It's been a while since I've posted - Okay - it's been almost 3 months.
Sorry for the brief furlough. It's been a busy 3 months.
First, I had off for the summer with my boys. I was able to get that time off about 10 days before my last post, and I can honestly say I enjoyed EVERY part of my summer with the boys. We had a blast - fishing in the pond, jumping into muddy water, swimming at the local water park here, and just BEING together. Just BEING.
In the last year, the boys and I have not just learned how to cope, but we have learned to live again. It wasn't ideal. It wasn't what we wanted. It wasn't our choice. But, we have survived - at least this season anyway.
I know there is more to come. I know that more challenges are ahead. I know that I will have to address issues later on that I don't have to right now while the boys are still young. But, I also know I serve a BIG God who knows that these issues will need to be addressed. I know He will protect us and keep their hearts and minds.
Being single still has its challenges, but it isn't as bad as the original break was at first. The wound has healed quite a bit. And though there is still a scar, and it's still ugly red, it's a scar. It's not a gaping, ugly, open wound that is fizzing puss and yuck. It's just a scar that will fade with time.
I still love the man. I love him deeply, more deeply than I thought I had.
I see him in many things and can hear his deep laughter that rolls out of his chest. I see him in our Disney trips and can see the sweat pouring off his brow in this Florida heat. I can see him with his silly fanny pack and feel his exasperation that he is sweating so much. I can hear him make jokes with the boys as they take their baths and hear him let the dog out and then lock up for the night. I miss his logic with the kids and his down-to-earth mannerisms. I miss him at times (the good times and the good stuff), but I know that the good was only a handful compared to the bucket fulls of bad.
Yet in all the missing - I feel freedom. I feel such freedom to move on. I feel alive again and joyful again. I feel God's hand greatly on my life as He guides me.
I'm far from perfect. I have definitely made mistakes, but I am striving to do His will in everything. I am striving to get it right and be pleasing to Him. And, I pray in the end that I will hear Him say, "Tamera, you did well. And, I'm proud of you."
I pray He is proud of me - in learning to live again, love again, trust again, play again, run, dance, and sing again. I pray He is proud of me - in just being.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Transformation
Much has changed over the years since I was first married - One of the things which had greatly changed for the worse was my weight. Below is a picture of me when I first got married.
I was at a healthy weight, liked myself a lot and didn't beat myself up for things.
Then, after I got married, I began to beat myself up about everything. I thought, "I'm not patient enough, smart enough, kind enough, submissive enough, gentle enough, accepting enough, funny enough,...." I also thought, "He doesn't like me because I'm not as good as a housekeeper as he would like, or as good at being punctual as he would like, or as good at being quiet in the mornings as he would like, or as good at being alone as he would like,...." There was tons of stuff I never felt like I was good enough at. So, I worked on all those things, instead of working on what God wanted me to be working on. Part of that "what" should have been me. I let the physical side go, so I could focus on all the other parts. But, the physical side is important too.
Unfortunately, my lack of care of self led me to this. See below.
Sad, I know. Don't be too shocked. For after this picture in 2004. I gained even more weight with my son and had a horrible time losing that too. I ended up looking like this.
Scarier, I know!
I see these pictures of myself now, and think, "WOW! Was I really THAT big! REALLY!"
And, I'm so thankful, God has brought me to another level of my life and walk with him.
It has taken some time, and God's transforming work. But, God can and DID do it.
The transformation God has made in me is incredible - inside and out. I'm not only stronger on the outside, I'm stronger on the inside too.
I have learned to cling to Him everyday and lean on Him for everything. I have found that He is with me in the times I spend with friends, the time I spend with my boys, and in my alone times. He is with me.
Here is where I am today.
Much thinner. MUCH thinner! And Much stronger.
And, though my life has changed and gone in a direction I NEVER expected it to go, I find that when I trust in God and let HIM do the transforming, that I really AM at my best. He has the BEST for me. I just have to be willing to listen and obey in ALL things - including food and exercise - even when I don't feel like it or see the benefit of it.
His Word is Transforming. And, though my outside has changed - it is really the inside (my heart) that is most important. From the inside out.
 |
| Dad, Me, Mom, My Brother |
I was at a healthy weight, liked myself a lot and didn't beat myself up for things.
Then, after I got married, I began to beat myself up about everything. I thought, "I'm not patient enough, smart enough, kind enough, submissive enough, gentle enough, accepting enough, funny enough,...." I also thought, "He doesn't like me because I'm not as good as a housekeeper as he would like, or as good at being punctual as he would like, or as good at being quiet in the mornings as he would like, or as good at being alone as he would like,...." There was tons of stuff I never felt like I was good enough at. So, I worked on all those things, instead of working on what God wanted me to be working on. Part of that "what" should have been me. I let the physical side go, so I could focus on all the other parts. But, the physical side is important too.
Unfortunately, my lack of care of self led me to this. See below.
Sad, I know. Don't be too shocked. For after this picture in 2004. I gained even more weight with my son and had a horrible time losing that too. I ended up looking like this.
Scarier, I know!
I see these pictures of myself now, and think, "WOW! Was I really THAT big! REALLY!"
And, I'm so thankful, God has brought me to another level of my life and walk with him.
It has taken some time, and God's transforming work. But, God can and DID do it.
The transformation God has made in me is incredible - inside and out. I'm not only stronger on the outside, I'm stronger on the inside too.
I have learned to cling to Him everyday and lean on Him for everything. I have found that He is with me in the times I spend with friends, the time I spend with my boys, and in my alone times. He is with me.
Here is where I am today.
Much thinner. MUCH thinner! And Much stronger.
And, though my life has changed and gone in a direction I NEVER expected it to go, I find that when I trust in God and let HIM do the transforming, that I really AM at my best. He has the BEST for me. I just have to be willing to listen and obey in ALL things - including food and exercise - even when I don't feel like it or see the benefit of it.
His Word is Transforming. And, though my outside has changed - it is really the inside (my heart) that is most important. From the inside out.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Your Self Esteem
Where does your self-esteem come from? Does it come from other people - their opinions, their view of you, their comments, and how they treat you? Does it come from your abilities and what you are able to do? Does it come from your accomplishments and what you know you are going to accomplish?
Many people have such a low self-esteem, or opinion of themselves. They do not think very highlly of themeselves; therefore, they do things that are harmful to themselves - like hurt themselves, or overeat or undereat, or speak negatively about themselves, or even live in a lifestyle that is harmful to them.
I too struggle at times, some days more than others, with my own self-esteem. But, I have something many do not have. I have the knowledge of knowing that my self-worth does not come from myself. Instead it comes from God. God finds me valuable and worth it. He found me valuable enough to send His only son Jesus to die for my sins. He found me valuable enough to let me hear the message of redemption. AND, He found me valuable enough to give me a choice between His love for me, or to continue on the path of self-destruction I was on.
He found me valuable, and He still finds me WORTH it!
I many times don't find myself worth it. I have been guilty of comparing myself to others, thinking that I'm not good enough. I have thought - well, I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or witty enough, or ..... Anything, in myself, just didn't seem enough.
The great thing is, that there is NOTHING within myself that is enough. NOTHING. However, when I said "yes" to His ways and His plan and HIS gift of salvation, I found that my value really wasn't in who I thought I was, but in who GOD thinks I am.
I forget this from time to time, though not as often as I used to do so. I have come a long way, but I take hope that He will continue to remind me of my value to Him, and I don't have to depend on who I think I am. For truly, within myself, I am just NOT enough.
Many people have such a low self-esteem, or opinion of themselves. They do not think very highlly of themeselves; therefore, they do things that are harmful to themselves - like hurt themselves, or overeat or undereat, or speak negatively about themselves, or even live in a lifestyle that is harmful to them.
I too struggle at times, some days more than others, with my own self-esteem. But, I have something many do not have. I have the knowledge of knowing that my self-worth does not come from myself. Instead it comes from God. God finds me valuable and worth it. He found me valuable enough to send His only son Jesus to die for my sins. He found me valuable enough to let me hear the message of redemption. AND, He found me valuable enough to give me a choice between His love for me, or to continue on the path of self-destruction I was on.
He found me valuable, and He still finds me WORTH it!
I many times don't find myself worth it. I have been guilty of comparing myself to others, thinking that I'm not good enough. I have thought - well, I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or witty enough, or ..... Anything, in myself, just didn't seem enough.
The great thing is, that there is NOTHING within myself that is enough. NOTHING. However, when I said "yes" to His ways and His plan and HIS gift of salvation, I found that my value really wasn't in who I thought I was, but in who GOD thinks I am.
I forget this from time to time, though not as often as I used to do so. I have come a long way, but I take hope that He will continue to remind me of my value to Him, and I don't have to depend on who I think I am. For truly, within myself, I am just NOT enough.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Judging Motives vs Judging Fruit.
Sometimes it can be so hard not to judge someones motives - their heart. Why are they doing what they are doing? Why are they giving to me, to the church, or to anyone else? Why are they being nice? Why are they becoming involved in this project or that activity? Why do they want to do what they are doing? Are they doing it for spotlight status? Are they doing something because they really want to, or because they feel obligated? Why are they doing what they are doing? And on and on we could go.
Lately, I've been guilty of judging motives a lot. I guess it's mainly because of the situation I'm in right now, and I want to know the why's on what someone is doing. But, I (we, as Christians) am not supposed to judge someone's motives or their heart. God says that's his job.
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
God looks at the heart. He can see inside of man, but we can not.
1 Corinthians 5:12 - Paul said, "It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning."
We are not supposed to judge motives. 1 Corinthians 4:5 - "So don’t make judgments about anyone ahead of time—before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due."
I can ask the what questions. But, I need to get rid of my why questions when it comes to judging people. It's not for me to know their why's right now. God will reveal that later when he makes our darkest secrets come to light. He will reveal the private motives.
I will just trust that no matter the motive of the other person, that God is orchestrating my life.
Psalm 37:23 - The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.
Lately, I've been guilty of judging motives a lot. I guess it's mainly because of the situation I'm in right now, and I want to know the why's on what someone is doing. But, I (we, as Christians) am not supposed to judge someone's motives or their heart. God says that's his job.
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
God looks at the heart. He can see inside of man, but we can not.
The following are notes I took from part of John Bevere's Honor's Reward series that I have listened to MANY times over the last 2 years from the audio track regarding judging someone's motives vs. judging a person's fruit:
There's a big difference between judging someone's fruit and judging somebody's motives. We are called to judge their fruit, not their motives.
Jesus said, "You will know them by their fruit." - Matthew 7:16
We are not supposed to judge motives. 1 Corinthians 4:5 - "So don’t make judgments about anyone ahead of time—before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. Then God will give to each one whatever praise is due."
So, I can't judge someone's motives. I can only judge them by their fruits. What is it they are doing or aren't doing? How are they living? What comes out of their mouths? What are their actions?
I can ask the what questions. But, I need to get rid of my why questions when it comes to judging people. It's not for me to know their why's right now. God will reveal that later when he makes our darkest secrets come to light. He will reveal the private motives.
I will just trust that no matter the motive of the other person, that God is orchestrating my life.
Friday, June 3, 2011
What I Fear the Most Right Now
I'm just going to be real here. I have lost some of my readers - which is a good thing. I have wanted this blog to become more and more private, and God seems to have moved people along to their own busyness in life. So, I'm feeling more and more at ease to feel like I can be raw here again.
Today is Friday - AGAIN! As I stated before, I have come to really despise my Fridays at times. The boys are with their father, and I miss their constant "instrusions" in my life. The "Mama, can you get me something to drink?" and the "Mama, will you read to me or play with me?" or even the screams of laughter that come from yet someone else tormenting the cat AGAIN. I miss them.
But, I also miss companionship. It is the one thing I think I fear the most right now- I fear NOT having the companionship. I miss the companionship. I miss it!
I miss someone to share my day with. I miss someone to vent my frustrations to from my day. I miss someone to pick on or someone to pick on me. I miss someone to cuddle with for a movie or someone to share the evening meal with. I miss candlelit dinners and someone to parade around in front of in some lingerie. (side note - I heard again yet ANOTHER woman today "proudly" state she didn't wear lingerie for her husband anymore. She said, "I've been married 12 years. I don't do lingerie anymore. He's going to just take it off anyway. Why bother!" I wanted to smack her. Oh HONEY! I could definitely educate you on a few things! What a BORING marriage! Her poor husband.) At any rate, I miss someone's hand to hold. I miss someone's gentle kiss on my cheek and warm lips on mine. I miss the touch, the affection, the intimacy, the laugher, and the friendship. I miss it all. I even miss disagreeing on things and then making up afterwards. I miss the warm arms to hold me at night and someone to lay my head on his chest.
It seems so unfair. I tried so hard. I tried so hard!
My cry tonight is, "Why me, God? What did I do to deserve this? I tried so hard. I prayed, fasted, loved, accepted, and made SOOOO many sacrifices. I worked on being lovely, attractive, and fascinating. It just wasnt' good enough." It's just not fair!
Why was my marriage SOOOO hard? Why?
It's not supposed to be that hard! I KNOW this! Sure, there will be struggles in any marriage, but not like this.
Not like this!
I shake my head and sit pondering over it all. What! How! Why!
And then comes the "Will it always be this way? Will I always long for that companionship? For the laughter in the kitchen? For the cookie fights with flour, the playmate with the glass of cold ice water, and someone to zip up my dress?"
Well, God didn't put a desire in me for companionship, not KNOWING that my husband was going to leave me. God didn't put it in there, and say, "Well, you're just going to have to deal with it!" No, God gave me this desire. I have prayed and asked Him to remove it, but He continues to leave it.
In the meantime, I have my moments. I have moments of intense sadness and loneliness. I have moments of missing my companion and someone to cook for. I have moments of intense joy and freedom and dance around the kitchen like a crazy lady. And, I have moments where it's just me and God slow dancing in the kitchen. Beautiful moments, crazy moments, tender moments, and sad moments. I have my moments.
I'm so glad God did not come for me to be bound up in the sticky legalism of it all, but for me to be set free. His grace and mercy are great! I'm so glad I work for Him and not for some. Whew! He is a much easier boss, though He requires so much more from me.
Truly His grace IS sufficient EVEN in my moments!
Today is Friday - AGAIN! As I stated before, I have come to really despise my Fridays at times. The boys are with their father, and I miss their constant "instrusions" in my life. The "Mama, can you get me something to drink?" and the "Mama, will you read to me or play with me?" or even the screams of laughter that come from yet someone else tormenting the cat AGAIN. I miss them.
But, I also miss companionship. It is the one thing I think I fear the most right now- I fear NOT having the companionship. I miss the companionship. I miss it!
I miss someone to share my day with. I miss someone to vent my frustrations to from my day. I miss someone to pick on or someone to pick on me. I miss someone to cuddle with for a movie or someone to share the evening meal with. I miss candlelit dinners and someone to parade around in front of in some lingerie. (side note - I heard again yet ANOTHER woman today "proudly" state she didn't wear lingerie for her husband anymore. She said, "I've been married 12 years. I don't do lingerie anymore. He's going to just take it off anyway. Why bother!" I wanted to smack her. Oh HONEY! I could definitely educate you on a few things! What a BORING marriage! Her poor husband.) At any rate, I miss someone's hand to hold. I miss someone's gentle kiss on my cheek and warm lips on mine. I miss the touch, the affection, the intimacy, the laugher, and the friendship. I miss it all. I even miss disagreeing on things and then making up afterwards. I miss the warm arms to hold me at night and someone to lay my head on his chest.
It seems so unfair. I tried so hard. I tried so hard!
My cry tonight is, "Why me, God? What did I do to deserve this? I tried so hard. I prayed, fasted, loved, accepted, and made SOOOO many sacrifices. I worked on being lovely, attractive, and fascinating. It just wasnt' good enough." It's just not fair!
Why was my marriage SOOOO hard? Why?
It's not supposed to be that hard! I KNOW this! Sure, there will be struggles in any marriage, but not like this.
Not like this!
I shake my head and sit pondering over it all. What! How! Why!
And then comes the "Will it always be this way? Will I always long for that companionship? For the laughter in the kitchen? For the cookie fights with flour, the playmate with the glass of cold ice water, and someone to zip up my dress?"
Well, God didn't put a desire in me for companionship, not KNOWING that my husband was going to leave me. God didn't put it in there, and say, "Well, you're just going to have to deal with it!" No, God gave me this desire. I have prayed and asked Him to remove it, but He continues to leave it.
In the meantime, I have my moments. I have moments of intense sadness and loneliness. I have moments of missing my companion and someone to cook for. I have moments of intense joy and freedom and dance around the kitchen like a crazy lady. And, I have moments where it's just me and God slow dancing in the kitchen. Beautiful moments, crazy moments, tender moments, and sad moments. I have my moments.
I'm so glad God did not come for me to be bound up in the sticky legalism of it all, but for me to be set free. His grace and mercy are great! I'm so glad I work for Him and not for some. Whew! He is a much easier boss, though He requires so much more from me.
Truly His grace IS sufficient EVEN in my moments!
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