to find their way back to God} and am praying for him.  But, I am NOT praying for my marriage. 

I have asked God, since the time He told me to let D. go, if He would ask me to take Him back again, should D. give His heart and life back to God.  For, honestly, in my natural self, this scares me a lot.  There have been times that I have thought I almost couldn’t breathe, thinking that God would ask me to take D. back again.  And, there have been times, I have wanted to throw up, thinking that D. would ever touch me intimately again, {part omitted, so as not to slander D.}.  But, God has also shown me that should He ever ask me to take D. back again, that it would be a blessing to me.  That He would send D. back to me healed and saved!

I trust God for D.’s salvation and that God would have mercy on him.  That God would soften His heart, and not let Him stray so far that He will not return.  That God would have mercy on Him! But, I am not praying him back into a marriage with me.

One Sunday while I was sitting in church, listening to my pastor’s sermon, the Lord spoke to me and told me that He was going to strip D. of the blessings HE had given D. – his family, his money, and so much more.  See, D. is very prideful about His money.  It is his treasure, where his heart lay. {Part omitted, so as not to slander D.}

 – At any rate, when I heard God tell me that he would strip D. of the blessings HE had given D., I cried out to God with, “No, please don’t do this to him.  Have mercy on him please. This is too painful.” But, God told me that it is was IN HIS MERCY and it was because He was merciful that we would be stripping D. of His blessings.  He said that D. would not come back to Him, unless He lost what he treasured.  I was broken for D., yet once again. 

Dear ...,  I know you have only seen and heard a small glimpse of my heart and only know a little of what is going on here. But, really you don’t see the whole picture.  I , myself, continually ask God to show me the whole picture, and I’m right in the middle of it – well, God is really, but you get the idea. 

Are there times I fail and make stupid mistakes? Sure!  I’m human.  I do have moments where I walk in my flesh.  Do I have moments where I wish I could go back and undo certain things?  Yes. Who doesn’t? 

But, I am thankful that my God is merciful enough and loving enough to gently chastise me and show me the right way.  He even helps me out of messes that I might have helped to create. 

Am I hoping for a brighter future?  Absolutely!  Do I hope that there might be a possible mate in that future?  I sure hope so, for I do not want to live the rest of this life without a partner to share it with and to do God’s tasks with.  But, I am not looking, and I’m not even open right now to that.   I am not available, and will not be for some time. I am very much committed to God and HIS purpose and plan for my life.  If that means me being single the rest of my life, as I go about His will and purpose, then so be it. 

I do know and feel released from D.  I have talked with my counselor, my pastors, and my best friend (who is a powerful praying mama!), and all are in agreement with me on this. 

....

But, I will not let go of what I know God has told me. I will not let go of the promises He has given me. I will not let go of the vision He has given me and even the things He has confirmed.... 

I understand you and your family do believe in the “married for life – no matter what” thing.  And, honestly, ... I have stood with D. through so much {not going to list it here}.  I KNOW I could have stood for my marriage and with D. through a lot.  But, I also know that the Bible tells me to let him leave, if he so chooses.  I did not push him away or wish him away.  I was broken when he said he was leaving, yet again.  But, I will not hold onto him, when God said to let him go. 

And, I know that I am not bound to him anymore.  I know that I know that I know that. 

Again, should God ask me to take him back, I will. I will, because I serve my God.  I love Him, and will lay my SELF down for Him – as I have done so many times before, and as I did just recently with my good friend.  My life is not my own, and I have to crucify my flesh daily.   

I do not live for me, though I do at times mess up and put me first.  But, I am committed to continuing to let HIM work on me and to perfect me into all He would have me to be.   I doubt that Ms. Peterson is doing that! J

Again, I’m sorry we are probably going to disagree here.  Even from the first, when God told me to let D. go, I thought of you and your family – mainly you. J  I was so upset with God, because I believed you would disagree with me so strongly here on this.  I did not want to be at odds with you, or lose a possible friendship. It hurt me.  So, I went over and over the scriptures.  I asked for wise counsel. I looked at the Greek and Hebrew meanings of the word “bound.”  I looked and looked and looked. I tried to reason away what God was telling me. I tried to look at it from your prospective.  And each time, I did, I ended up in such turmoil. I was stressed out and quite upset.  But, then each time I would let it go and just say, “Okay, God, your will be done. I release this back to you,” I immediately felt at peace.

I don’t know what else to tell you except,... only God can judge my motives.  He DOES know my heart, and the place where I am so humble before Him that I would give up everything for whatever He had me to do.  I give it all to Him.  And, any area where He sees I have not completely surrendered, I ask that He show me that area and help me surrender that also. 

I know God is blessing me for keeping myself pure, for giving Him my heart, and for trusting Him.  And, I know He will continue to bless me and my children for that in the days ahead.  What those days hold,  I do not know.  But, I do know that as I strive to obey Him, trust in Him, and work to please Him, that He will direct my paths and lead me in the way everlasting. 

Again, I don’t think Ms. Peterson does that. J

Know that I love you all, and pray that God would bless you and guide you as you work to know and do His will in everything you do.

Many blessing,

TJ

Funny Moment (on streets) - Brought to you by Caleb

My parents just got back in town last night, and knew I was going to have Caleb at the church while I practiced. So, they kindly offered to drive 25 minutes out of their way to come down and pick him up from the church where I was practicing.  They say there were "helping out", but I REALLY think they wanted to get some lovin' from the little cuddle bug!

At any rate - they came all the way down to the church in their big Semi! What a way to get a ride home!
Caleb was proud as a peacock to be riding home in his Memaw and Papaw's eighteen wheeler.  Mom said he rode in the back on the way home, and that my dad told him that when they got to their street (they live in a small subdivision right across the street from me) that he could sit in his Papaw's lap and "drive."

Now, don't go getting all stuffy on me- I KNOW this isn't legal! But, it was on a SMALL subdivision that doesn't get much traffic through it, so....

Well, all the way home, Caleb would ask here and there, "Is that our street? Is that one our street? How bout this one? Is that one our street?"  My dad would reply, "No, but we'll be there soon."

Finally, Caleb spoke up and said, "Well, this might not be our street that we live on, but this IS someone's street!"

Guess he thought that since it was someone's street, that he should be able to drive then.  :)  Ha ha ha - He just keeps em' coming!

Husbands: Headship Means Taking the Lead in Reconciliation

I don't speak on this much really - even on my old blog - basically, because I'm not a guy. But, I found this great article that I liked and had so wished my husband had read in my own marriage. I would never have shown it to him, I think, because I wouldn't have wanted to be disrespectful. But, the article is so true. If more husbands did this, how many marriages would be better or even saved?

Click below

Husbands: Headship Means Taking the Lead in Reconciliation

Just a Funny Moment- Brought to you by Caleb

WARNING: This could be TMI for some of you, so avoid reading if you think it might be.

Okay - so I was sitting on the pot (toilet, john, commode) the other day, and Caleb (who is learning to knock, still) walked in.  He looks at me and says, "Mommy, I need to go poop."  

I replied, "Well, I'm sorta trying to do that now, so you'll have to wait.  And, I'm having a hard time doing it because you're in here.  So please get out. I need some privacy."

He looked at me with curiosity, then very seriously said, "Well, Mommy, you need to close your eyes, push real hard like this (he demonstrates by squinting his eyes and getting in a 3 year old swat position), then you need to just poop (he gives sounds effects to go with it)."  

Ha ha ha - Through my chuckles.  I thanked him for his words of advice, and then ordered him out of the bathroom.

He certainly keeps me in stitches at times. :)