Waiting

So, I'm stuck in the waiting stage again. 

Waiting.... and Waiting... and waiting...

God's timing! 

Ay yi yi.  All about waiting on Him.  And, trusting in Him to lead me.

UPDATE -

New job - Last week I was hired for a new job.  I start in August teaching high school again.  This is going to be a much easier work load for me and allows me to spend more time with the boys. 
Eventually, I'd like to be a stay at home mom again, and I'm trusting that God will put me back there again.  Just trusting and waiting. 

Relationship with my guy friend - As expected and predicted, my relationship with my guy friend has become more serious.  I've enjoyed the growth we've made together, and truly am super blessed to have him in my and my boys' lives.  My parents are also blessed to have him here too. I'm sure this takes a LOAD off their minds about what's going to happen to "strong minded" and "poor" Tamera. Just ask them, they'll tell you - yes, they think this way.

My parents - My dad has gotten some better.  He doesn't drink as often, though he took a horrible spell for the worst from October last year to December of this year.  2 hospitalizations and an ambulance ride included didn't deter him from drinking his alcohol.  It's like a sickness that only GOD can deliver him from.  It weighs on the whole family.
Neither of my parents are attending church right now.  This is weird for my brother and I, since my parents were "religious" about making sure we were all in church when we were growing up.  I wonder if it's more about "doing the right thing" for them, than it is a command from God and about their relationships with Him and other believers. 
Sure, they "attend" church each Sunday via the television, but if asked to attend or visit church with me, a whole host of excuses are offered.  Frustratingly sad!   How I LONG for them to be able to give back into other's lives and for them to receive in return.  The encouragement of fellow Believers is so vitally important. How can we as Christians be so duped into believing that it's not. 

D. - Still is D.  He has ranted, raved, been horribly bitter, mean, and spiteful, and has been this way up until about a month ago.  Unbelievably, he sent me an email and told me he was sorry for all the pain he'd caused our family and that he realized he had messed up big time. He also said he had been neglectful of me and the boys and couldn't believe he'd left us.  It was a major break through for me AND him - especially him.  I know/knew D. is going to make it.  He is going to get better. I'm trustin God that this will happen. 

A sweet friend of mine, once told me that the pendulum for D. would swing.  He would swing in his emotions.  And, sure enough, he did.  Soon after his sweet email, he wrote me another one to tell me how awful a parent I was - but at least it's not attacking my personhood now.  I think this pendulum will begin to slow down now, even though I know it will swing for a time. 

My boys - Right now, they are supposed to be sleeping - of course, they are coming in here where I'm typing to let me know that they "SHOULD" sleep with me tonight. LOL
After D. left, of course, I let them crash in the bed with me for many months.  Over a year, almost.  But in the last 5 months, I've been working them back to sleeping in their own beds.  They only come in usually to sleep on a pallet beside me or to snuggle in the mornings.  It's gotten a lot better.

I LOVE having them with me, but really, I WOULD, like to have my own space back some.  Learning to be on my own has had its own share of adjustments.  Some good, some bad.  I can definitely say that I encourage ANYONE who is considering a divorce to please invest the time, money, prayer, and energy into staying together.  Divorce is so painful and leaves such open wounds.  It can take YEARS to recover from.
And, some never recover from it.  The devil is a liar, and divorce is not God's best.

Well, I think that's about it for now.  I'm sure I'll have more to say in the days ahead.  Just need to find the time to say it.

Good night for now,

Tamera

My news

Well, I guess it's time to tell you.  I haven't posted it here, for my own privacy reasons, but I thought it was about time I posted it here.  About time to tell you what all has been going on in my life in the last few months.

I don't know any other way to break it to you, other than just to come right out and say it.  So here goes.

I AM seeing someone.  Courting, actually.  But, I am seeing someone.

I will tell you more about it all later on, but I did want you to know I met someone.

Whether you approve or not, is not relevant. There has been MUCH prayer put into this, a lot of counsel has been sought, and I have read and re-read the Word for answers to see if this was okay. It isn't man's or woman's approval I have sought, but God's.  THAT is what is relevant.

Each time I have asked, if this was right, God has come through with either confirmation from a person who didn't know what I was praying, or even with a dream.  I have stood in awe at God's hand in this whole thing, and those around me are excited and in awe too.

My guy friend is just that - my friend.  We have been friends for almost a year now, but that's it.  He was just a guy friend I knew from church.  I didn't entertain thoughts of being with him or even have a desire to know him other than just as some guy I knew from church.  Yet, as our friendship has grown, we have realized that God has had a special plan for us even from the beginning.

He has taken my boys under his wing and has grown to love them immensely and is excited to be spending Christmas with my family this year and me and the boys with his family.

This isn't some rushed-into relationship.  It HAS been a slow process - something I have prayed about, because I did not ever have that with D.  I also was not friends with D. when we got married.  Our friendship had to be worked on and was a constant struggle through our whole marriage.  But with my guy friend, our friendship comes easily and our relationship is easy.  CRAZY easy.

We have people around us to help us keep our feet on the ground.  My wonderful pastor and his wife help keep us accountable and have been amazing.  My sweet friend even went to my pastor to ask his permission to court me.  I was moved to tears.

My friend has been going about once a week to talk about our relationship with my pastor, and my pastor and his wife and others around us are praying for us and counseling us as we move forward. I wish I had done this with D. for I KNOW I would not have ever married him. But, then I wouldn't have my two precious children, and I would not be who I am now.

Please pray for D. He is not better, but gets worse.  I knew this would happen, as it is one of the issues of his disorder, but I also am believing that God is working on him, and that He will come back to God one day.  Oh, that that day would come sooner than later.

My heart still hurts for him and all that he has thrown away.  It has been much.  Even my sweet friend said he was so sorry for D. and all that he threw away and left.  When D. finally realizes what he has done, it will be such a sad day and time.  I hurt for him and for that day to come.

Yet, I rejoice at all that lies ahead.

Reader, I wish you could walk into my life and see all that God has done. I wish I had the time to sit and type it all, hopefully to give you a better glimpse of what God has been doing in me this last year.  But, I can not.  I can only try to catch you up as we go along in the days ahead.

Hopefully, I'll catch you up before I get married again. But, who knows.  I will try to keep posting before I write "I'm married again." But, then again, who knows. :)

Christmas Again - Looking to What Lies Ahead

Well, it's Christmas again.  As I sit in my now quiet living room looking at my tree the boys and I have put up this evening, I am sipping on my French cream decaf coffee nostalgically thinking that this is most likely and even hopefully my last Christmas here in this home.  For 7 years, I have celebrated Christmas in this house.  I have decorated the tree, added lights around my kitchen entryway, hung the wreath on the door and the wall over the sofa, decorated the bathroom, and lit holiday spice candles to make the house smell good.  A lot of good memories rest between these walls.  A LOT of good memories.

So, tonight, I'm a little sad of all that has happened here, yet I am happy at the same time looking forward to what lies ahead. I look forward to my next year of tree decorating in a new house.  I look forward to time spent around the trees opening up gifts with the family under a new roof, making new memories, and sipping on hot apple cider and cocoa between new walls.

So, instead of being sad about what will be left behind, I am going to choose to be happy for what lies ahead. There are great adventures still left to be had. There are more Christmas carols to sing off key, more tickles to be had under a new roof, and more prayers to pray in a new kitchen each morning as I start the day. There is more.  God is good, and His mercies are new EVERY morning. Lamentations 3:23

So Life Goes On - And God IS Good

Well, it's been over a month now since the papers for my divorce were signed and finalized by a judge.  The day of the signing was surreal.  Sitting down to sign the papers wasn't too bad, but watching D. sign them was like watching something happen in a dream. The final chains were broken, and promises that had been made were broken. It was not painful, just surreal.

The marriage had been over for over a year - longer really.  I just hadn't known it.  And, I didn't let go of it, until God told me to let D. go.  THAT was hard.  But, God knew.  He knew it was over and that D. wasn't coming back.  He knew.

So, I sat the first weekend of October and watched D. sign the papers that said our marriage was officially by law broken and no longer.  A year ago, this might would have ripped my insides apart, but God knew I wasn't ready then, though D. was going to do it then, had he had the money.  But, God knew.  He knew I wasn't emotionally ready for the full impact of this day.

Now, I look back over the last 11 years and see so much of God's grace in my marriage and in my life.  I see His hand at work, and His help all along the journey.  It wasn't easy, that's for sure.  But, I am so grateful for His help each step of the way.

Every time I was rejected or threatened with divorce over the years.  Every time I was told I wasn't good enough.  Even when I was told that I was .... Well, some things are best left not said.  But, even then, God's grace was so good. His mercy so full and empowering.  He gave me strength when I had none left.  And, He gave me joy and love when none was given.

I look at it all, and say, "thank you, God. Oh, thank you."

Today, life goes on.  And, it is rich and full.  It still goes on.

Caleb and I at a Spa and Resort 

someone blessed us with a stay at this summer.

Joshua - fun at Sunsplash

Loving kisses from my sweet Caleb

So Fun

Huckleberry Finn Does a flying leap into the mud hole

Sitting with his PaPaw at the muddle hole - fishing.

Boys WILL be boys - No bathing suit? Let's just go swimming in our underwear.

Our deep thinker.

Off to go a fishin.'

The man who taught me to fish and just JUMP.

Laughs with Joshua in bed.

Kicking up some water in the sprinkler

Boy just wanna have fun!

Working hard for their Mama. 

All tuckered out!

Oh so cute! Just considering how to get in the water without Mama knowing.

Fasting - Just some thoughts on it

This is from a letter I emailed a group of ladies about 2 years ago.  I had no idea at the time I wrote it that I was about to enter into a VERY hard season in my life - with my husband informing me he was leaving me.  I had no idea that I would be fasting more the next 2 years than I had EVER in my entire life, and that I would be growing in the areas that I have grown in - learning to rely on my God for my EVERYTHING and to be my constance guide and 
companion.  


But, I can tell you, that after reading it again this afternoon - the words in it still ring true with me, and I can testify that fasting HAS brought about revelation and change in my life.  It has brought about breakthroughs I could not have had without it.  

This past year I have practiced, come to love, depend on, and seen amazing results from the wonderful discipline of fasting.  I have seen and experienced how fasting draws us so close to God.  It disciplines us and humbles us to be able to hear His voice more clearly.  When our souls seek His heart, voice – HIM- more than we seek or comfort ourselves with food, He gives great blessings and revelation. 

James 4:8 says “when we draw nigh to God, He will draw nigh to you (us)….”   How wonderful He is, His Word is/becomes, and His voice so clear when we are willing to lay down part of our desires to draw nigh (closer) to Him. 

I asked myself why more people don’t fast, whether it be just for a certain food type (meat, chocolate, sugar), a meal, a day, a few days…, and I have come to the conclusion that it is because the devil knows how POWERFUL fasting is.  He tells us that we should “wait” until we FEEL that God is telling us to fast, or that we aren’t doing it (fasting) right if we don’t go completely without.  The devil legalizes and causes us to over-analyze the practice of fasting so that we just don’t do it at all. 

Yet Jesus tells us in His word in Matthew 6 that we are to give, pray, AND fast.  He says in Matthew 6:2 “when you give…” and tells us what to NOT do and what to do when we give.  He tells us in Matthew 6:5 “when you pray…” and again tells us what to not do and then models what we are to do in His prayer to God (The Lord’s Prayer).  Then in Matthew 6:15, He finally tells us what to do and not to do “when you fast….”  The assumptions “when you give…, when you pray…, and when you fast…”  are not made that only two (giving and prayer) would be done, but that all THREE would be done.  I believe we miss out so much on what God has for us because many Christians only two of these three. 

Christians don’t mind praying.  We seem to pray a lot when we are in trouble.  Even non-Christians pray; Muslims pray; Hindus pray.  We don’t mind the praying.  Most of us don’t mind giving (well, as long as it doesn’t affect us too greatly J).   We give our time at church or in ministry or we give financially to God’s house and His work.  But, when it comes to fasting, that’s something all together different.  Who wants to give up FOOD for God?  Not many Christians do.  Food is what we celebrate with and comfort ourselves with.  Our “King Stomachs” love our food.  So for us to have to cause our flesh to come under submission and discipline to give up food is something many of us find hard to do, and I believe that our stomachs are one of the things that hold us back from TRULY “feasting” on all God has for us spiritually.

We don’t have to wait on God to tell us to fast or even to “feel” like we are to fast, in order to do it.  Just try giving up one meal or one type of food (one you like/ picking something you don’t like doesn’t count) for a couple days and see how much more clearly you hear God’s voice.  Remember that God knows your inner heart, so if you pick to give up beans for a week and beans aren’t something you really LOVE to eat, then your fast isn’t going to be as effective.  But, if you gave up chocolate for a week or for whatever allotted time period, something that many of us women soooo very much love, then God sees your sacrifice and will honor it. 

Fasting isn’t just good for your spirit and soul, but it is also good for your body.  Don Colbert has two books out regarding the health benefits of fasting and how to do it safely if you plan on doing an extended fast for 3 days or longer with only juices for nourishment.  He strongly recommends getting a doctors’ guidance if you go longer than 3 days without food.  After just today coming off an extended fast myself, I will tell you that getting a good doctor’s advice for this (especially for us moms who have a family to care for at home) is good advice.

If you don’t feel you can do an extended fast right now, I encourage you to at least try to give up a certain food/foods.  Try the Daniel fast (you can research on that online), or just give up one meal and spend time with our Lord.  You’ll be amazed at what all God does in your life when you fast.  He is so good to honor His Word, and He does draw so close to us.  You’ll also feel better too (after the fast, not during it, probably J).

Don’t let legalism and the devil’s lies hold you back.  Don’t let your stomach keep you from a closer relationship with God and all the goodness He has to offer you.  Don’t miss out on your breakthroughs.  I encourage you – FAST.  It is one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do.