Day Six - Being Strong

My mother says I'm strong.  Strong in spirit, strong in emotional stability, strong in heart - Strong.  And, I know I am, for I have allowed God to make me strong and stronger.  But, I know as a child I was also born strong.  Strong in will, strong in body, strong in spirit, and strong in heart (though I have a very tender heart that loves people easily).

I'm thankful for the compassion that God has worked in me over the years and grown in me for others, because truly I was not naturally a compassionate person.  Sure, I have always been VERY compassionate when animals were hurt or sick or when other humans were suffering horrible atrocities (like starving children in Africa or child prostitutes in China).  But, for the last 26 years, I have had to let God develop compassion in me for other people who were not going through such hardships.

I am naturally a strong person, so when I hear others complaining or whining or buckling under their "puny" little hardships, there have been times I just want to shake them. I wanted to say, "Puhhhlleeeze - You need to get up, dust yourself off, learn how to do whatever it is you need to do, and quit whining over the fact that someone didn't do it for you!" I guess this is my strong will that is coming out in me, and my determination to conquer whatever doesn't kill me first.

I'm a fighter. I was born a fighter.  Some people are natural peacemakers and choose to run away from their issues.  Some are born as fighters.  I didn't choose to be this way.  This IS the way God put me together, but I HAVE had to let Him tone down some of my brashness. He has, and I'm thankful for it.

Just an example of things I'm having to be more independent in lately, since D. has been gone.

Some things I'm having to do are:
- cut my own grass - not that I mind this. I used to rather enjoy cutting the grass. I just don't seem to have the time to get it done now.
- change my own water and a/c filters: again - not that I mind this sort of thing. I just am having to squeeze it in somewhere among the rest of my duties now.
 - change my own oil - or go get it changed
 - do the maintenance on my own car.  Something I would have enjoyed had I been a boy and didn't mind getting my hands all greasy. It's like a big puzzle really, that would be fun to take apart and put back together if you didn't have to get so dirty doing it.
 - wash my own car. Not that D. really ever did this much anyway, but REALLY, at least I had someone to blame for a dirty car. :)
 - put my own salt in the water softener
 - fix my own A/C - Again, I don't mind this either, though I hate having to crawl around in spiders in the attic, but I did this usually anyway when D. was here.
 - fix my own computer issues - I'd say this is the WORST.  I hate having to do this.  It tries my patience, more than a person could any day, I think.

Other areas of strength - I've always been the "go-to" girl in my family.  "Go to T. for prayer. Go to T. for help sorting through things. Go to T. for someone you can depend on. Go to T. for advice. Go to T. to share your secrets (she keeps them tight). Go to T for counseling. - Go to T."  I wish more of them would say, "Let's go to God," instead. I work to point them in that direction, but not everyone seems to want to go there.  For He points out more areas that need to be worked on, and exposes things in people they don't want exposed. So, instead, they seem drawn to me - well, that is until I mention them letting God work to expose some of those areas that need working on, anyway. :)

So, yeah, I guess I'm strong. I used to be fiercely independent and not let anyone do much of anything for me.  But, that was pride and a self-defense mechanism.  I didn't want to risk being  let down by people, nor did I want to appear weak. But, I'm not that way anymore.

Now, if someone volunteers to help me out, I'm usually likely to say, "Sure, that'd be great." Or if someone wants to help fix my car, mow my grass, or help with the boys, I can be found saying, "You're a blessing.  Thank you so much."  I don't want to cheat someone of their blessings for blessing me, and I KNOW I need the help now.

But even though I am still strong, I know I am weak.   I am very weak at times.  But, only a few people know this or have seen it.  And, I've only LET a few people see it.  Those select few are VERY close to me, and are my best of friends - whom I have carefully chosen and been picky about. And, even then, I wish I had not let all of them see me so weak. For, I can be very weak!

But, since this separation and divorce thing, I have discovered I am even weaker.  It seems it has made me weaker - yet stronger at the same time.

I am weak because I crave adult companionship.

I am weak because I have moments where I just want to go on a tirade against D. and all men in general.  And, I have done this, I'm ashamed to say - and then have had to repent afterwards and ask for God's help in moving forward.

I am weak because I long to be held again, and my fears soothed away before I go to sleep at night.

I am weak because I long to have someone to sit and talk the day over with and share evening meals with again.

I am weak because I yearn for someone to enjoy a good movie with on the couch or share an evening stroll with on the beach.

I am weak because I want to have someone to "vent" my frustrations to at the end of the day, or someone who cares enough to buy me flowers - just because.


I am weak because I long to share a good book with someone special and enjoy morning sunrises or evening sunsets with that person and a cup of coffee.  


I am weak because I long to share the housework with someone - not because I long to share the load, but because I want to work in the kitchen with someone, like I have worked in the kitchen with my daddy many times over the years.  And, because I long to paint and work alongside someone in a home like I've seen my brother do with His wife. 

I am weak because I have moments where I just want to lay my head on someone's chest again and hear them tell me it's going to be okay and that God will work everything for my good as I obey Him.


And, I am weak because I am a hopeless romantic who loves to give back and longs to invest in another person, just to see that person smile. 

Now some people might not see these things as weaknesses. But, I do.  I wish these longings would go away and leave me be. I wish I could just finish out this life without wanting the above things - doing all I can for God and living my life to please Him.

But these longings still remain.  They haunt me at times, it seems.  I don't want to compromise or give in - just because I have them.  But, I do have them.

I wonder why God put them there.  I wonder if this will be my thorn in my flesh that will never go away.  Can't I just go through life without them there? Eish!

And with them there, I feel weak.  God says His strength is made perfect in my weakness - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 and that He gives strength to the weak - Isaiah 40:28-31

He is also with me when I feel alone - Matthew 28:20, and He loves me more and is more passionate about me than anyone could and ever will be - Psalm 139:16-17.

But, I know I am weak.  So many people think I am strong, and I guess I am - but it God who is strong in me.  Not me on my own.  I am glad in Him I can be made strong and get overcome my weaknesses.  For He alone is able and gives me power to carry on.

And He can be for you too. His strength is made perfect in you, if you trust in Him.  He CAN and will carry you through if you rely on and obey Him. But you MUST obey and have faith He will do what He said He would do in you.  He will bless you as you let Him.  He will work good things in you and through you.  You just have to let Him.

Question is - Are you willing to let Him, even when you feel weak?

I'm working to do so.  But, shhhhh - don't tell anybody - I really am quite weak! Only He makes me strong.

The Man I Used to Know

Just reflecting this morning on the man I used to know, who loved his kids, had a twinkle in his eye, and loved me.  Sure, he fluctuated in his love for me and eventually abandoned us all - saying he didn't want to do the job anymore, but he WAS at one time a good daddy to the kids.  He was.

I used to love to make him laugh - I should be a regular stand up comedian, he'd say.  He has the richest, warmest laugh of any I've ever heard.  In fact, I loved to hear him laugh so much, I worked hard to hear it.  It was one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  Caleb has his laugh, so now my efforts are put into making Joshua and Caleb laugh - much easier to do. :)

Power-dad.  He loved to take the kids to amusement parks.  

In fact, he LOVED going to the amusement parks PERIOD!

He still does this with the kids, or at least so they tell me.  I'm so blessed that at least he DOES take some time out still for them.  He didn't do this often, but he DID do it.  For that I'm thankful. 

As you can see, both boys just ate up any time they got with their dad.  He was good with them and very patient.  For that I was thankful. 

Again, things could be a LOT worse. So, I'm thankful for what the time the boys do get with him.  

Crazy!  Every now and then, he had a crazy moment.  

This one was at an amusement park where we were standing in line.  I thought this was hilarious!  

Just one of the few reasons I fell in love with him. 

I just wish he'd let loose and had more crazy moments more often.
But rarely, did he "let his hair down" and just chill.  

This was one of those rare occasions. 

He and Joshua went outside when it flooded to check out the water in their rain boots.  Joshua thought this was the greatest.  

I wish I had more to post on this.  I do have more pictures somewhere, but I think they are on D's computer.  Hopefully, I can get them and post them later on.  

There were some good times in our life together.  We did have fun together, and God was good.  But, there were many more bad times, and I had no idea that under all the "surface" of him that there was so much more lying and that there was some deep dark things that I wouldn't find out until later on.  

Clint Brown - Waiting on You

Love this song by Clint Brown. It definitely helps me to remember to WAIT on the LORD.

Wait on the Lord! His blessings are worth it.

One of the best weapons we have against the devil is patience, for the devil has run out of time.

So, WAIT on the Lord! He will fulfill all He has promised you He would do in and through you.

Sermon/Devotion Notes - God's Promises

I heard this message preached by a minister back when I was in college.  I have gone back to my notes, which I took in the back of my Bible, many times over the years.  I have found them so powerful and with such truth, that I thought it good to write them here to share with others.

When God Promises...

1. We have to take action to appropriate the promise.

 - The promise is given by God, but the taking is ours.  (kind of like salvation, it's given, but we must receive/take it)

2. There WILL be opposition.

3. Don't doubt you'll succeed. - God WILL deliver you.

4. It's up to God to give it to you. - You can guaranteed that when you are given a:

 - command, then a crisis will come, before the calm

 - vision, then a valley will come, before the victory

 - target, then trouble will come, before the triumph

5. How you handle #2 will determine the outcome.

Persevere - for calm, victory, and triumph WILL come.  His promises are yes and amen.  It will be!

Day Five - Just Some Answers

Well, today is day five.  It's been a GREAT day with God.

I once heard someone say, "What you starve dies, and what you feed grows."  Well, I've been feeding on my quiet time with God and His Word, and I can tell you that James 4:8 is true.  When we draw near to Him, He DEFINITELY draws near to us.  And, I've been starving some relationships and things in other areas.  It truly has helped to gain a better perspective on things.  Those things are NOTHING compared to being in the presence of God and in His perfect will. "All in due time," I hear Him say, but not right now!

Wow!  The last 24 hours has been incredible.  Even last night driving on the way to church, the Holy Spirit and the manifest presence of God just filled up the car.  I didn't even want to get out my car to go  into the church for worship practice, His presence was soooo very rich.

Currently, I'm reading SEVERAL books right now: Forgotten God by Francis Chan (which by the way, if you haven't read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, you should make that your next MUST READ - it's incredible and one of my "mile stone", life changing books), You are Not What You Weigh by Lisa Bevere, Battlefield of the Mind Devotional by Joyce Meyer, and Choose to Heal by Stephen Arterburn. All are excellent books that are being read for different purposes.  But, each has its place and is being used by God to transform me.

But, the best has been my time with God.  Like last night - I didn't have my phone, and I had to sit outside D's apartment for a while and wait on the kids.  So, I spent that time in prayer with God.  It was refreshing and brought more answers.

So, again, I just said, "Okay, God, whatever You want.  I'm here as your servant.  Use me in any way you choose."

In my head, God gave me 3 important months, one was this month - the month of April - God had told me earlier this year, that this month would be quite important.  Then, the month of June, God had told me would be important for something else entirely.  I hope to have all my paperwork finished by then, if not sooner -but whatever God wants. Lastly, God told me to wait on something until December.  I'm to watch and wait - seeing what happens, and then God told me that I would know in December which way to go. I'm a little more than nervous about what he told me to watch, trust, and wait on.  In fact, it takes me out of my comfort zone, if what I feel God is telling me is going to be.  I rather like KNOWING all the "how-to's". I'm not real big on the "not knowing's."  But, one thing of the many things I've learned over the many years I've been His child, and that is that is far better to trust in Him, wait, and obey, than it is to rush into what we want, and miss His perfect will and plan. So, here I am waiting.

I'm glad for revelation and for answers.  I'm glad for God's hand and guidance. And, I'm glad that even though in the natural, this could look very bleak and like an awful situation, that truly I'd rather be in the will and hand of God in the middle a storm (or at the end of one, which is where I am), than I would to be out of His will and be on the beach without a storm.  Give me the storm any day, just leave me in His hand and His will - no matter what!